Harms Family News

23 weeks

2012-01-26T20:10:00.000-08:00

How far along? 23 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Slept on the couch for the first time ever. The dog was sooooo loud and I couldn't make her be quiet without waking Tim, who had already gotten up to let her out once, so I just went to the couch.

Best moment this week: My sweet big girl wrapping her arms around me when I was sobbing on the couch about a cut up check.

Movement: She's an active little thing, but is nice to her momma at night so far. Miss M would kick me all night long! I don't remember about Miss N.

Gender: She's a girl!

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Walking without hip pain. Not having swollen feet.

What I am looking forward to: Reaching viability. I think I will feel so much better!

Weekly Wisdom: If your child cuts up a huge check, the bank can reissue one, and maybe even without fees. If you receive a huge check from a client, the piano is not the place to set it. Even though your child never touches the mail and knows she is not to touch the mail, she will find it. The top of the refrigerator sounds like a safe place.

Milestones: Getting mostly over the anxiety issue (I hope!)

Complications Update: I guess I will add this category since I know there are a few of you who care. My doctor had to change my bp medication this week. It has times throughout the day where it spikes too high. Now I feel like I am on soooo much medication. She is not thrilled that I am swelling this early, so next week we do another test to make sure I am not dumping any proteins. I am also supposed to get another ultrasound at the high risk place to check growth and placenta health, I am assuming. Over all, I feel pretty good, but I am starting to feel more and more strongly that we will not make it all the way to May. Because of this, I am trying to figure out the best way to broach this subject with my brand new clients. Not an easy thing!

Be Still My Anxious Heart

2012-01-24T05:58:00.000-08:00

The Internet can be a scary place, and of necessity due to my work I spend a lot of time on it. When I was first pregnant with this baby I came across post after post where a seemingly healthy pregnancy and baby died at 12-19 weeks. Even Michelle Dugger lost her baby late in her pregnancy. It freaked me out, even though I know I have very little in common with her.

I am feeling pretty confident all will be well as we inch closer to viability. At this point, even if I got really, really sick, they could probably use drugs to keep her inside for a couple more weeks. That is worst case scenario of course, but it helps put my mind at ease.

During this pregnancy I have struggled with anxiety more than ever before, with the exception of my battle with depression after I had Miss N. I blame hormones, drugs, and a host of other things, but it is a very real issue and something I am struggling with.

Now, I am starting to feel anxious about how I will manage with a newborn. Of course, the Internet is not helping. I was reading a blog that is normally very funny and uplifting, and turns out she just brought home a newborn. And she is struggling. A lot. With anxiety, anxiousness, and the inability to "do it all." I find that panic feeling in my chest and the wonder of, "will that be me?"

I am concerned about summer. I want the girls to have fun, have playdates, enjoy themselves. The waterpark is out with a newborn, and most of their school friends have working moms, so that kills the option for playdates with school friends. With a newborn I am not sure how much getting out I will be wanting to do, but they are going to need some activity. They don't do well cooped up at home day in and day out. And truthfully, neither does mommy.

I am so thankful for this baby. Yet, there are days, like yesterday when my youngest decided to cut up a rather substantial check from a client, sending me into a panic attack, when I wonder what on earth we were thinking and what I have gotten myself into. I barely keep my head above water with the two fairly self-sufficient kids I have. Why on earth did I think I could add a newborn to the mix?

There is one thing I know, though, and that is that God will not give us more than we can bear. Because of this, I will just keep doing the next thing, and trust that He will give me the strength to make it through the tough newborn days with grace. The toilet my not get cleaned weekly, but I trust my family will be fed and loved. And for today, I am going to spend a little time in the Word before I start my busy morning. That, I think, is the best way to deal with anxiety.

Miss N's Eyes

2012-01-20T06:45:00.000-08:00

They say hindsight is always 20/20.

Looking back, there are so many signs that Miss N had an eye problem. I remember her first puzzle. It was a little one with animals and underneath the piece was an identical image of the animal. She could figure out which hole they went in, but it took her a very long time to figure out she had to turn the animal to fit it in the hole. I remember telling her, "Put the eyes with the eyes" and she just didn't get it, but she was a toddler and I figured it was just her developmental stage.

Then there was the difficulty writing neatly. But she was 3 and 4 and I figured it was just developmental, or that she had inherited my poor handwriting. Plus, she's left handed, and my lefties when I taught always struggled a little with handwriting.

Then there were the eye spy books. She couldn't find the pictures. Again, I assumed it was just developmental.

Then there were the headaches. That was the sign I finally realized meant there was a problem. But she was only barely 4. How could she go to the eye doctor?

If I had had Miss M first, I would have known. Miss M could do all of these things by three. She can write some clear letters, put together a 50-piece puzzle with ease, and find all of the images in an Eye Spy book. These were not developmental issues. Miss N could not see.

Yesterday was our every four month excursion to Chicagoland for her visit with the pediatric eye specialist. Her right eye is the bad eye, and it has gotten worse. Even with her glasses on she was unable to see the 20/40 images. The next step up she could see. She will be getting a new prescription and wearing an eye patch two hours a day in an attempt to train the brain to use the lazy eye and not just the good eye.

This makes me, as her mom, so sad. My child has a vision problem, and chances are had I noticed the signs, it would not be this bad. All of those years of struggling to see with her one good eye have left her with this weak eye. I guess as a parent it always makes you feel sad when your child has a struggle, but when I feel I could have prevented that struggle, it's even more difficult.

I am also confused. The optometrist we saw in our town that wanted her to do the vision therapy (hundreds if not thousands of dollars a month) said eye patching was like giving tylenol for a migraine. This ophthalmologist has a different take, and she said that there is no scientific evidence that the therapy works. Frankly, we do not have thousands of dollars a month to spend on therapy, so I want to trust the ophthalmologist, but these conflicting reports are hard to accept. But, I can stomach less than $10 a month for patches a lot better than the cost of therapy.

Thankfully, Miss N is thriving in school and does not seem to have any problems as a result of this vision issue yet. But, it still makes me sad.

21/22 weeks

2012-01-19T17:29:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I failed last week in posting my update. There was a lot going on and it just didn't seem important. I almost failed this week because suddenly the work is flowing, but this week it seems more important to me, so here it is!

We are at the 22 week mark as of yesterday. I feel baby kicking all of the time. We have learned she is a girl, and her nickname (not real name) is "Lucy," as Miss M named her. So maybe I will call her that on the blog until she is born. I'm not calling her that much at home because I don't want to confuse Miss M.

How far along? 22 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Doing OK with the exception of getting up with all of the sickies of late.

Best moment this week: Tim got to feel Lucy kicking for the first time! I'm hoping the girls will be able to feel it soon.

Movement: Daily. I find it reassuring which is nice. I found it creepy with my other babies.

Gender: She's a girl!

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Being emotionally normal LOL

What I am looking forward to: Reaching viability, my anatomy scan on my birthday next Wednesday. Getting scheduled at the high risk clinic to get my mind put at ease.

Weekly Wisdom: Sometimes, God tries our faith, and as James says the trying of our faith worketh patience. I have had some major faith trying moments in the last two weeks that I am not ready to share or blog about yet, but I have learned one thing: God will take you to the point where you think you have been pushed too far, but the truth is He will not push you too far and will give relief before you break.

Milestones: Tim feeling kicks for the first time.

Three Girls. . .

2012-01-17T06:24:00.000-08:00

I have a friend with three girls. She is a hair dresser, nail technician, girly girl.

I am also going to have three girls.

I am not a girly girl, not one bit. The other day Miss N asked me to put at "twist" in her hair, and I had no idea what she was talking about. I barely know how to even do a French braid. I have never once curled their hair. We are lucky if they have matching hair bows most days. I have not invested in a stash of boutique bows for my girls. If I do get around to painting my nails, it's a day or two before they are a chipped mess, and they usually stay that way for at least a week. I am a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal, although I do try to stay looking feminine. I have a husband who wants me to look like a lady after all.

My bedroom "colors" are green. I had green as the primary color in my wedding. I don't "do" lace and frills. The most "girly" thing I do is scrapbooking, and that's only if I am lucky because I rarely have time.

And I am going to be the mom of three girls.

Guess it's time to learn to be a little girly.

Miss N's Response

2012-01-09T10:22:00.001-08:00

Before I forget, here's Miss N's response. "now you don't have to switch out all of the clothes for boy clothes. I was very worried about that." Funny kid.

Be Careful Little Lips What You Say

2012-01-09T09:04:00.001-08:00

When I was expecting Miss N, I was a teacher. I had a great, small group of kids to teach. They always wanted to know what I wanted to have, and my answer was, "A boy. I love you girls but girls are too catty!" Of course, we all know that Miss N was a girl.

I should have never said anything.

Because come May, I will be the mom of three girls.

Meet baby girl #3

She is healthy and weighs approximately 13 ounces, which apparently they measure by measuring the femur.

Tim's response: "Well, this will be a lot cheaper!"

Miss M's response: "I gonna have two sisters? I will call her Lucy. Why we not gets a brover?"

I haven't gotten to confirm with Miss N yet.

I am totally cool with this. I think the events of the last year and a half made gender less of an importance to me than having a healthy baby I can hold. God knows whether or not we are the right family for a boy, and at this point he said nope, we get another girl. I love watching my two sisters grow up, and adding another can't be so bad, can it?

Blessing

2012-01-04T11:41:00.001-08:00

Last week I received an email from a client indicating they would be dropping rates across the board in the new year. This represented a sizeable drop in income from a client that was bringing in a huge chunk of my monthly pay. While this client was not high paying, thye did have ongoing, steady work, which made it worthwhile to stick with them. The new pay rate was well below my minimum.

I started to panic. I am having a baby in four months, and I was planning to rely on this client to keep some money coming in when I took time off from my other clients after the baby was born.

Yet, this is turning out to be a blessing.

There is an amazing group of online freelancers I have connected with through a friend, and I went to them to "vent." They immediately offered support, not only through virtual hugs, but also through helping me spruce up my cover letter (which is vital in this line of work, no matter how experienced you are) and start finding new opportunities.

Currently, I am testing for three new jobs, one of which is very well paying for me, and all three of which I feel well qualified to do. These are not jobs I have "gotten" yet, but they are jobs I feel confident I can do well. One actually has basically agreed to take me on, but I am waiting to see if the pay is within my acceptable range.

If these come through, I will end up with less work and more income, because they are far better paying than the job that I am letting go.

I was in near panic mode last week, and now I am hopeful. Even if these jobs are not the right ones, I know that I am now in a position that I can land new positions. I do have the skills I need, and I will get through this. God has made this negative experience into something amazing, and in a very short time.

20 Weeks Update

2012-01-03T17:07:00.000-08:00

Technically I will not be 20 weeks until tomorrow, but I opted to do this tonight while I have a little extra time. I went to the doctor (not the high risk doctor, just the regular one) today and got some answers to some questions. She was fine with where my readings are, for the most part, and wants to play with the timing of my medication to optimize its effectiveness. It seems the goal is not necessarily to lower my numbers significantly but rather to stop the continual increase they were seeing, as numbers naturally increase in the third trimester.

All in all I am feeling much calmer about the whole thing. We also got a peek at the baby and are fairly certain on the gender, but his/her legs were closed pretty tightly so the ultrasound tech didn't want to make an "official" call yet. I will share when we get that "official" call. :)

How far along? 20 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Hubby hasn't been sleeping well and keeps nudging me. Not sure if I am snoring or if he finds me sleeping on my back (which was true one night) and he wants me to roll over for the baby's safety. Otherwise sleeping pretty well.

Best moment this week: Ultrasound. Got a cute picture of a little foot.

Movement: Daily.Definitely not as strong as Miss M's, so this child may not be as active as she was and is.

Gender: Most likely known.

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Eating without heartburn. The heartburn has already started. Boo!

What I am looking forward to: Reaching viability, my anatomy scan on my birthday next Wednesday. Getting scheduled at the high risk clinic to get my mind put at ease.

Weekly Wisdom: Proverbs 3:5-6

Milestones: Halfway done! Actually probably less than halfway since I will be delivering at least a week before my due date due to the c-section.

Blood Pressure Update

2012-01-01T05:35:00.000-08:00

So, this blood pressure thing - it is making me crazy!

The medicine seems to be working at a higher dose. When I take it, after a while I start getting readings of 118/72. Those are good readings.

But, and here's the real kicker, it seems to wear off before it is time to take it again. I take it first thing in the morning and first thing before bed. In the morning, my readings are high right after I get up. How can sleeping make your blood pressure go up? I have gotten some readings over 140 and over 100. Those are high.

Then, again, in the evening before I take it it is high again. I am sure it goes down after I take the medicine, but i am sleeping.

If I sit and do nothing except work it goes lower, but the minute I get up to move it spikes. I know these spikes are not good for me or baby, but I can't live my life sitting on my tushy with two little ones relying one me.

All of this does not bode well for staying off of bed rest. Tim and I talked about our options if that happens to have the kids cared for, and I can honestly say I am not a fan of most of them. They will be expensive, right at a time when work is dropping significantly for me. Oh yeah, that situation is not helping my blood pressure one bit!

Wednesday I reach 20 weeks. That is when I can have an "official" diagnosis of pre-eclampsia. Oh, how I pray that does not happen. How would you do the NICU thing with two kids and a business to run? The kids can't go with you to the hospital (kids are too germy to be around NICU babies). But, I don't even want to think like that until I reach viability.

Last night I dreamed that hey took the baby. The baby was in the NICU at just 18 weeks gestation. They said they had some miracle device that would keep the baby alive until viability, when they would go into the traditional NICU. In this dream I still did not know the gender of our baby. The nurse said, "It's a boy so we named him Henry." Then looked at her chart and said, "Wait, no it's a girl so we named her Megan." That is what the NICU does - it takes away your ability to be the parent to your child. Of course, not the ability to name your child, but it was just a dream. While I am thankful for the NICU and Miss N's health, I want to avoid going there again at all costs. Yet, bed rest with kids at home - how do you manage.

My sister in law said, "They will just have to learn to be more independent." But I have two, who fight, and one who is too little to perform even some basic hygiene on her own. I do not see how I could take care of them, even poorly, with my butt glued to the couch. We would have to have help, and help is something we cannot afford. I think unless you have been on complete bed rest, it is nearly impossible to understand just what that means. I have, but it was before I had any born children (N was tucked away inside).

Yes, I am worried about this. Yes, I know that whatever God has in store is best, but I am still worried. I already lost one baby in the past year and a half. Losing this one is something I cannot even fathom. High blood pressure puts a lot of risk on the baby, including placenta failure and cut toff of blood flow to the baby, so it is a serious thing. At least one risk, slow growth, is not something I am too worried about - as big as my babies tend to be it would be just fine for this one to grow a little slowly (said in jest of course).

I am waiting for the high risk unit at the hospital to call and schedule me. It has taken forever for the insurance approval and the regular doctor to get my information over there. Tim will go with me to that appointment, so we should get some answers, I hope! If you took the time to read all of this, please pray they call soon! I just want to know what the plan is and that my baby is OK. I don't think I can take more meds since it does come down so nicely, but maybe I can spread out the dosing a little differently to avoid these spikes. But I am no doctor so I cannot make these changes until I talk to one.

19 Weeks Update

2011-12-28T05:48:00.000-08:00

How far along? 19 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Decent

Best moment this week: Christmas! It wasn't "perfect" but it was fun!

Movement: Daily. I remarked yesterday to the girls that the baby was kicking me, and Miss M said, "The baby kicking - it want to come out!"

Gender: Unknown.

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Being a regular OB patient. I found out today I'm getting a referral to a high risk specialist. The bp medication was not as effective as she wanted, and I got some scary high readings, so she upped the dose (which so far seems to be working) but because of this I have to go to a specialist.

What I am looking forward to: Maybe getting an ultrasound (finding out gender) a little sooner. I think that's one of the tests the high risk specialist does.

Weekly Wisdom: Proverbs 3:5-6

Milestones: Not happy ones, but the carpel tunnel and intense (sporadic) hip pain has started. Isn't it early for that? Not fun!

Chrismtas Memories

2011-12-27T11:02:00.000-08:00

Ah, Christmas. This year I made msyelf all stressed out trying to make it perfect for my kids. It really was a beautiful Christmas. We woke to sweet girls waiting patiently in their beds (I told them to wait until we came to get them). We started the morning reading Luke 2, then we allowed them to open their stockings, and Miss N was thrilled to find Bella Sara (horse game) trading cards in it. She's been wanting these very badly for quite a while.

When I was getting Miss M dressed for church, I told her, "It's Christmas!" She got a very worried look on her face. "Aren't you excited?" I asked. "I no want see Santa. I no want sit on his lap." She was very worried she would have to see and sit on Santa since it was finally "Christmas." I assured her we would not make her do that ;)

After cinnamon rolls (frozen, not homemade, I can only do so much), it was off to church. All of their friends kept asking them what they got, and they were very patient to say, "We haven't opened presents yet."

We got home and finished some prep for dinner while waiting for Tim's parents to arrive. The girls were so patient waiting! Finally, we could not make them wait any longer. They started opening. They were every happy with their gifts, except one. I purchased a couple of games that were Toy Story themed, and M's response was, "This a boy toy!" Thankfully they really like them.

Dinner was nice, although my potatoes were lumpy (grrrrrr). After Tim's parents left, we watched Rudolph together. I love having it on DVD - no commercials or worrying about TIVO-ing it!

All in all it was a lovely Christmas. My one mistake was not giving M more "toys." She doesn't have a theme of toys she likes, but plays with everything, so I gave her games and craft stuff and a few toys. She was really into playing with N's new horses and doll, which did not go over well with N, so next year I will need to make sure she has new things of her own too that can be played with right away.

Let the Tears Flow

2011-12-25T19:31:00.000-08:00

So, I am a weepy mess with this pregnancy! It's crazy! You can ask my husband, I am not one prone to crying. Sure, I have the emotional outburst occasionally (don't all women?), but it's not a regular thing with me.

Not so anymore.

I mean, just today at church a friend said Merry Christmas and gave me a hug and I was almost in tears. How embarrassing! The other night something fairly minor happened and I was fighting back tears the whole night in a public situation. Caused a few people to worry that something was wrong with the baby and it really was something minor. This week a sweet friend offered to come and help with some stresses I was having, and I found myself in tears again because of her sweetness and my inability to manage it all. That inability led to a huge meltdown later in the week. And don't even get me started on the Target.com fiasco!

What's a girl to do? I do not remember being THIS emotional any of the other times I was expecting. After they were born, yes, then I was a blubbering mess, but during the pregnancy, no!

I guess it's just time to keep the tissue box handy. Wish my husband luck! Are there any old wives' tales about weepy meaning a certain gender?

Miss M Funny

2011-12-21T19:30:00.000-08:00

At night the girls take turns praying for the meal. We let either one pray if they want, actually. Tonight Miss M prayed,

"Dear Jesus, thank you for this food. Help mommy's baby come out so we hold it. Amen."

So sweet! They have been to two appointments without an ultrasound being done (I got spoiled early on) so they are really missing "seeing" their baby sibling. Three weeks until the "big" ultrasound! Actually, as long as my bp meds do their job, three weeks before I go back again (doc wanted to see me in two but she's out of town and apparently does not want me seen by anyone else).

18 weeks

2011-12-21T06:06:00.001-08:00

Kids are on break and my kitchen is a disaster (can anyone keep a clean kitchen while baking?) so this will be short. 18 weeks today!

How far along? 18 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Decent

Best moment this week: Having a day when I didn't feel the baby kick (which was also the most stressful day of the week so that added stress didn't help) and as I was reading my Bible that night, it gave me some real strong kicks to let me know all was well.

Movement: Daily

Gender: Unknown.

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Not thinking about my bp every second of every day, not taking it three times per day.

What I am looking forward to: Getting good news on my test results today because it WILL be good, right?

Weekly Wisdom: I definitely am not drinking enough water. Let's just leave it at that and not go into why I have come to know this. Thanks.

Milestones: None I can think of.

Birthday Party Quandary

2011-12-15T06:04:00.000-08:00

So, Miss N's sixth birthday is coming up in the beginning of March. I know that is two months away, but since we have a tiny house and need to have the party elsewhere, and venues tend to book quickly and are expensive, I have already been thinking about it. And now I am left with a quandary.

As a child, especially as a teen, I was always the one not invited. I was the excluded one. The "big" parties either invited everyone, and then I was included, or not, and then I was excluded. It hurt.

Now that I am the mom planning the parties, I do not want to inflict that pain on any child. But, this brings up a difficulty.

We have a lot of kid friends. We have school, and her class has 17 kids in it this year I believe. We have a handful of same aged friends at church. We have a group we have been friends with since toddlerhood. We have a smattering of friends here and there as well.

Last year, I invited everyone. I ended up with over 50 people at her party when you counted the parents and siblings that came. It was outdoors at a park so not a big deal, and we did have fun, but man was it stressful! I even had to hire a babysitter for the kids whose parents dropped them off - I didn't trust myself to be able to keep my eyes on that many kids in a big outdoor space.

So, now I am left wondering what to do this year. There are variables we didn't have last year, like additional cost. We won't be doing a park party in May since I will be having a baby then, so the party has to be in March at an indoor venue, making it more pricey. The venue I have chosen requires a minimum of 10 children, so I can't get by saying just two or three. I like the idea of "invite a child for every year of your life," so she could have 6 since she is turning 6, but that doesn't work for the venue she wants.

In Miss N's eyes, we could probably get by with inviting just the girls in her class and these two boys that are good friends, but what about the other boys? I know kids, they will talk. I know one friend whose parents I know was really hurt last year when a child had a party and invited almost everyone, but not her son. They had a 15 child limit at the venue and there were 18 in the class. Ouch. I don't want my child to be responsible for hurting anyone!

Then there are the church friends, the friendships I really want to cultivate, the friendships I want to last a lifetime.

So that is the quandary. How do you keep a birthday party sane and reasonable without hurting someone? I haven't decided what I am going to do yet.

I am definitely ready, I think, for the years of "invite three friends for a sleepover." What an easy birthday party! And no one can be faulted for limiting the party when it's a sleepover, right?

17 weeks

2011-12-14T05:49:00.000-08:00

Ok it's Wednesday, and that means time for that weekly update post!

So, blood pressure update. It's been all over the map, but I'm still not sure I am reading or taking it accurately. Friday I go back in for a bp check, so I plan to take the two machines/cuffs I have with me and compare readings. Yesterday I got 140/100 for my evening measurement, then this morning (laying in bed) it was 120/70.

I am very nervous about ending up on bed rest. Sheesh, I have two small kids, a husband who cooks only using the grill (and it's winter), and a thousand responsibilities. How will we eat? How will my kids get bathed, fed healthy food, dressed, lunches packed, out the door on time? How will the laundry get done??? I know others have ended up on bed rest with little kids, but I am praying it does not happen to me. But a b/p reading of 140/100 seems very high. Hopefully I am just not taking it right. Tim is convinced it is stress and worry making my bp high. . .

How far along? 17 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Decent

Best moment this week: Miss N asking almost every day, "Are those your pregnant clothes?" Cracks me up.

Movement: I think so

Gender: Unknown. I thought it looked girl-y on the ultrasound we had last week, but the tech said she could not call it because the umbilical cord was running between the legs.

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Not thinking about my bp every second of every day, not taking it three times per day.

What I am looking forward to: Hopefully scheduling my ultrasound sometime soon. I want to know the gender! I am tempted to go to Naperville because there is a place there that does the scan for $59. But, $59 is probably best spent elsewhere. I just need to be patient.

Weekly Wisdom: But my God shall supply all your needs. . .

Milestones: Not pregnancy related, but I allowed my girls to skip their naps two days this week (since we had nowhere to go after dinner) and they played so nicely together I was able to get my work done even with them awake! This is a huge thing around here! Gives me hope for the days when they are no longer napping, which are coming very soon.

16-week Appointment

2011-12-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

Well today's appointment has come and gone. My weight gain was less than desirable, but with the goodies of the season I am not surprised. The doctor could not find the heartbeat so off to Ultrasound I went (again). Baby was VERY active and HR was 154. I asked it it was too early to see the gender, and she said she would try. Baby was busy playing with the cord and sucking his/her hands. Sadly, the cord was running right between the legs so she couldn't call it. I personally thought it looked pretty girl-ish, but I guess we will have to wait another four weeks to try again.

I opted out of the quad screen. This one tests for genetic abnormalities, but, well, it's not going to change anything for me, and the really bad (aka fatal) abnormalities, like the trisonomies, are detectable, at least in part, on the 20-week ultrasound. It just didn't feel important.

Now for the bad part - my bp was high (138/74) - that is not terrible I guess but it is higher than the doctor wants it and higher than last time (when I was really nervous). So, I have to monitor it at home three times per day and go back in a week for another check. Please pray that it goes down or does not go up. This is exactly how my pregnancy with Miss N started, and I ended up delivering early with pre-eclampsia with her. The doctor said that it is "highly unlikely" to have that problem since I have the same husband, but I personally know at least two women who had pre-eclampsia on their third pregnancies with the same spouse, and they didn't have it with the first (I don't think) so I am at higher risk just because I did. So, I guess for me "highly unlikely" does not seem all that reassuring. I would really rather avoid being put on bed rest at this point. The fact that she wants me back in a week makes me a little nervous.

Christmas Carols According to Miss N

2011-12-09T04:37:00.001-08:00

I love listening to my kids sing. Here are a few treasures from my oldest for the season.

Away in a Manger

"Be near me Lord Jesus,
I ask thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray
Bless all thy dear children
In Thy Blender care,
And fit us for heaven to live with Thee there."

Silent Night

"Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round young version
Mother and child
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in Heavenly peace
Sleep in Heavenly peace."

Angels We Have Heard on High (chorus)

"Glooooo-ooooo-ooo-oooo-ria
In and out each day-o
Glooooo-ooooo-ooo-oooo-ria
In and out each day-o."

Gotta love the way they hear things!

16 weeks

2011-12-08T20:08:00.000-08:00

How far along? 16 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Rough week with sick kids and hubby.

Best moment this week: Feeling those flutters

Movement: I think so

Gender: Unknown.

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Pants that don't fall down all the time. I am not a fan of maternity pants.

What I am looking forward to: Appointment tomorrow!

Weekly Wisdom: You need to stop and do a craft project every once in a while.

Milestones: Pretty sure I have felt those early flutters.

School Age Children, Accomplishments, and Pride

2011-12-05T19:25:00.000-08:00

I have a very smart little girl.

Without getting boastful, let's just say that she does very well in school. From everything I can tell her sister will be doing so as well when she gets to real school age.

I did very well in school, so this is not surprising to me.

What is surprising is the new questions it has raised in my mind as a parent.

As a teacher, I always tried to find ways to praise my students for their accomplishments. I felt it encouraged them to try harder and push themselves next time.

What never occurred to me was the issue of pride.

Now that I am a parent on the other end of the child's life, I am beginning to wonder what role pride plays in school accomplishments.

Here are a few things I know:

God hates pride. It is a very despicable sin in His eyes. In Proverbs 6 it is listed with murder as one of the sins considered an abomination. That's serious talk!
Pride is easy and natural for sinful humans.
Our abilities are gifts from God and are intended to be used by Him.
God wants us to do our best. To do less than our best does not please Him. To have a child who did not work to her full ability in school would not please the Lord just as much as having a child who is filled with pride over her abilities.

Ok, so here is a scenario. A child comes home from school and announces that her reading group has finished x number of books, and other reading groups have not.

The child is stating this as a fact, not in a boastful way.

Is this pride? Is this sin? I do not think so. She is just making an observation.

Yet, when the child comes home and says, "Me and so and so counted to 100 today, and no one else could do it." that strikes me as pride.

Yet, is a small child really able to understand the concept of pride? There are definitely spiritual concepts that she does not comprehend. Should she not be taking pleasure in accomplishing a hard task?

Do we not take pleasure in accomplishing hard tasks? I know when I complete a large writing assignment and have worked hard on it, it brings me pleasure. I do not feel this is sinful, so perhaps it is not pride.

So what I am having trouble discerning is this: where does a biblical view of pride fall in applauding children's accomplishments. If my child is standing in front of the crowd saying lines in the school play some day, I am going to feel parental pride. Is this wrong? Is it wrong for the child to also feel a sense of pleasure at this?

Perhaps we have termed "pride" what should be termed something else, like "sense of accomplishment." Perhaps there is more to the biblical definition of pride than just feeling good about something you accomplished.

I know for now, when my daughter is happy about something she accomplished in school, I am going to be happy for her, but I am also going to point out that her good mind came from God and it is something to be thankful for. If she starts to notice others that struggle, I am going to have to come up with a strategy to help her be loving and kind and not boastful. I lost a lot of friends in school because I was book smart and did not carry it well, and I want to protect her from that, while also teaching her about the biblical view of pride.

Sensitive Girl

2011-12-03T06:03:00.001-08:00

My oldest has always had a sensitive heart. Sometimes, it is difficult as her parent because it is so easy to hurt her even when it is completely unintentional, but other times it is the sweetest thing to watch. On the way home from our Kansas City trip, I heard her say, "Miss M, will you please forgive me for all of the times I was mean to you?" It touched my heart to realize that she has a sensitive spirit to this, even after the fact.

A couple of days ago I raised my voice at nap time. I had to apologize to Miss N because I let stress about my workload impact my attitude toward her. She forgave me, and then the next day when I was laying her down (yes, she's almost six and still naps most days) she prayed, "Please help mommy to get all her work done while we rest." That sure motivated mommy to be diligent that day!

14-15 weeks

2011-12-01T05:44:00.000-08:00

So, blogging about pregnancy was the last thing on my mind while in Kansas City this past week. Really, these two weeks are not much different, so I will just make one update.

How far along? 15 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep. And I am sad because it appears I will need to buy some. I was really hoping to avoid that.

Sleep: Up once per night usually but not too bad.

Best moment this week: Eating dessert like a normal person and not getting sick!

Movement: Too early

Gender: Unknown.

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Not being winded all the time. I wish I knew for a fact this was normal. The baby isn't big enough to be causing this yet. My doctor said "You are just out of shape" but I was pretty well out of shape before I got pregnant and didn't have this problem.

What I am looking forward to: Feeling movement. Should be happening sometime in the next few weeks. Feeling a baby moving inside of me kind of creeps me out, but it's also very reassuring that all is well. Without feeling movement, you have no guarantees that anything is going well until you have those once a month appointments (which I must say are way too far apart!)

Weekly Wisdom: My perspective of how good or bad of a mom I am is always going to be tainted negatively. It is nice to see myself from someone else's view and realize I am doing a fairly decent job at this thing. Not perfect, but decent.

Milestones: Sickness is almost all the way gone!

Refreshing Holiday

2011-11-28T12:16:00.000-08:00

What a refreshing Thanksgiving we had! We traveled to KC to be with my family, including my brother and his fiance, my dad's parents, and my mom's mom. There were 11 total people for Thanksgiving dinner! My girls were so well behaved, they adored Jen (Joey's fiance) and I felt like we really got to relax. I took minimal work with me so it was great!

I am thankful we had the chance to get to know Joey's fiance a little better, as we likely will not see them again until the July wedding. The girls are so excited about being flower girls!

(this picture cracks me up - we were playing Mad Gab)

While we were there we went to Crown Center. Miss N saw a sign for Seussical, a musical dedicated to Dr. Seuss. She asked if we could go, and we found out that the Saturday performance would gain us one free ticket. We got the tickets and I am so glad we did (thanks mom and dad)! It was adorable. This play (I think there are more than one) was based on the Horton books (Horton Hears a Who and Horton Hatches an Egg). Both girls loved it, and I keep hearing Miss N singing, "A person's a person, no matter how small." That has to be my favorite Seuss quote of all time! It was N's favorite part of the whole trip. I grew up on Dr. Seuss and assumed every kid did, but I am finding that is not the case. The older I get, the more thankful I become for my childhood and my parents.

The girls really latched onto Jen, which was wonderful! They had to be near her at all times. I hope she was not overwhelmed by their clinginess! Miss M was a little under the weather but we managed to avoid the ER - Yeah for us!

Now we are home, mostly unpacked, and looking forward to setting up our Christmas tree! I am so excited for Christmas time - it is so much more fun when you have kids to share the magic with!

Family Traditions

2011-11-18T13:33:00.000-08:00

When I was five years old we moved completely across the country from California to Massachusetts. All of our family was in California. For the first time ever, it was just us.

Holiday traditions had to be just our little nuclear family. We didn't know other people to invite into our home to share the day with us when we first moved. It was just us.

My mom was amazing at creating traditions. We watched parades, ate certain things, read certain stories, decorated our home with our preschool artwork, set up the tree after Thanksgiving and pulled it down before my birthday in January. She really had a knack for making things special.

Sometimes, I think I have failed my own children in this regard. It's not that I don't want to have traditions, it's just that holidays are spent bouncing back and forth between different family's homes. It is hard to bring traditions with you when you are spending Christmas in Missouri or when Christmas schedules are dictated by your nearby family.

Last year our Thanksgiving plans were thrown off by the loss of the baby and the fact that I was not allowed to leave home until they were sure the procedure had worked. This year is our year to be home for Christmas, but our local family cannot get together.

The past two years i have had the "just us" time I have been craving. And you know what's funny? I had no idea what to do with it! For Thanksgiving I was not up to cooking a big meal my kids would refuse to eat, so we went to a buffet where Tim and I could get turkey and the girls could get what they liked. This year Christmas is on a Sunday so we will spend it worshiping with our beloved church family.

Yet, somehow, I want to carve in some traditions, those things my girls will look back on and say, "Remember how we always did xyz?"

I am starting small. For Christmas, starting December 1, we will unwrap one book from under the tree and read it. They are Christmas themed books. It is a fun tradition to help us count down to Christmas, and it can go on the road the years we travel. I am also trying to start a tradition of making homemade cinnamon rolls Christmas morning. Not something I would spend the time or money on normally, so hopefully it will be special to them.We also try to decorate gingerbread houses at least once in the season, although that didn't happen last year.

What other easy-to-travel, flexible traditions do you have? I know I am not the only mom of little ones who goes to grandma's for Christmas. In fact, I am learning that our isolation of having holidays "just us" is somewhat unusual. Most people have time with extended family this time of the year, and it is a good thing. Yet, I want some fond memories of "just us" for my girls to look back on. And in order to do that, I need to be purposeful.

13 weeks

2011-11-17T09:50:00.000-08:00

How far along? 13 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Crazy, crazy dreams. Last night I dreamed that my SIL was adopting a baby, and I found out in her annual Christmas letter. I told Tim and he said, "I know, I've known for five weeks." I was so livid that I started screaming, crying, and hitting him. I was mad that he kept a secret from me.

Best moment this week: Going almost the whole week without needing a nap.

Movement: Too early

Gender: Unknown. I think I have come to peace with either way, honestly. I just wish people would stop pushing me with "I bet you are hoping for a boy!" Makes it hard to stay focused on being content with a healthy baby, regardless of gender.

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Not having to eat constantly.

What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving trip to visit family

Weekly Wisdom: Praying in the morning, even just for 5 minutes, focuses my mind and helps me be much more patient with my kids.

Milestones: Depending on where you look, I am in the magical second trimester!

Laughing at the Dinner Table

2011-11-17T07:50:00.000-08:00

Last night I was laughing so hard I nearly snorted my roll!

Before I get into the story, here is a little setup. We have one child who is particularly interested in saying the word "poopie." I decided I did not want her saying this word all of the time, so I have tried to be consistent in saying that it is a word to be used in the bathroom.

Last night this child had to use the bathroom during dinner. If you have been to our house then you know that we can see the bathroom from our dinner table. She went in and was sitting on the potty proudly proclaiming "poopie! poopie! poopie!" Daddy told her she needed to finish and come back to the table and stop saying poopie, to which she replied "But I in the bafroom, so it OK say poopie!"

Then, she shut the door. "You can't see me! Poopie! Poopie! Poooooooopeeeeeeeee!"

She continued to say the beloved word and giggle her head off for about 10 minutes. Meanwhile, we were all, big sister included, cracking up. Who knew a forbidden word could be so much fun!

On Being Pro-Life

2011-11-15T19:15:00.000-08:00

I am pro-life. I believe that opting to kill your baby in the womb is murder. While I do not believe that to be any “worse” of a sin than, say, lying in the eyes of God, it is still wrong.

Yet, I allowed the doctor to kill my baby.

Honestly, I still feel guilt about that. Growing up, all of the pro-life discussions and sermons I heard would ridicule laws that said, “except for cases to save the life of the mother.” I believed with my entire being that God was the only one who had a right to decide whether the mom or the baby should live. I believed, and still do, that moms who choose not to pursue cancer treatment, for instance, in order to save their baby’s life did the right thing.

But what about a situation where God decides the baby cannot live simply by where the baby implants? What about an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy? This is a situation where the ending the pregnancy is necessary to preserve the life and future fertility of the mother. If the situation is caught early, like it was for me, the growth fo the baby can be stopped chemically. If it is caught too late, then nature takes its course and the baby explodes inside the mother, rupturing her tube and potentially killing her while almost certainly killing the baby. Either way, the baby dies.

While I still feel some guilt, I have come to peace with the fact that we did the right thing. Jeopardizing my life would not have given my baby a chance. My baby had no chance. Saving my life was the right and moral thing to do. I appreciated having a pastor who confirmed to us what we felt in our hearts and what our (pro-life) doctor told us. We did nothing wrong.

Yet, in my desperation to find someone who was pro-life and agreeing with me after last November, I spent time on Google. All I found was articles condemning me for having an “abortion” and not leaving my life in God’s hands. For an already heartbroken momma, that was the most painful little bit of “advice.”

This experience has caused me to change ever so slightly in the way I view the pro-life issue. I am still pro-life. After seeing my perfectly formed baby with its tiny hands and feet at just 12 weeks gestation, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is a person. Yet, I also believe that it is not always so cut and dried as preachers and advocates want to make it seem.

Are there other “save the life of the mother” situations where a viable baby would be killed? I am sure there are, although at this point I am not sure what they would be. But for my situation, my baby could not have lived. That part of the discussion is almost always left out on these pro-life issues. Even the recent “personhood” bill in Mississippi did not have it in there, although in later press releases the proponents claimed ectopic pregnancy treatment would be preserved. But, it gave me pause to consider whether I would be able to vote for a similar bill should it come to my state (not that it would happen in Illinois).

Perhaps we can be strongly pro-life without being so dogmatic about the rarest of situations. You cannot know what someone else experiences until you walk in his or her shoes. You cannot know all of the details of any situation until you have been there.

One Year Ago

2011-11-15T04:38:00.000-08:00

One year ago . . . .

. . . I sat in the doctor’s office, breathlessly waiting in hopes they would give me an ultrasound to see my unborn child for the first time.

. . . I winced in pain as she did the exam.

. . . I heard the words, “I just don’t see anything.”

. . . I was assured it was probably too early, but I knew better.

. . . The suggestion that maybe I was having twins, one viable one not, was presented.

. . . I left the doctor’s office confused, scared, and unsure of where to turn.

. . . I began a process of waiting, hoping, and praying.

. . . I loved my baby as much as I could as I waited.

A year and three days ago . . .

. . . I received a phone call that shook me to my core.

. . . I sat in a hospital room waiting to sign permission to kill my baby.

. . . I received a dose of chemotherapy.

. . . I desperately asked God “why?” but felt no answer.

. . . I dropped my kids off with friends for a pre-arranged sleepover. SO thankful for that time. Little did we know when we made the plans what the day would be bringing, but God knew.

. . . I completely lost it on the drive home, barely making it home safely.

. . . I curled up on the couch in the fetal position feeling like the worst mother on the planet. I signed permission for them to kill my baby. And I claim to be pro life. I cannot count how many times I was told growing up that you cannot terminate a pregnancy to save the life of the mother, and that is exactly what I had just allowed to happen. The guilt was intense. So thankful for a friend who came to pull me out of that.

. . . I went on a preplanned date with my husband, ate the most horribly calorie packed item on the menu, and simply didn’t care.

. . . We watched MegaMind. I will never watch that movie again.

. . . I went to bed, knowing I had made a decision I would live with for the rest of my life, and still wondering if it was the right thing to do.

Today

. . . I remember the baby I wanted and lost.

. . . I praise God for the friendships that carried me through the past year. I am so blessed to have a few people in my life who truly understand and accept the fact that, regardless of how much time has passed, this event has changed me.

. . . I rejoice in the new life growing inside of me, a life that would not be here had November not occurred as it did one year ago.

. . . I can say even though I still do not understand that my God is good, has never ceased to be good, and has a perfect plan.

. . . I still wonder if I will ever fully understand

If you know someone who has lost a baby, no matter how early they were, the anniversaries are hard. It is especially hard if they had something active to do with the loss. I do not know if it gets easier with time, because this is the first anniversary for me, but the due date, the date of the loss, and even the date they found out they were pregnant are burned into their minds, and it is not easy to forget. One of the best things you can do is remember with them. Today, I remember our baby, and rejoice that I will someday see my child again.

If you are one of the friends who held me while I cried, offered your love and support, and remembered with me, you know who you are. Thank you is not enough. But it’s what I can say. You will forever mean the world to me, and I only hope I can offer similar help to someone else at another time.

Watch Your Language!

2011-11-14T11:00:00.000-08:00

This is a general service announcement.

If you are the type of person who feels it is OK to use vulgar words in public, including f-bombs and such, you have a responsibility to determine whether or not there are small children standing directly next to you before you do.

If you decide to drop an f-bomb and those children happen to be mine, I will say something.

This momma does not appreciate hearing people curse around my babies.

I do not care if someone dented your car. I do not care if you are angry. I do not care. They are innocent children and you have no business talking like that in front of them.

Thank you,

Upset momma.

(I cannot believe how many people have no qualms about swearing in front of their children. It makes me so sad. However, should you choose to swear in front of mine, I will stand up for them.)

12 Week Appointment

2011-11-11T19:10:00.001-08:00

Ok, you all know how scared I was that there would be bad news today. Amazingly, I was very calm when the time came for today. All day I was calm.

At my appointment, my bp was up. Not sure if it was because I was nervous or what, but my doctor seemed a little concerned and said, "We wll have to keep an eye on this." It was 134/78, which isn't that bad, right?

The weight check was great! I only gained half a pound in four weeks! That is a total of 4 pounds the entire pregnancy so far. I am very happy with this. I tend to gain a lot early on. Maybe my inability to eat sweets is helping!

The doctor told me right away that she was going to try to hear the heartbeat, but that it might not be possible yet. She was not able to hear it. Again, I was amazingly calm. I think having the girls there was a good distraction.

So, I had an ultrasound. I don't think I have seen any of my babies at 12 weeks. It was amazing. There were little feet and arms. Miss N thought it was pretty cool. The heartrate was in the 150s. Here is the picture.
The baby was moving a bit too. I loved seeing the baby, and was amazed at how unscared I felt. All in all it was a good appointment. I have a great doctor too - she came to check on me and see how the scan was going during the scan, and totally understood my desire to schedule the c-section so I could be at Miss N's kindergarten graduation. I really like my doctor. Now, I am at the "safe" zone and finally feel like I can relax!

12 Weeks

2011-11-10T09:34:00.000-08:00

Well, I Was going to wait until tomorrow and what WILL be a good doctor's visit, but I had some extra time today so here is my update! I cannot believe I am now 3 months pregnant, and I also cannot believe so many women wait this long to tell their news!

I am taking the girls to my appointment tomorrow. I could drop them somewhere, but it woudl be very inconvenient with a 4:00 appointment, and, well, their presence or lack of presence will not change the outcome of my appointment. I have no reason at all to think anything is wrong, so I am going to embrace faith and take them along.

How far along? 12 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Definitely not the best this week.

Best moment this week: Enjoying some time on the old treadmill.

Movement: Too early

Gender: Unknown

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Being able to walk without getting winded. I really think it's too early for this but others have said they experienced it early. I still plan to ask about it. . .

What I am looking forward to: Appointment TOMORROW!

Weekly Wisdom: No amount of worry can change the outcome of this pregnancy.

Milestones: I'm Three months pregnant!

Again?

2011-11-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

I was just reading a blog post from a friend who has had two recent miscarriages, and was reading the encouraging comments from her readers. Yet again, I found in one of those comments someone who had seen the heartbeat from their baby at 6 and 8 weeks, then had the baby die at 12 weeks. This makes the third or fourth similar story I have read in the last week. Is God trying to tell me something, or is Satan trying to get in my head? I am not looking for these stories, but they keep finding me! Friday's appointment cannot come soon enough! Please, keep praying for our little baby.

I Need to Get on the Computer

2011-11-05T06:35:00.001-07:00

So, last night we were cleaning up, and afterwards the girls were wrestling downstairs. Miss N said, "Hang on, I need to get on the computer for a minute. I need to write 10 articles." She sat down at her computer and typed a bit then went back to playing.

At first I smiled. This is what mommy does, and she was mimicking mommy.

Then I worried (surprised?). Do I work too much? Was she saying that mommy is always working?

This balance is so hard. I want to be a good mom - the best mom. But i have to work. I try to work when they are sleeping and do not need me, but as they get older this is not always possible. Sometimes, I have to work while they self entertain. And, to be honest, I don't think that is bad. I don't remember my mom sitting on the floor playing with me constantly. I was playing with the neighbor girl, making mud pies outside, riding my bike, doing art. Since we don't have a neighbor girl to play with, my girls have each other. And that's OK.

But sometimes, the guilt that comes from being a work at home mom is hard to overcome. It's hard to separate the work from the family responsibilities. And I often am left to wonder if I am doing it right.

I am thinking ahead to summer. No school, an infant, and way less work time. Staying up later won't be an option with the lack of sleep. So, do I put them in daycare a few days a week? Bringing a babysitter here and going somewhere else to work won't really work with a nursing infant, and quite frankly I am not going to put a brand new baby in a daycare or babysitter situation. I need to be here to work and care for the baby. Putting them in daycare at their school is an option, but then we would not save any money on tuition through the summer.

So, that is what is on my mind. Guess it is time to think some things through.

Today

2011-11-04T15:14:00.000-07:00

This is a bit of a hodgepodge post.

Today. . .

My children got up from quite time, watched a short video, then played dollhouse. Dollhouse consisted of of setting up scenes and taking pictures of them using their kid tough camera.

My oldest helped me pick up toys with a happy spirit, willingly asking, "what should I pick up next mom?"

We went outside to get some fresh air. I contemplated how far I want them to be able to go - if they can only ride their bikes in the driveway, how will they learn?

We came inside and they sat and colored and played with stickers while I fixed supper.

Now, they have sheet music out and are singing along with a Sunday School songs CD. They think they are reading music.

These are the things I want to remember on my blog.

Miss N is learning so much in kindergarten and loving every minute of it! Every day she is more than happy to show me what she has learned. I love it! I am not really sure who her "best friends" are going to be. It seems she plays with just about everyone. Where on earth are we going to have her birthday party?

Miss M is also learning a lot. I hear she is very quiet at school, but she comes home singing all sorts of songs about letters and numbers. She has learned how to write "A," "E," and "F." Interestingly, her behavior at home has improved tremendously since she started school. I really struggled with putting her in K3 because I did not with Miss N, but it was the right decision. She loves it and is doing great!

I am so thankful for their teachers. I can tell that both of them love my girls. It makes me so happy to send them to a school where their individual personalities are appreciated and cultivated. I was worried about Miss M because she can be a handful and you have to really appreciate her, but her teacher does. I love it!

Miss N funnies:

The other night we were talking about something and the name of a friend from church came up. This gal has a daughter who is newly in college. Miss M asked who she was, and I said, "She is so and so's mommy." Miss N piped up and said, "No, she's not her mommy anymore because she went to college."

Miss M Funnies:

This morning I was leaving and Miss M wanted to know where I was going. I told her I was going to the chiropractor. She likes going ot the chiropractor because she gets a sticker and an organic lollipop when she is done. She instantly grabbed her lower back and said, "My back huwts so bad!" She didn't fool me, she just got adjusted a few days ago :)

11 Weeks

2011-11-02T19:49:00.001-07:00

OK, blogfriends, I am going to be honest. I am starting to get worried again. I mean, it's been three weeks since i have seen/heard the baby. And, not at all intentionally, but in my working and surfing lately I have read about at least three women who saw the heartbeat at 6-7 weeks, then had the baby die. I have no reason to think anything is wrong, but I am scared! I wish I had a different personality and could just let whatever will be, well, be. I have an appointment on the 11th. This many weeks between appointments is torture!

So, anyways, here is the 11 week update.

How far along? 11 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep. Tim vetoed an outfit tonight because he said it made me look 30 weeks pregnant. Oye.

Sleep: Not too bad.

Best moment this week: Eating a tiny bit of chocolate and not getting sick!

Movement: Too early

Gender: Unknown

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss : Having a neck that does not ache.

What I am looking forward to: Appointment next week.

Weekly Wisdom: As worried and scared as I feel, the act of worrying does nothing to change anything. I need to give it over to the One who can control the outcome of this pregnancy. That is not so easy for me!

Milestones: Starting to feel less sick.

Best of Friends

2011-11-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

My two girls really are the best of friends, and I love it! We have our moments (don't all siblings?) but if you get right down to it, they love each other deeply.

On Saturday we were playing in the leaves. The first time Tim threw N in, she sunk down past her head. She thought it was hilarious, but M was so upset about losing her sister! I thought it was so sweet how concerned she was.

Sunday night N was not feeling well so we let her stay home. I had nursery duty in the morning service so I took M to church so I could hear some preaching, and Tim stayed home with N so she could rest. When we got home the first thing M did was run to her sister for a big hug!

This morning after everyone got up and got the grumpies from first thing in the morning out of the way, they went skipping down the hall holding hands to help each other pick out fits.

I love moments like this! I remember wishing for boys, with both of my pregnancies, but I am so thrilled to be raising sisters and best friends!

M recently asked me where the baby was going to sleep, and I explained that N and M would be moving into N's room with bunk beds, and the baby would sleep in the nursery. Neither one was excited about this. Normally I would worry, and I am thinking the first few days or weeks of the transition will be tough, but honestly, I think this will be really good for them!

10 weeks

2011-10-28T05:43:00.001-07:00

I am at the 10 week mark! I know a lot of women who wait until they are 12 weeks to announce, and I am sure glad we didn't! I am already showing and it would be really hard to hide! I guess the extra "fluff" I was carrying around is getting pushed up and out by the baby! I am taking growth as a good sign and refusing to worry even though I haven't been to the doctor in about two weeks, which feels strange after the frequent visits before.

How far along? 10 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep. And apparently just wearing them makes me look pregnant because I am getting lots of comments. Not that I mind :)

Sleep: Not too bad.

Best moment this week: Being able to pick up my babies again! It came at a good time too with one feeling pretty puny.

Movement: Too early

Gender: Unknown

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss : Chocolate. I guess that might be the only thing I miss for a while!

What I am looking forward to: The second trimester!

Weekly Wisdom: Read this this week: Proverbs 24:3 "Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:" Been thinking on it.

Milestones: Getting off of modified rest and not having any problems as I reintroduced activities.

Meal Planning Help!

2011-10-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

Ok fellow moms, I need help!

How do you go about meal planning? I find myself struggling in this. Here is what I have tried.

First, I tried a six-week rotation. It for some reason was really hard to stick with, and most nights I didn't feel like cooking whatever was on that night's list.

Then I tried e-mealz. Great concept, but we really found we were not enjoying the majority of the meals, or they were not the type of food I prefer to feed my family (filled with processed stuff. Now I am no natural food all the way type of person, but we are trying to make small changes and when your menu revolves around cream of xyz and Velveeta cheese, it's hard to stick with your goals). I am probably going to cancel my membership within the next month or two.

So, now I am stuck again! Part of the problem is my tummy is so upset that thinking about cooking and food is just hard. I also struggle to try new dishes because the kids never like them, and it's so hard to psend that time and energy in cooking only to have everyone complain. Hubby doesn't complain, but he's not overly complementary either. But I have a family and they need to eat, even if mommy doesn't feel well. How do you menu plan? Have you found a solution that works?

9 Weeks

2011-10-19T14:58:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is my "flipping" day, or the day I change "weeks" in the pregnancy. Not much has changed but here is my "for me" update.

How far along? 9 weeks

Maternity clothes? Got out the maternity jeans this week. They are adjustable waist so they are working pretty well. Not tops yet. No "basketball" to fill them. I'm definitely in the "is she gaining weight?" stage of pregnancy!

Sleep: Good as long as I don't let my afternoon nap go too long.

Best moment this week: Miss M getting very excited when the doctor called with my preliminary blood work and it was "healthy."

Movement: Too early

Gender: Unknown

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss : Picking up my kids! Only one more week of restricted lifting if all continues going well.

What I am looking forward to: The second trimester!

Weekly Wisdom: Being pregnant does not give you a right to be rude to your husband.

Milestones: None I can think of.

First ER Trip

2011-10-17T16:57:00.000-07:00

Well, Miss M has had her first ER trip. Here is the story.

We had been having such a lovely day. I let the kids stay up during nap since they were obviously not tired, but they let me get work done, and in the morning while N was at school Miss M played so nicely and allowed me to get my chores done.

By about 2:00 I was tired of working and chores and decided to bake some pumpkin muffins. Miss N was playing computer and needed my help, so I went downstairs to help her. While I was down there, Miss M found the cinnamon that I had left out and poured some in a bowl. She was having a lot of fun measuirng it and pouring it with the utensils I had left out. I was annoyed at the mess but it was already there, so I let her play. She was having so much fun.

After a while she was pretty covered in it. She wanted more but I obviously didn't want to waste all of the cinnamon, so I gave her some flour. She played for probably an hour. When she was done I was cleaning her off. She had been playing in her undies only so her chest and thighs had a lot of cinnamon caked on them. I cleaned her up, then headed downstairs to watch sister play her game. I noticed that all of hte places where the cinnamon was caked on were covered in a hot, red rash. it was not hives, but something else. Then she said, "I don't feel good momma." Usually she will say that her "fever hurts" which is what she generally says when she doesn't feel well. This time she specifically said her "froat" hurt.

I called the pediatrician. Turns out, cinnamon is toxic if inhaled or taken in large doses. She had to go to the ER. I also gave her some benadryl.

I was pretty calm while driving, which is surprising, but I was obviously flustered because I left my purse at home. Kind of funny that I remembered to grab the girls' Leapsters so they would have something to do but left my purse.

When I was checking in and explaining everything, the lady behind the counter said she didn't know cinnamon could be toxic. That made me feel a tad better because I sort of felt like I should have known somehow that I shouldn't let her play with it.

Thankfully they put us on a "fast track" in the ER. Not sure why as her symptoms had totally cleared up by the time we got there thanks to the benadryl. However, she still had a red, irritated throat the doctor said, which required a strep test (negative). She's coughing and a little upset now, but all seems fairly well. I plan to give her some more benadryl at our bedtime just to be on the safe side, and until I talk to her pediatrician we will avoid having her eat any cinnamon. So strange!

Thankful at 8 weeks

2011-10-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

Today I had my first official OB appointment. Everything went amazingly well. The little bean (size of a kidney bean at 8 weeks) is measuring about two days ahead, so might be another big baby, who knows. My blood pressure was great, I haven't really gained any weight in spite of all I have been eating, and the heart beat was right there beating along (181 ). Also, since my problems of earlier seem to have cleared up, I am only having to be on the modified rest for two more weeks instead of four! Woo hoo!

I am now officially a "normal" OB patient. That means no more weekly trips to the doctor, no more worries (ha!), and no more scans every time I go in. That last part is a little sad, but I am so thankful to be having a healthy pregnancy!

So, I am going to start to blog weekly about my pregnancy. This is mostly for me, so feel free to ignore if you are bored by it :)

How far along? 8 weeks

Maternity clothes? I'm thinking it's time. . . at least for the pants. I can't fill out the shirts by my nausea is considerably worse with regular pants on.

Sleep: Pretty good - lots of trips to the potty during the night.

Best moment this week: Seeing the baby twice as big as it was last week on the ultrasound this week. Being released as a "normal" ob patient.

Movement: Too early

Gender: Unknown

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss : Chocolate! It's making me ill so I had to give it up. Feeling good in general. I'm not that sick (I have friends who are much sicker) but I would like to be able to not feel ill for a full day.

What I am looking forward to: The second trimester!

Weekly Wisdom: It's ok to rely on other people when you are not feeling well. This is temporary, but nonetheless real.

Milestones: Tim and my dad are almost done installing our reverse osmosis filter (we received for FREE!) so no more worries about our nasty carcinogen filled tap water! (For those who think I am being over protective, we get a notice every year about the carcinogens in our water!)

What If It's a Girl?

2011-10-10T11:49:00.000-07:00

This was too funny not to share. We were out to lunch yesterday with my parents who are visiting, and Miss N was telling my mom all about the baby and how much she wants a baby brother. My mom said, "Well what if it is a girl?"

Miss N: "Well, then we will just give the baby to someone else! We have enough girls in this house!"

My Husband Is the Best

2011-10-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

So, my husband is the best. Sorry, ladies, he's taken!

I have a confession to make. I am irritable with this early stage of pregnancy. Part of it is nerves, and part of it is hormones, and part of it is the exhaustion. Also, part of it is sin and I am praying daily to watch my tongue and patience with my kids. But I'm grumpy.

I was telling Tim last night about how I feel about this, and his response, "It's all a part of the process." So accepting and simple. Instead of being highly annoyed with me (as perhaps he had a right to be) he just accepts this as par for the course for growing a baby.

Miss N took the ultrasound pictures to school today (she wanted to, it was not my suggestion, and I cleared it with her teacher first, who of course was out today but what can you do?) She is very excited about the baby. Although, the other night when I was having my issue and we could not go to church, I told her we couldn't go because mommy wasn't feeling well. Her response? "Sheesh, you are always not feeling well. When will you get better? When the baby comes out? That is already taking FOREVER!" She's got a lot to learn if a week is forever!

I am thinking about letting her and maybe Miss M come to the 20 week ultrasound. I think Miss N would think it is really cool. Anyone done that before with an older kid? She will be close to 6 at that time.

Trusting Continues

2011-10-05T13:45:00.000-07:00

Well, we have told, we have told the girls, and now I wonder if we did the right thing. Sure, there was a beating heart, but really, I saw nothing that looked like a baby. Now, I have read about women who had losses after seeing the beating heart.

Remember when I said that trusting God had to be a minute by minute thing? I am starting to have one of those days today. I think because the tiredness is not as intense, so I "feel" less pregnant. Maybe part of it is that it has been nearly a week since I have been to the doctor, heard good or bad news, etc. I cannot see what is going on inside me. I am having to give Him everything.

My biggest fear? Honestly, it's no longer how I will survive another loss should it happen. It's how I will tell my kids. Both of them are excited and are talking about "the news" as Miss N says and "You have a baby in your belly" as Miss M says.

Update:

Last night I had some signs of a possible complication. I called the doctor and at first they wanted me to go to the ER, then they changed their mind and said to come to the office first thing in the morning. I did. They did the ultrasound and the baby was there with it's little heart beating away (151). She did an exam as well and verified my concerns. At this point everything looks fine but because of the symptoms I am having, I have to be on modified rest until I reach 12 weeks. No lifting anything over 10 pounds and no heavy exercise. That's five more weeks! I am so thankful that the baby is looking great at this point, though.

Lunch Time Woes

2011-10-04T09:33:00.000-07:00

So, it seems every time I have been pregnant the "do and don't eat" list has changed. Lunch time is a huge struggle for me right now!

My go-to meal is usually a nice salad, but right now scares of listeria and lettuce make me nervous. So, my second go-to meal is a turkey sandwich, but lunchmeat is a no-no unless you heat it (not my favorite). So, I also love tuna, and i remembered you were allowed some tuna but not tons when I was pregnant with Miss M. Google says otherwise - apparently that rule has changed as well!

So tell me, what's a girl to eat? I guess it is going to be PB&J or grilled cheese for the next nine months!

A Few Thoughts

2011-09-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, so now that the cat is out of the bag and I can finally confidently say I am pregnant, I have a few thoughts i want to get out there.

It's amazing how different I feel this time around. I wanted my other babies, of course, but this time, I so desperately prayed for this pregnancy and the ability to finally put November behind me, it feels like a true miracle. I was specifically praying to be pregnant before November, and then I specifically prayed to hear the heart beat yesterday, even though it was early, and God graciously answered. He did not have to - He could have chosen to teach me through more waiting, but He answered these prayers in the way I wanted.

As far as pregnancy updates, I am going to try to curb them to the blog and not post them on face book. I know all too well how hard it can be after a loss or when dealing with a period of time in which you cannot get pregnant to read pregnancy update after pregnancy update. I do not think anyone is wrong to put them out there on facebook, but I know I have friends who are struggling with loss and infertility, and I want to protect them. So, if you are curious about my pregnancy news (hi family!) then you can read here. If you prefer not to know about it, then feel free not to read. I feel this is the best way to be able to journal my thoughts, feelings, and news without bringing unnecessary pain to people.

And finally, I want to be pregnant! So, if you catch me complaining, please remind me how badly I wanted this! I know I have a tendency to complain and I am determined not to - that was another painful thing for me, particularly right after November. Logging on to facebook and hearing pregnant women complain about their symptoms was so hard because I wanted to trade places with them so badly. So, no complaining here! And if I slip up, someone give me a nice slap upside the head.

Last night Miss N decided to tell the cashier at pizza hut "My mommy has a baby in her tummy!" I guess she is excited! That makes me happy, although she really wants a baby brother. Hopefully she will be happy either way!

Telling the Girls

2011-09-29T11:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I totally intended to wait to tell the girls about the baby a little bit, but the cat got out of the bag fast when they saw the ultrasound picture on the table. (oops) Miss N already knew I was getting pictures taken of my insides this morning, and she wanted to know what the "big hole" on the picture was. I was not able to answer her honestly without telling her the whole truth, so I told them.

Miss N responded with a big smile and a "I hope it's a brother." and Miss M responded with, "I see the hole in your tummy mommy?" and asking me to lift my shirt. Then Miss N said, "Mommy, I love you. I will love you no matter how big you get." Oh my, crazy girl! I am glad she loves me. Then she was very worried about something, "Mommy, my teacher told us to raise our hands if our mommies had a baby in their tummies, and I said no because I didn't know." I think she thought she had lied. . . I assured her she was fine :)

We Have a Heart Beat!

2011-09-29T08:10:00.000-07:00

So, this morning I headed off to the doctor, after being totally scared by my doctor's report yesterday. The ultrasound at first showed just an empty sac. I was getting so discouraged! I knew that was not necessarily "bad" for how far along I thought was, but I still wanted further confirmation that all was well. I was praying very specifically for a heart beat to show up.

The ultrasound tech could not get one of the images she wanted using the one type of probe, so at the end she switched over to the other type (that is usually less detailed). She wasn't trying to get a picture of the pregnancy, but she did take another look. Then she started to look closer. I saw something flickering on the screen that was faster than my own heart beat (which I could also see on the screen.)

"Is that?" I couldn't finish the question. I have learned sometimes that the techs are not allowed to say what they are seeing or what stuff means.

She then switched back to the first probe to try to get a better look. It didn't work. So she went back to the less detailed one. Then it was forever before she could get that little flicker back. Finally, there it was, a little blob with a little heart beat. I felt the tears in the corners of my eyes. At first she could not get a reading on it, but then she was able to - 113. Later, the nurse practitioner said that was on the "low end of normal" which was perfect for how far along I was measuring - 6 weeks, 1 day. That measurement lines up with where I think things should be at this point.

I am so thankful for God answering my specific prayer to see a heart beat today. It helps me to relax, gives me permission from Tim to share our news, and also stops the every-other-day trips to the doctor.

Six weeks is still REALLY early, and I know that, but I also know that a heart beat is one of the best indicators of a viable pregnancy. It absolutely amazes me that at just six weeks gestation and measuring a half of a centimeter (stop and think about just how small that is!) the baby has a beating heart. Many women do not even know they are pregnant at this time!

So, we are expecting baby #5, which would be baby #3 to join us here on this earth. The "official" due date is May 23, so Tim got his wish - I will not be pregnant at all through the summer!

Mixed News

2011-09-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

Well, the nurse called today (Wednesday) with my blood draw results from Monday. Only, she wouldn't tell me what they were. All he said was, "Your numbers went up, and Dr. H wants you to come in today instead of tomorrow for your ultrasound." That was, however, impossible, because I was out in the boondocks on a field trip with Miss M. So, I wait until tomorrow morning.

I am perplexed why she wouldn't tell me what the results were. It makes me think they were bad. On the other hand, with the ectopic, they said, "Get someone to watch the children and come here NOW." so if they were worried about that, I don't think they would have been OK with me not dropping everything and coming in.

I have a decent amount of pain, and I don't think it's just normal "growing" pains. That scares me. But I can usually find a "reason." And it's not doubling over, falling on the floor type pain that I have been told is what will happen with ectopic pain.

Only a few more hours until I will have my question answered. I pray that it's all OK. If it's another ectopic, I don't know what I will do. I don't know how I would survive that, honestly.

I am not freaking out right now. I am fairly calm. I am also feeling like there is less hope than there was two weeks ago. I just have a "something's not right" feeling. But, I'm a pessimist quite often, and a worrier, so maybe that's just coming from me. . . I don't know.

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

2011-09-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

I am not good at waiting. I remember one Christmas when I knew where the gifts were stored, I would sneak in there and peak when my mom was off picking up the babysitter. I wanted to know NOW!

I am waiting this morning on my blood results from yesterday. If I took an honest look inside my heart I would say my gut says this baby is OK. But, I cannot help but wonder if I am being wistfully ignorant. And truthfully, my lack of faith or lack of belief in God's goodness, not sure which, wonders if He doesn't want me to continue learning lessons through trials. That maybe I didn't learn whatever November was supposed to teach me since I am still sad so maybe I have to do it again. Now that my naivity is gone and I know just how many things can go wrong at 6 weeks pregnant, I am scared.

I am analyzing every little ache, pain, and discomfort. I am happy to feel sick to my stomach, panicked when I sneeze and feel intense abdominal pain, albeit fleeting.

This little baby is in God's hands. In my head I know that those are the best possible hands to hold and care for him. Yet, in my heart I wish there were something more I, as his mommy, could do. I have limited caffeine, am trying to eat healthy and avoiding all of the right things, am getting all my blood draws, and am taking my vitamins. There isn't anything else I can do, and yet, it is still hard. I face each day with this breathless sense of anticipation, jump when the phone rings, hold my breath when I see the Dr. on the caller ID. I haven't really had any bad news, except that one scary day when the nurses didn't agree, but I am still jumpy. I hope that soon, I will be able to calm down. Less than 48 hours until my next ultrasound. That's not long at all!

This song has been a tremendous encouragement to me these last few weeks. I cannot post a mp3 of it, so I will post the lyrics. It is on a CD I have from the Wilds.

And this we know in the journey of life. Whether green, rolling hills or the desert bare and dry. In all things God works for our good, for those who love the Lord.

In the lush, verdant valleys where we walk sure and strong, or the rugged terrain unsafe and long. God has promised His help, "Fear not, I will guide you. Take my hand, for my promises are true."

And this we know in the journey of life. Whether green, rolling hills or the desert bare and dry. In all things God works for our good, for those who love the Lord.

In the seasons of life, times of joy or despair, victory and defeat. "I know the plans I have for you," says your God. "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Believe in me, trust in me, for I am your God."

And this we know in the journey of life. Whether green, rolling hills or the desert bare and dry. In all things God works for our good, for those who love the Lord.

Peace, Sort Of

2011-09-25T05:53:00.000-07:00

I went away this weekend. After hearing from my doctor that she was not at all concerned on Friday, I decided to go.

It's amazing how much peace I felt just hearing she was fine with everything. Yes, I think about the baby/pregnancy constantly, but it's not so much a panic as it is a soft concern. I am beginning to accept that there is nothing I can do about this. If the baby is meant to survive, he will; if it is not, he won't. I am even coming almost to the point where if I lose this baby, I think I would be able to stomach trying again. I think realizing there is such a small chance, maybe even no chance at all at this point, that it is an ectopic helps. People have blighted ovums (traditional miscarriage reason) all of the time and there is nothing they or their bodies have done to cause it, so trying again is not a danger.

I am praying very specifically for two things this week. They are:

1. That my blood work will not do anything funny Monday. I will get that result Tuesday.
2. That we will be able to see something definite, preferably a heart beat, on Thursday at the ultrasound.

Choosing to trust God in this has become a minute by minute ordeal. Google has not been a friend to me. It makes me crazy and I am trying to stay away. But sometimes I cannot.

Finding out this early (probably before 4 weeks even!) has been a mixed blessing. The early testing is great but it is also incredibly maddening. Praying we will soon be released from all of this testing and treated like a normal, healthy pregnancy.

I have known I was pregnant for almost two weeks now. It sure feels like a lot longer than that!

Miss M Funnies

2011-09-23T07:10:00.000-07:00

Miss M is certainly the little comedian. Here are a couple from just the last two days!

We were in the locker room at swimming lessons and Miss M was very interested in seeing all of the other ladies. Now, you need to understand that i am by no means a skinny-minnie. In fact, there is very much in that regard I would like to change, and my kids understand what a curvy woman looks like. Anyways, this woman comes out of the adult changing area in her bathing suit. She was very nice and was chatting with the girls. Then she goes over to wash her hands and Miss M says, "mommy, why dat lady got big butt?"

I wanted to crawl in a hole and laugh at the same time. I said, "Miss M, everybody's bodies are different." Then of course after the lady left (quite quietly) I told her, "If you want to ask a question about someone's body, please wait until we are in the car."

Then this morning I was telling her she could not wear her rain boots because yesterday she was packing them full of rocks. Then she said, "I frow rocks at boys heads and I frow rocks at girls heads. That funny!"

"That's not nice, your friends won't like that!"

"It funny mommy!"

"No, it's not funny."

"Miss C (the K4 teacher) like it, She say it funny."

Too much! I love this little girl so much. We are breaking through some of our stubbornness issues and she is becoming so much fun!

Scares, Relief

2011-09-23T06:43:00.000-07:00

What a roller coaster the last two weeks have been!

So, here is where things stand. My Dr. is pretty sure it is not an ectopic. Now we just have to give it time to see if it will stick or not. As with any pregnancy there is always that chance of miscarriage.

I had an ultrasound yesterday and it looks like a sac is developing where it is supposed to develop. Nothing in it to be seen yet but that's normal for this stage of the game (probably right at 5 weeks). However, the practitioner I saw (not my Dr.) freaked me out by telling me that I had a 50/50 chance at this point. Then, when I called later to ask a question, the nurse on the phone (not my normal nurse) scared me even further saying that my numbers are not doubling anymore (which is typically bad).

I had to wait until today to hear from my doctor, because she was at the hospital yesterday with surgeries. She called first thing (literally, 8:01 and they open at 8) this morning. She said she is not worried at all yet and we just need to be patient. I asked about the number and she said it does not worry her. I asked about the 50/50 chance and she said that she thinks we are much higher than that at this point. So, positive news. Of course, I don't think I will feel 100 percent positive until I see that beating heart but I will take what I can get.

For now, I pray for my baby to grow, be healthy, and for the ability to trust God. It is an hour by hour process. I cannot just say "I am going to trust God" and boom, it happens. I have to constantly surrender my fear to Him. It is NOT easy!

Learning to Trust

2011-09-19T19:05:00.000-07:00

I find myself saddled with fear through the first weeks of this pregnancy. November was very traumatic. I am so scared it will happen again.

Over the weekend i started feeling some pains, the same pains that sent me in for the ultrasound on November and got the ball rolling to finding the ectopic diagnosis. The pains were in the exact same spot. In November the doctor finally did say those pains were not related to the baby, but it was still scary.

So, I called this morning, feeling a little foolish because I figured it was nothing to worry about, but still, I was worried.

They wanted me to come in, so I found someone to watch the girls and in I went.

The visit started with an ultrasound. I knew it was too early to see anything, but I still had hope. They took all of the measurements but there was nothing to see.

Then the doctor called me back. I was very surprised because my bp was only 133/80, which is high-ish but not through the roof. I was VERY nervous, so maybe that means my bp will stay OK this time around.

The first words out of her mouth were, "I don't see anything scary." I felt a similar sense of relief as I felt on Friday when the nurse called to say my numbers were perfect. Like I could breathe again. She did not really give me an explanation for the pain (which is not intense or anything, just nagging) but she did say, "I think we got it this time. I really think this pregnancy is going to be just fine."

I wish I had her confidence. I almost wish I hadn't taken a test so early. It's probably at least another week before we can see anything on ultrasound, and then two more before a heartbeat is possible to be seen. Which means three weeks before we can tell, three weeks before I can feel more peace, and a very, very long wait for this momma. I really, really want to tell Miss N, because she is noticing differences in me - I'm more tired for instance (when was the last time this mommy took a nap?) But, I don't want to tell her until I see that beating heart. So, we wait. and wait. and wait.

I wish I could trust better. I know I serve a great God. I know He has a perfect plan for me and my little family. And I do trust him, but I also know that heartache is sometimes in His plan. Obviously, because we went through November. So, I am trying to cast my anxieties on his capable shoulders when they pop up, but I am not going to be ashamed of them. I think it's normal. I think it's a human response to a horrific circumstance. I think the answer lies in what we do with our fears - do we dwell on them, or do we turn them over to the God who can truly care for them.

Top 10 Reasons I Love My Kids' School

2011-09-16T06:24:00.000-07:00

My kids attend a great little Christian school nearby. I love it. I mean, I really love it. Here are some of the reasons:

1. It is five minutes from my house.
2. The principal really cares. I caught him trying to learn the names of the K3 kids this week. K3 kids can easily slip through the cracks.
3. The teachers really love the kids and it shows.
4. The teachers are great about communicating with parents. The K5 teacher even gave all the parents her cell phone number at the beginning of the year. Now that's trust.
5. It is a Christian school without the over emphasis on rules rules rules.
6. I am FB friends with several teachers. Which is nice because I feel more confident in trusting them with my precious girls. Also, they are willing to chat with me if I have a question or concern.
7. It allows me to send my kindergartener only half days. Big deal to this momma.
8. They plan really fun field trips and let me come along.
9. My kids love going there.
10. They use the curriculum I would use if I homeschooled.

Putting my kids in school was not actually an easy decision. Many moms I highly respect homeschool, and I am certainly qualified to do so. But with Tim’s leadership and a good, hard look at where we stand right now with schedules and such, school is the right decision, and I am so glad I have a great one to turn to! My only complaint is that it stops at 8th grade. I guess my kids will have to be high school dropouts! (Just kidding of course)

Pregnancy Post 2

2011-09-15T13:34:00.000-07:00

Well, today I went in for blood draw #2. I had a bit of a scare this morning. I had to go to a clinic to get a proof of pregnancy and they said the urine test was negative. So glad i had heard back from the doctor yesterday that I was "early pregnant." They re-read the urine test and it was positive. Not sure what happened there but it left me with fast heartbeat for a while.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I find out if my numbers are doing what they should. Tomorrow I call my mom to tell her what the results were regardless. Oye, my brother is going to kill me.

For the most part I feel peace, a good vibe, whatever you want to call it, but, well, I have these moments. Moments when I wonder if God will let me keep this baby. Moments I doubt my own faith if He says "no." Moments I feel extreme guilt for being this fearful about what could be my third baby when people I care about cannot have any or have just one and cannot have more.

Tomorrow. Twenty-four more hours. Then probably a couple of weeks for an ultrasound to see if there is a heartbeat. Be still, my heart, God is in control.

Pregnancy Post 1

2011-09-13T17:49:00.000-07:00

Well, it has happened. I have gotten a positive pregnancy test. I have such a hard time saying, "I'm pregnant" because I am nervous, but all in all I feel pretty peaceful. There is that nagging turning over feeling in my stomach, but I do feel pretty positive.

We are waiting to tell people until at least the first round of blood draws. The first one was today (Tuesday, Sept 13). If the blood work seems good, we will have to tell family. We will probably wait until the first ultrasound to tell too many friends, but they will likely do one fairly early to date the pregnancy. Some of my issues will make it impossible to date without a little peek inside.

Just a few days ago I started praying very specifically that God would allow me to be pregnant before November 15, the anniversary date of when I found out something was probably wrong with my baby. While I do not know if I will be able to keep this baby, God has answered that prayer. Now, i pray for safety and for a calm spirit.

The due date, should God allow us to keep this baby, is not at all at a good time. But I trust God's will in this matter. And, of course, I am beyond elated to finally be pregnant. It has been a long two months.

My doctor said in her 20 years of doing OB/GYN work, she has never had two back-to-back ectopic pregnancies in a patient. I pray I am not her first.

Rejoicing!

2011-09-10T06:18:00.000-07:00

So i have some praises to share!

First, remember this post? About how I was not ready to go through the pastor search? Well, our pastor officially resigned June 30. Here it is the beginning of September, so only two full months, and we already have one! No drama, and he was voted in with just one negative vote. Tim and I really, really like him and his wife. I think they are a perfect fit for our happy loving little church. We are so excited. We will continue to miss our former pastor and his wife but are excited to be moving forward.

Second, remember this post? Well I found a pediatric opthamologist only about an hour away who not only is trained in vision therapy, but also takes the girls' insurance. And we have an appointment Wednesday. God is so good and I am so thankful I bit the bullet and called around. I hate making phone calls but in this case it likely saved us thousands of dollars, or the decision to not pursue something our child needs due to finances.

There is a third praise about something that I cannot share. but let's just say I was dreading something and praying about it and it was not as bad as I thought. God gave grace.

Thoughts on Prayer

2011-09-09T07:09:00.001-07:00

I have something on my mind and heart that I have been praying about for a while, but I decided last night during my quiet time to start praying much more specifically. While I do not desire to share on this blog the specifics of the request, it left me to think.

Praying specifically is scary for me. It is easy to pray generically, “God, please be with such and such need and work it out in your timing and give grace.” Then, no matter what the answer, it was simply “God’s will.”

So why is praying specifically so scary?

Because God doesn’t always work on our time table, and I know that. I have seen that. A sweet friend who lost her foster child to the system showed me that very, very clearly a few years ago. Other friends who are battling diseases and not yet seeing healing have shown me that.

The bible even says, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Is 55:9)

Yet, I always hear that we are to pray specifically. In thinking about it, though, I cannot think of a particular verse that says so. I can think of “The effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” But that does not necessarily say what the “much” is.

So am I wrong to pray very specifically? Am I wrong to ask God for something in, well, my time frame, while readily acknowledging His ways are best? I know He has the power to grant this desire, but I am beginning to wonder if He has the desire to do so.

I guess deep down in my heart, I am afraid of what I will feel if God says “no.”

Yet, I know God wants to know our desires, and we should bring our requests before Him, so for now, I will pray specifically.

Sadness

2011-09-01T14:13:00.000-07:00

Miss N had her second eye exam today. A year ago I found out she had a severe deficiency in one eye, to the point of having some permanent vision loss. I was a bit floored and did not ask at that appointment why or what that meant.

Today I did.

I am sad because had I caught her problem earlier, we might not have a permanent vision issue.

The doctor explained it like this: If you take a toddler and pin their arm to their chest, the muscles in the arm will atrophy. The eye is a muscle, and it gets exercise by visual stimulation. When the visual stimulation is not coming in accurately, the muscle atrophies. Therapy and glasses can help, but cannot restore the lost vision completely.

I realize this is not a serious issue. She can read, she can color, she can do puzzles, so obviously she can still see. I just wish we had caught it earlier. "Permanent vision loss" sound so, well, permanent and serious. I thought they screened preemies for these types of problems? Somehow she slipped through the cracks until age 4, when I went with my gut and had her checked. When he flashed the letters up on the screen for what I think was 20/40 vision, even with her glasses she could not read them. This made me sad.

He did explain that doctors do not prescribe the full prescription a child needs when they first get glasses. They typically work their way up. So her eyes haven't changed, but he is upping the prescription again. Before it was like 60 percent of what she needs, now it will be more like 90 or 95. That was interesting to me.

Miss N needs therapy for her vision, which will be expensive and cannot be done locally, but what is a parent to do? My kid has to be able to see! I am glad for one thing - she has a lazy eye, but apparently they are steering away from the patches for that problem these days. He said that is like giving an aspirin for a migraine headache. It may help, but it is not enough. So she will not have to wear a patch which I am thankful for.

In two weeks I take M to be checked, because this problem can run in families. I am already dreading this. She is getting calmer every day, but she is not one to sit still in a chair for a long time. Wish me luck!

What I Want to Be

2011-08-25T13:23:00.001-07:00

What I Want to Be

As a mom, I want to be:

· Cheerful and loving
· Engaging and creative
· Someone they can turn to when they have a problem
· A trusted confidant
· Someone who is fun and fills my home with laughter
· Someone who has a chaos-free, tidy home so I fee less stressed
· Someone who disciplines well but out of love and out of a desire to see them grow into young women who love the Lord and respect others.

But I am:

· Sometimes moody and quick to chasten
· Stuck in a rut
· Someone who at times gets tired of the constant babbling and chatter
· Someone who wants bedtime to be over so I can start working
· Someone who is so serious minded that sometimes laughter eludes me
· Someone who is constantly stressed about the mess – I really need someone to teach me how to keep my home so that it is not so overwhelming.
· Someone who disciplines in frustration far too often.

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately, blogs from moms who do things a bit differently than me. Here is what I want to change:

· I want to stop, slow down, and take time daily to enjoy my children
· I want to get my children involved in day-to-day tasks, rather than sending them to do independent things so I can get my home in order.
· I want to stop and listen, rather than immediately sending the crying/whining child to her room to cool off. Sometimes I do believe this is necessary, but sometimes I need to stop and listen.
· I want to spend time in God’s word in the mornings. Nighttime is just not working for me. It is harder in the mornings, because there are interruptions, but I want to try to make this a habit.

School starts in less than a week. I hope that having three dedicated mornings to work will help me free up time in the afternoons and evenings to just be with my kids. But I must get a handle on this house before that will ever happen. All I can see when I sit down to play is the dirt, clutter, and cleaning that needs to be done.

Time Delayed Teaching

2011-08-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

One of the principles taught in Parenting with Wisdom (yes, I know I failed in my summaries, but I do so much better with interaction so I kind of gave up. I promise you will love the book if you read it!) is time-delayed teaching. It’s actually a concept I learned first on Michelle’s blog, but basically, the idea is that the teaching we do with our kids often doesn’t fully “sink in” right when we are teaching.

I have seen this first hand recently.

One thing I have been working on is helping my children se all of the things they should be thankful for. For instance, when they are complaining about something I do not do for them that they want, I point out all that I do actually do for them. It usually does not work to stop the complaining.

But apparently it is working after all.

A couple of weeks ago we were coming home from church. Miss M was overly tired for some reason, and she wanted me to open a door for her, but daddy did it. She started to wail as if we had taken away her favorite teddy bear. I overheard Miss N say, “But M, think of all the good things mom does for you!”

A similar issue is complaining about dinner. I am not sure if I did this out of the right heart attitude, but one day I had had enough, and my gentle reminders to not complain were getting nowhere. So, I made it very clear to her that God hates complaining, and then I told her exactly how it made mommy feel. I explained that cooking is hard work and something I do because I love my family and want them to be happy, healthy, and have full tummies. I explained that it is a lot like when she makes a picture for me at school that she works hard on. I asked her how she would feel if I looked at the picture and said, “that’s ugly” and threw it in the trash. I then explained that when she complains about the food without even trying it, it makes me want to cry.

Of course, this was met with more complaining, and I thought it got nowhere. But, I noticed something. Over the next week or so, she stopped complaining. She actually started looking for something on her plate that she liked! For the first time in months, I was hearing “Yum, I like chicken!” instead of complaints!

So these two instances have caused me to take heart. My teaching is not falling on deaf ears the way it seems. They may not respond right away, but they are listening and learning! I can teach them!

A Proper View of Beauty in Today's Society

2011-08-22T05:46:00.000-07:00

This morning I read this article about a French clothing designer marketing lingerie for young girls. Beyond the disturbing nature of the idea, the images were equally disturbing. It brought to mind something I have been thinking on.

My oldest child is 5, yet already she is becoming consumed with “pretty.” We were driving one day and passed a Hooter’s billboard with one of the Hooter’s girls on it. “Mommy, that lady is pretty, isn’t she?” was the unsolicited comment from the back seat.

I was taken aback. Yes, the lady is pretty, but do I really want to say that to my impressionable child? What is she noticing as “pretty,” the tight, revealing shirt or her pretty face?

I was a bit relieved when a few weeks later we had a pastoral candidate at our church who had a 20-something daughter who played the French horn. She was a lovely young lady, but completely modestly and appropriately dressed. The same child leaned over and said, “Mommy, that lady is very pretty.” Just yesterday we were driving and next to us pulled a young woman who was not, in my definition, pretty, but she was wearing makeup and had her hair fixed nicely and she received the same comment.

So, I am not sure what defines “pretty” in my daughter’s mind.

But, one thing is stuck in my mind. Our society values “beauty” above all else, and that beauty is not at all inward. It is defined as a skinny body, large chest, and perfect hair and makeup.

As the mom of girls, how do I protect them from this image? It is literally everywhere! Even the seemingly innocent “princess” genre is filled with beautiful women with perfect bodies. Yes, they also have good character, but they are nonetheless beautiful.

Proverbs says, “Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.”

How do I teach my daughters this truth? We could and probably will spend some time on this verse, but I think that the teaching must be deeper than that. We cannot avoid the overly-sexualized images that surround us in this society. We drive past that Hooter’s billboard regularly, and it’s not possible to avoid. I do not feel that eliminating princess stories and videos is necessary.

I often wonder if I add to this problem by emphasizing looking nice for church. We wear our “best” dress, add a necklace, and fix our hair. I do not think this is wrong, because we are going to spend time learning about our Lord and should look our best, yet when I say, “you look so pretty!” am I adding to this focus on outward beauty, or am I instilling proper self confidence to help combat the insecurities that will inevitably come in junior high (she is, after all, my mini-me)? These are questions that are hard to answer!

This is something I plan to think on for a while. Thoughts?

Thoughts on Loneliness

2011-08-12T12:32:00.001-07:00

I have had many periods of my life when I felt lonely.

I remember sitting on my bunk at Maranatha as a brand new freshman, knowing only one other person on campus who I didn’t really think I liked all that well (but that’s another story altogether), wondering what life was going to hold for me. I was lonely. But that didn’t last long. Soon I was surrounded by people I grew to love and care for.

I remember attending a church where I felt disconnected from most of the people. Most people were friendly, but they were so busy with their own needs and families that they rarely had time for others. Those who would perhaps have reached out lived far enough way it was difficult to forge friendships around busy schedules.

Today, I can honestly say I am not lonely. But, in my lack of loneliness, I am noticing something. I am surrounded by lonely people.

It may not be the person you would ever think feels that way. Perhaps the lonely one near you is surrounded by people on a daily basis, giving you no reason to think she is lonely. But maybe she doesn’t have that one person she really feels connected with.

I have recently been thinking on how wonderful it is to not feel lonely. In fact, after this past weekend, I was actually ready for a break from friends! (In a good way of course). We have been blessed with many friendships suddenly, and it is wonderful.

It seems, though, that I am becoming more and more aware of those around me who are lonely. It has made me stop and think – when I was lonely and begging God for a friend, was I surrounded by equally lonely people and just couldn’t look outside of myself to see them? Was my inward focus on my need for friendship preventing me from seeing the need in others?

So my challenge to you is two-fold. If you are blessed to have many friends, is there someone outside of your sphere of influence who could use the same blessing? Can you reach out and help a lonely woman find friends?

If you are experiencing a season of loneliness for yourself, can you stop and look around? You just might find that there is someone equally lonely you could become a blessing to. Soon, neither one of you will be lonely.

I am burdened to be more aware of those around me who could use a friend. I know how it feels. . .

Why I Love These People

2011-08-07T05:33:00.000-07:00

I am not funny.

I think too much, and I think way too deeply into things.

Sometimes, in social situations, I am so busy thinking about what I should say that I never say anything or I say the wrong thing.

I really enjoy being around people, but social situations make me nervous because I am concerned I will do or say the wrong thing. I also do not have the skill that some people I know possess of making people feel comfortable or asking all of the right questions about them to make them open up.

Which leads me to this.

I love these people:

Why?

I've always had a few friends who I felt accepted the real me. A small group of moms of similar-age children, a handful of friends who have known me since high school, Tim, my family, etc. But for the first time, I have a large group of people I feel genuinely comfortable around.

My church family is special. Last night we went bowling together and you know what? It didn't matter who was grouped with Tim (I don't bowl) in the lane, we had fun. We went out to eat after and I was looking around the room thinking, "This is the first time I have walked into a room at a party and not felt uncomfortable about where I was going to sit." I knew no matter where we sat, we would have nice conversation and an enjoyable evening.

When any of the people from Heritage get together, you know it is going to be good, clean fun. (well, there might be a HELLO thrown in there, right guys?) I don't think they can know how deeply thankful we are for them. Yep, I am tearing up typing this.

To my church family: Thank you for accepting people (not just me) for who and what we are. You may not realize how special that makes you, but it does! For this overly analytical, socially awkward gal, it is such a blessing to have true friends who love me in spite of my flaws!

Happy Birthday Miss M!

2011-08-01T13:48:00.000-07:00

Three years ago, God blessed us with this 10 lb. 4 oz bundle of energy.

Miss M, one day old
Miss M, one year old

Miss M, two years old

Miss M, three years old.

There are no words to describe this child's personality. She definitely knows what she wants and will do what it takes to get it, even if it gets her into lots of trouble.

Here are some accomplishments Miss M has made this year:

Truly learning how to talk and communicate verbally

Learning to sing many songs, including Jesus Loves Me and ABCs

Learning how to climb the ladder on our slide climber

Learning her first Bible verse

Attending her first Bible School

Moving into a real Sunday School class

Really learning to play with her sister

Graduating into a "big girl" bed

Potty training (woo hoo!)

I am sure there are more, but these are the ones that come to mind.

While this child brings many challenges that are quite different than her sister, in the last year she has really blossomed and become a joy to me. She makes me laugh almost daily with her silly antics and the things she says, and I am learning that she does think a lot about things. It is a challenge to keep her occupied and out of mischief, but a challenge I embrace. I love you, spunky girl!

Helping a Child Change Her Thinking

2011-07-11T12:55:00.000-07:00

Miss N has been in a funk the last few days. I have been praying for insight about what it is and how I can help her out of it. Not sure I have found it yet, but we made some progress this morning and I learned something in the process.

Today everything came to a head. We were in Target. I made it clear what we were doing at Target and that we were not buying any toys. Things were going well until we got to the checkout, where a beautiful princess Barbie was on display. Miss N decided she wanted it. I explained that I had not brought money for toys today, and she started whining and complaining. “You never buy me anything, I don’t want earrings (we were headed to the mall to buy them for her newly pierced ears). I just want this Barbie. She’s so pretty and I want her so bad!” You get the idea.

To her credit, she was not throwing a fit. In fact, to others her behavior may have been “normal” or just a “phase,” but I am trying to teach her to be content with what she has and to not constantly ask for things she does not need. It is a lesson mommy needs to learn too sometimes.

As we walked back to the car I launched into lecture mode. Even though I know this is ineffective, I still do it sometimes. I even pulled the whole, “there are children in the world whose parents cannot buy them toys, and there are even children who do not have parents! You should be thankful for the nice things they have.”

She didn’t believe me. Apparently we need to do more talking about orphans and adoption.

The lecture was ineffective, but when we started driving to our next stop, I decided on a different tactic. “Miss N, tell me 5 things you are thankful for, and one cannot be a toy.” I didn’t even talk about the Barbie or the previous lecture. I think she thought I was changing the subject.

She came up with seven.

And instantly, her attitude, demeanor, and tone of voice changed. We then tried to help Miss M do the activity, but she had some trouble.

After that, the Barbie was forgotten, the foul mood of the morning was fixed, and we had a lovely morning out as a family.

The “Put off, put on” principle taught in the Bible is something I am finding my children struggle to comprehend. I am deciding that my job, as a parent, is to help them do this without actually realizing they are doing it. By asking her what she was thankful for, I was able to change her thinking from what she didn’t have (the Barbie) to what she did have, without any negative speech on my part.

I’m going to have to tuck this one into my bag of tricks.

But, I have to be careful. The other day I was trying to get her to stop thinking about something that Miss M had that she didn’t and how unfair that was, and I told her, “There are plenty of things you have that your sister does not have because you are five and she is two.” This launched into plenty of boasting. “Miss M, I have this bracelet and you-u-u- don’t.” Oops. Perhaps I should have phrased that one differently.

Made Me Smile

2011-07-05T14:23:00.001-07:00

This conversation made me smile. Someone has been listening to the Bible verse songs we have on CD in the van. The context was after looking at a friend's ultrasound pictures on Facebook, and me trying to explain how the ultrasound worked in five-year-old terminology.

Miss N: "Mommy, are you going to have any more babies?"

Mommy: "I don't know, hun, I would like to, but that's really up to God."

Miss N: "Oh, because he has to help you put the baby in your tummy?"

Mommy: "Yep."

Miss N: "Oh, because he FORMS them, He forms the babies, right mommy?"

Mommy: "That's exactly right."

Miss N: "Mom, why are babies all wet when they come out?"

Upon further questioning I figured out that she knew babies were all wet from the picture in her baby book of just after she was born :)

Interesting Findings About Folate

2011-06-30T20:00:00.001-07:00

I recently was offered the opportunity to attend a webinar about prenatal care for one of the companies I work for. Since we are considering hopefully expanding our family at some point in the future, and I have many friends of childbearing age, I thought this was fitting for me to learn about.

Any woman who has been pregnant will attest to the fact that doctors and nurses and midwives all tote the power of folic acid. We are told to take a vitamin containing folic acid before conception and all through our pregnancy. Low levels of folic acid can lead to Neural Tube Defects and premature births, among other complications.

This is not new information. What the webinar brought to light is that folic acid is not a naturally occurring substance, and some people cannot break it down and absorb it properly. This means that they cannot convert it to active folate, the important nutrient for growing babies.

This information is somewhat technical, but basically, some people are not able to convert the folic acid into folate efficiently, simply because the folic acid is not active. For these women, even taking all of the folic acid their doctor prescribes cannot prevent neural tube defects and complications, because the folic acid will not be converted into folate and get to the cells.

Researchers have developed a new produced called Metafolin. This nutrient is much more easily broken down into L-methylfolate, the folate in the cells, because it mimics the naturally occurring folates you would get from your food. This L-methylfolate is 7x more bioavailable to the body than traditional folic acid.

NeevoDHA is a new prenatal supplement created for women who are at risk for low folate levels because of anemia, obesity, or impaired folic acid absorption. It also works well for women who have a history of recurring miscarriage, which can be due to poor folic acid absorption.

I found this to be very interesting information, and wondered how long it will take for medical clinics to pick up on this potentially valuable new supplement. The L-methylfolate in Metafolin is a newly produced option that works as an alternative to traditional folic acid. If the data presented in the webinar is true, and I have no reason to think it is not, it seems that this is a very positive improvement for expectant moms or women who plan to become pregnant.

Disclaimer: I was compensated for attending the webinar and posting my opinion on my blog. I was not compensated based on the positive or negative nature of my review. All opinions expressed were completely my own.

Saying Goodbye

2011-06-26T18:24:00.001-07:00

How do you say goodbye to someone who has changed your life?

I have done this before, I am sure, but it’s never easy. Not the emotional aspect of it, because in this high tech world we are never more than a text or email away, but the words. . . How do you tell someone exactly what they have meant to you in a few short, tear-stained sentences?

I am a writer, not a speaker, although I do like to talk. Yet sometimes my words only flow on virtual paper, not from my mouth. Sometimes, the things I want to say simply do not make it from my mind to my mouth, but they can make it to my fingers.

Today, we bid farewell to our pastor and his wife, launching them into the tumultuous world of deputation as they at the ripe old age of “just became grandparents” head to the mission field. I do not envy them the next few years, yet I am excited for them in the many adventures and tales of God’s provision they are sure to have.

As I hugged Myra this afternoon, words failed me. So here I sit, needing to get these out of my head so I can work.

Pastor and Myra,

You know where we came from when we staggered into your church that warm August day. We were hurting, we were scared, and we were somewhat timid. You and this church welcomed us with open arms. You accepted us for who we were, not what we could do, loved our kids, and let us, no helped us, heal. For that, we will be ever in your debt. Thank you for being there for a couple of hurting "kids."

You have been there to answer questions for parents who love their girls but have no clue what we are doing. You have assured us that we are, in fact, doing a good job.

You were there for us when we went through some very scary times. Bringing babysitters when Tim’s dad was in the hospital, and even driving them home so I didn’t have to wake sleeping kids. Myra, you were there when I was at my darkest hour, holding my hand and telling me it was OK, I did the right thing, and I will see my baby again. I couldn’t have made it through November without you.

You are the first pastor (and wife) my children, or at least my oldest, will remember. And, a part of me is thrilled that they will be able to watch you on this new journey. Those girls love you.

So I say thank you for your ministry in our life. We love you, and you will be missed.

I Met the Perfect Mom

2011-06-21T13:46:00.001-07:00

Ok, before I start this post, let me say that I know. It is unwise to compare yourself to others, God gives you only what you can handle, she is not the mother of my children, etc. In fact, my friend Michelle blogged about a similar idea recently. It's a good read if you are interested. I just need to put this out there to get it out of my head.

Yesterday, I met the perfect mom. Or, perhaps I should say, the mom I want to be. She was slender, but not too slender, her children were dressed in their jammies for sleepytime at the library (I forgot about the jammies) and their hair was perfect, with little golden ringlets. (in contrast my kids looked like they had just woken up and hadn't had a bath in a day or two, both of which were true).

But appearances weren't what made her "perfect." While Miss N was engaged by story time, I was wrestling with Miss M, who doesn't usually sit, and this night was particularity wiggly. I am trying to teach her to sit but sometimes she's just not interested in story time. But sister is, and so we go.

Then I noticed it. The mom's bag of tricks. Miss M noticed it too. It was simple. Just some dollar store notebooks and about three crayons. Miss M wandered over to the table where this mom's toddler was doodling away. She just stood there, watching. The mom graciously handed her a book and a crayon. For a while Miss M was entertained. I was inwardly embarrassed that someone else had the foresight to entertain my toddler, but grateful at the same time that she was willing to share.

During craft time, instead of being flustered by the grabbing that her toddler did, she calmly guided her toddler in making the craft. When she suggested something and the answer was "NO!", it wasn't a big deal.

Then, the ultimate perfection. The librarian was handing something out and the little girl wanted, but did not need, one. She started to cry when the mom took it from her. The librarian was going to offer one, but the mom said, "no, she is fine." and proceeded to scoop up her crying toddler, ignore the behavior, and calmly walk away from the scene of the disappointment.

I was thinking on it - when Miss M starts to throw a fit, I do not react so calmly. It rarely happens in a public place, but when it does, I resort to giving her what she wants to stop the fit and allow Miss N to finish the activity. I know this is wrong, but sometimes I feel my hands are tied.

Of course, "perfect mom" had one advantage over me - her toddler was a "normal" size and younger than Miss M. Having a two year old the size of a five year old makes scooping up the crying toddler physically difficult, especially when she fights being held tooth and nail when upset.

So what do I hope to learn from this? I don't know. I need to be calmer. I need to not let the toddler's fits get to me. I need to understand that it's just a normal part of being two.

But I am not calm when dealing with a screaming child. The fits do get to me. And soon she will not be two, and she needs to somehow learn that this behavior is not appropriate.

There is a lot about this mom that I want to emulate. Being prepared (bag of tricks) wards off fits. Being calm and not giving in calms them faster, and probably limits them in the future.

I do know this. If we happen to meet up at library time again, I am going to introduce myself. Perhaps if we are friends some of her parenting skills will rub off on me.

The Breakup

2011-06-20T06:29:00.000-07:00

I debated long and hard about blogging about this one, but then I decided, the main purpose of this blog is to record our little life, and to have a memory to look back on. This is definitely a memory that will be looked back on, even if things don’t pan out the way a five-year-old girl intends.

This past week was busy beyond belief and my kids were so tired. We did two Bible schools, one in the morning and one at night. Parenting mistake, I think, but they did have fun and Miss N seems to have learned quite a bit from both.

Miss N has a little boy that she goes to school with who also happens to go to our church. In addition to all of that, they both wear glasses, which to her is a big deal. Long ago she deemed “B” as her “boyfriend.” I recall one night when their junior church teacher heard, “If you don’t stop being mean I am NOT going to marry you!” and another time when she didn’t sit by him and he went home crushed and quite upset. She regularly will parrot anything I say about Tim and change it to “B.” For instance, yesterday she asked why me and Tim talk so much, and I said, “Because Daddy is my best friend!” and she turned around and said, “B is my best friend!”

Ah, young love.

Well, Monday of our busy week I was tucking Miss N into bed and she started crying.

“What’s the matter?”

“B said he isn’t my boyfriend anymore. He said he is Lilli’s boyfriend! (sob)”

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry.”

“Mr. Jooooossshhhh did it! He told B to be Lilli’s boyfriend. Why would he do that?” (Mr. Josh is Miss N’s teacher at church and loves to tease the kids. Sometimes she doesn’t quite get that he is teasing.)

“Well, I don’t know honey, he was probably teasing.”

“No, he wasn’t! B believed him!”

“But I do know this. If B is not the boyfriend God wants you to have, He has someone better for you. And I also know that if B is not your boyfriend, he will always be a good friend to you.”

(At this point the level of genuine tears and heartbreak was on par with a junior higher facing her first breakup. I was somewhat floored. I had no idea she was taking this “relationship” so seriously.)

“Mommy, I’m just so sad!”

“I know.”

“Mommy? Can I sleep with his picture?”

“If that will make you feel better, of course you can!”

A few minutes later I went in there to talk to her and see how she was doing and she was still really, really sad.

“Mommy? This picture is making me so sad. Can I sleep with a horsey picture?”

The next morning she was fine, so I didn’t bring it up.

This Sunday apparently they made up and the “relationship” has been restored.

But wow, I had no idea that emotions about a boy could be so strong at this age! Is this a prediction about the future for a mom of two girls? Jeepers! And I must admit, it was hard not to laugh! She was so sad but in many ways it was cracking me up!

Conversations with Miss N

2011-06-17T12:14:00.000-07:00

The other day Miss N came to me and said, "Mommy, sometimes I have scary thoughts at night and I try to pray but it doesn't work. All I can think about is monsters."

I reminded her of the verse, "What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." and we talked about replacing the bad thoughts.

"I think about God and Bri (her friend) and I still think about monsters. I think I have room for three thoughts."

"Ok, so what is another thought you could think about?"

"Horses! God, Bri, and horses!"

She has since quoted that verse several times. I think this lesson is starting to stick. :)

Today

2011-06-08T13:39:00.000-07:00

Today, my baby is on my mind.

Maybe it's because we haven't moved on in the way of successfully having another on the way.

Maybe it's because so many of my friends are preparing to welcome their June or July babies.

Perhaps it's the slew of ultrasounds on Facebook lately.

It could be from the large number of pregnant women I saw at the waterpark.

It could also be the newborns I had the chance to hold a couple of weeks ago.

I'm not sure the reason. I just know that I was due around the beginning of July. And that date is fast approaching. And deep down inside, I am still sad.

Does the sad ever go away?

I am praying that my arms, or at least my belly, are filled with a new babe before the November anniversary rolls around. . . Is that wrong? And what if God says no?

Dear Walmart Shoppers

2011-06-02T04:47:00.001-07:00

I wrote an open letter to Walmart Shoppers. If you think it's good, consider registering with Goodblogs and clicking "it's good" to help me out and get it to the front page where more people can read it!

Parenting with Wisdom, Chapter 3 Part 1

2011-05-31T20:40:00.000-07:00

Here is my first post in Parenting with Wisdom discussing chapter 3. I will need two posts to do justice to this chapter. You can get your copy of this book on Ironwood Camp’s website.

Chapter 3 is about loving your children. Perhaps I have been putting off this summary because it was so convicting to me personally. It can be summed up in this quote:

Children tend to learn the reality of God’s love as they experience the
realities of a parent’s love in concrete ways. To a child, parents are the
tender voice of God calling them by name.

Ouch! How often is my voice calling in a harsh, reprimanding way? Not that reprimands are not warranted, but harshness does not point to God!

So how can we love our children biblically? We are to love them as God loves us,
so the first requirement is knowing God. We must be able to determine how God’s
love looks in practical life circumstances. That requires study of His
character.

After laying this foundation, Mrs. Pryde breaks down God’s love into different categories.

Love Gives

God loved us so much He gave the ultimate sacrifice. Giving unselfishly to our children is not always natural. For some mothers it might be, but I sometimes struggle here.

Mothers who abuse their authority over their children, who expect their children
to cater to their desires and conform to what pleases them, do not love their
children in the biblical sense of the word. Such mothers make decisions for
their children based solely on what is most convenient to them, what will cost
them the least, or what will bring most pleasure to them

I fall into this trap often. In this home it often looks like this: Mommy has tucked in the children for nap or bedtime, and is ready to sit down to work in the few quiet hours I have. One child either has a legitimate need or begins to disobey to get Mommy’s attention. Instead of lovingly attending to the need or dealing with the misbehavior, I lose my temper and show them exactly how much I resent their intrusion on my work hours.

Yikes! I need to beg God to help me love them selflessly!

To withhold what is good and needful is to neglect a child, and this neglect
represents a form of child abuse of the most subtle and destructive kind.

Love is a Choice

This section did not speak to me as much as the other section, perhaps because I already have somewhat of an understanding of this concept. We do not love our children because they are lovely, do things for us, or behave well. We love them in spite of themselves, like God loves us, simply because they are ours.

Love Motivates

This chapter intrigued me because I am struggling to motivate my younger child. Mrs. Pryde sets forth a contrast:

The kindness of a mother, demonstrated by loving acts of mercy and tenderness,
draws children to respond to her and follow her. . . . . Harsh words, tough
gestures of contempt, strict rules, and condemning lectures harden the hearts of
children.

Ouch again!

Love Disciplines

Lest you think this book is all about loving your children with tender words and gestures, she has plenty to say about discipline, but the foundation, love and kindness, must follow through even with discipline. Yet, even while we are loving, we still must train.

Parents who indulge their children’s every whim, or who do not enforce
restraints or discipline in their children’s lives, produce children who are
insecure, self-centered, and rebellious.

Remember the words of Proverbs 13:24: “He that spareth the rod, hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”

Harsh words? Perhaps, but they are God’s words! Discipline is biblical, and it can be carried out in a loving way. I thought this was particularly insightful:

Learning to administer firm and consistent discipline, together with gentleness
and patience, is not something that comes naturally to our human nature. Rather,
it requires us to seek God’s strength, power, and wisdom as we learn how to
master disciplining our children in love.

A great reminder! Of myself, I cannot hope to administer discipline in a spirit of love. I must rely on Christ!

I am going to stop there for this summary. This is about half of Chapter 3. I will return to Chapter 3 hopefully next week if I can stay on track and get these summaries done on time. I know that I, for one, need to meditate on these truths again for a few days.

Family Pictures

2011-05-29T13:45:00.001-07:00

We had family pictures done. You can see a sneak peek here. More to come later in the week!

Today

2011-05-22T05:31:00.000-07:00

I realized the other night that the purpose of this blog - to share "Family News," had gotten lost. So, without further ado, here is how we spent our Saturday. It was a good one!

My favorite local park, a children's farm complete with animals and the best price tag (free) hosted Animal Mania yesterday. I had been planning to go to this for a long time, but waited to tell the girls because, well, weather around here is unpredictable. It was a rainy morning, but not too bad to go, so off we went.

I was a little disappointed when we arrived that although entrance to the event was "free," most of the activities were not. But, tickets weren't too overpriced, so I purchased some. First stop was pony rides. Miss N begged to be able to ride the spotted pony, and Miss M wanted to ride Huckleberry, the tiny white one. Miss N got her wish, and Miss M didn't seem to mind not getting hers. She rode all by herself on Blaze!

After that we checked out the painted horses and Miss N begged me to take pictures. She's very horse crazy. I was impressed by the friesian horses. So pretty.

After that Miss M started begging me to let her see the "Happy Face." She was referring to the clown that was doing face painting. I was surprised she wanted to see it, but off we went. This was as close as she would get: She talked about the "Happy Face" all evening and was afriad she would come to our house. :)

Miss N let her paint her face:

I was surprised by that too.

At that point some friends of ours came and the girls were very happily surprised to see them. We played a few games, then headed up to the animal barn to say hi to all of the animals.

Along the way we did a few projects and crafts

Then finished our morning with another pony ride.

After naps, it was time to get to work helping Daddy with his latest project (a patio expansion).

I swear, these two could spend their entire day outside without fighting once. Bring them inside and it's much, much different.

So, it was a lovely Saturday filled with family time and love. I love Saturdays like that!

Better

2011-05-18T12:42:00.001-07:00

We stayed home today. Started the day in the Word. We played ponies, dress up, and went to the park (yes, in the chilly rain) to play with colored bubbles (more on those later). Kids are napping, I am working, and I am better. We talked about sinful attitudes and mommies who struggle too. We talked about stress and what Mommy should do when she's stressed. Mommy is feeling better. This mommy needed some quality time with her girls.

Tired. . . Does It Ever Get Better?

2011-05-17T18:42:00.000-07:00

I am tired.

Bills are due, work is waiting, but I am tired.

Tired of working all of the time. Tired of trying to find the magical balance between work and mommyhood, oh yeah, and there’s a hubby in there too.

I want to exercise, but there’s rarely time. Yes, rarely time for even 15 minutes of T-Tapp. I want to make healthful meals, but there are rarely sufficient funds. I want to be out of debt, but that requires more work. And work requires time.

I want to be a good mom. I want my kids to feel like I spend quality time with them, really listen to them, love them, want to be around them, but lately I’m not feeling as though I’m doing a good job of that. Their attitudes are showing me that my attitude has been stinky.

Rest assured, I have no visions of being super mom. I just want to be adequate. I just want to be there for my kids.

Take Friday for instance. I have two days per week that I reserve to be full work days, Mondays and Fridays. I NEED those days to stay on top of my workload and bills. Yet, Friday is the class field trip for Miss N. I told myself ages ago that I would make every effort to go to each and every class field trip since I work from home. That is why I work from home. So I am going. So somehow I need to get ahead before Friday.

You see, when you work from home, there is that funny thing: you still have to work. And, on top of that, you have to cook, clean, mother, laundry, feed, etc. every person and animal in your home. Oh, and the bills? Those are usually your responsibility too. After all, you are home and have the time, right?

I don’t know why I am writing this. It’s not going to change anything, and it’s not really even making me feel better. Maybe I want sympathy? I don’t know. I just want to not feel so tired all of the time. It would be lovely to be able to exercise without guilt, have the laundry folded BEFORE someone needs underwear, stay on top of the dishes, have the floors vacuumed at least 2 times per week, you know, that kind of thing. . .

Parenting With Wisdom Chapter 2

2011-05-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

Chapter 2 of Parenting with Wisdom talks about the “secret ingredient” to successful Christian parenting. According to Mrs. Pryde, “Wisdom is the most important element in successful parenting, the secret ingredient rarely mentioned in the many ‘recipes’ for well adjusted, happy children.”

So, again, this chapter helps set the foundation for the book, which is about finding wisdom as a parent.

One of the first points she makes is about relying on human reasoning rather than biblical wisdom when parenting our children. I struggle with this. I often rely on what “experts” say about children rather than looking to the Word. Here’s a good quote:

Christians who would otherwise immediately reject human reasoning as a basis for
making life decisions tend to lose their wariness if someone they hold in high
esteem is doing the reasoning. Because an author holds academic credentials . .
. (etc.) does not eliminate his propensity to error or eradicate sin’s effect on
the human heart.

She draws from Proverbs 24:3 “Through wisdom is a house builded; and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches” to drive home her point. While parenting books can be helpful, unless they are built upon the foundation of seeking wisdom, they are likely to fall short.

So how does one seek wisdom, in particular as it relates towards parenting? By making our primary focus knowing, learning, and applying God’s Word. Doing so gives us the filter through which to view all other parenting advice, as well as the foundation of wisdom that we vitally need to parent our children.

According to the book, parents make decisions on one of three factors:

* Advice of others
* Impulse
* Applying godly principles through wisdom

I, for one, know what camp I want to be in, yet I often struggle with finding the principle that fits the situation.

For instance, we have been dealing with naptime fits with our two-year-old. I have gotten a lot of advice from many parents, yet nothing has worked. Yet, finding a Biblical principle, other than the principle of obedience, which we are trying to enforce, has eluded me for quite some time. So, I have continued to pray, read, and seek. We have found a solution that appears to be working.

Through this situation, I have pondered that, perhaps, God wants to show me that no friend, book, online article, etc. has the answer and I am completely and totally dependent on Him to provide it through the Holy Spirit. Mrs. Pryde puts it like this: “We are wholly dependent on God to give the necessary wisdom and ability to discern His Word and apply it to life’s circumstances in practical ways.”

She also warns in this chapter about pride. In James 4 it clearly says that God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace to the humble. God will resist or appose the proud parent in her desires and attempts to parent her children. That fact is humbling, as I think many times it is easy to fall into the trap of pride when parenting an easy child, like my eldest, and thinking that you have it all figured out. Perhaps that is why God sent me my more challenging cherub second.

The final part of the chapter was a blessing and reprimand to me. It lists several characteristics of a wise mother, and then verses to back them up:

* A wise mother is a happy, pleasant mother to be around.
* A wise mother is blessed of God
* A wise mother is able to understand the Word of God
* A wise mother knows how to influence her family and others for good.
* A wise mother is able to discern good from evil.
* A wise mother understands the love of God and can communicate it to her children.
* A wise mother reaps the future blessings of wisdom.

How do you measure up? I encourage you to go to this book and read the scripture passages attached to these statements. I know for me, it clearly shows areas I am lacking. Rather than try to change those areas on my own, perhaps I need to seek wisdom by spending more time in the Word, and let wisdom and God’s Word do the changing.

So what are your thoughts? How does seeking wisdom look in your home? How do you filter the advice of “experts” and well-meaning friends that you so often hear?

Once again,I cannot more highly recommend this book so you can get the full benefit. You can get your copy on Ironwood Camp’s website.

If you want to read the summary of the first chapter, feel free to click here.

New Blogging Platform

2011-05-11T11:42:00.000-07:00

So, in case you aren't already aware, I have been blogging over at GoodBlogs. Now, I realize I have not explained how you can actually help me earn.

The way GoodBlogs works is you can earn $20 for any post voted to the front page. So far I have three out of five that have done this, so not too shabby. Voting is easy and free, but you do have to sign up. Hitting "like" on fb doesn't help me. To sign up, make an account on GoodBlogs. Make sure you "unclick" the places where it says something about follow up emails unless you want a bunch of emails when people comment after you. Then, to see my work, visit my page there.

Anything you do helps. Votes, comments, Facebook shares, Tweets on Twitter, (all using the button on GoodBlogs) they all help improve my ranking. Now, I have two posts that could really use some more votes. They are:

How a Stranger at the Pool Inspired Me

and

Does Sunscreen Protect Against Media Exposure

Now, I am not going to try to make a "real" living off of Goodblogs. It's simply not feasible, especially when I have other gigs that are certain pay. Yet, if I am going to blog on something on here, I might as well do it on Goodblogs, provided it's not just a family journal type idea, and have the chance of earning income. And, if you are willing to take 5 minutes to help and vote, that would be fabulous!

When Mommy Gets Sick

2011-04-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

hey all,

If you don't mind, head on over to Goodblogs and tell them my post is good or make a comment!

When Mommy Gets Sick.

Thanks! Hoping I feel much better very soon.

Book Reveiw - This Little Prayer of Mine

2011-04-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

I was recently given the chance to review a free copy of This Little Prayer of Mine by Anthony DeStefano and illustrated by Mark Elliott. The book, which was endorsed by the National Day of Prayer, was sent to me to review by WaterBrook Press. You can get your own copy here.

The book is basically a child's prayer. It begins:

I know you're up in heaven, God, and can hear my voice from there. I'm just a
little child. Will you answer my short prayer?"

I felt the book did a good job of addressing the various things that small children would and should pray for, like fears, making right decisions, feeling alone, being naughty, and being sad. It also takes time to thank God for blessings, seasons, friends, and other things. The book reminds children to ask God to help them do right things, love and help others, and be unselfish.

All in all I thought it was a sweet book, but my kids didn't really seem to be attached to it. They haven't asked to read it again, but I will say that they are very into certain genres of books right now, and this one just doesn't fall into those. It doesn't answer any serious questions or delve into any deep theology, but if you enjoy a simple prayer that rhymes and has sweet illustrations and covers topics on the minds of kids, you will probably like this book.

Disclaimer: Other than a free copy of the book, I was not otherwise compensated to make this review, and it contains my true opinions.

Will You Help Me?

2011-04-28T07:14:00.000-07:00

I am trying out a new blogging platform that could actually be income earning. My first post is called But I Wanted My Baby - Would you please check it out and click on the "it's good" button? Thanks!

Parenting with Wisdom Chapter 1

2011-04-27T19:22:00.000-07:00

This is the first chapter summary/review of Parenting with Wisdom by Debi Pryde. I love this book and would encourage you to consider purchasing a copy!

Chapter 1 dissects the difference between good secular parenting and Christian parenting. Have you ever thought about the difference between Christian parents and secular parents? Have you ever considered what defines failure and success as a Christian parent? These are the two questions discussed in this chapter.

Perhaps you think the primary difference is that Christians use corporal punishment, and others do not. If you are a Christian parent and think that is the primary or only difference, you are much mistaken. The difference is not in the methods, although those will likely be different. The difference is in the goal. The goal of Christian parenting is different than the goal of secular parenting. Here it is according to Mrs. Pryde:

The goal of Christian parenting is the goal of our Lord Jesus Christ – to train our children in such ways that they will delight to know the Lord who conforms us to be like Christ and gives us His own character.

This was convicting to me. I will say that, in many ways, my goals have been to produce well behaved little ones who know the Scripture and are saved. But a better goal goes far deeper than that.

This chapter also sets what I feel is the premise for the book, that good and right parenting, according to the Bible, can quickly become cruel and harsh when they are done in the wrong way for the wrong reason.

Finally, she talks about failure. No Christian mother wants to end her parenting years and consider herself a failure, yet many do. According to the book, failure is not seeing your child sin and suffer those consequences. She does not outright say what failure is, but implies that perhaps it is a failure to point that child to a loving relationship with Christ.

(This sort of) failure often occurs when parents focus primarily on rules, correction, punishment, and children’s mistakes rather than giving primary importance to teaching children about God’s love for them, His mercy when they do make mistakes, and His great commandments and available help. . . . . (Proverbs 16:6b ‘by the fear of the Lord men depart from evil’ . . . God puts a major emphasis on learning what is write rather than learning all about evil.

So how can we avoid being a failure? By teaching our children about God and his goodness and faithfulness, teaching them to praise Him and marvel at His strength. By filling our children with these positive facts and truths, we teach them to love God, and that love will eventually create a desire to please Him versus a desire to do right for the selfish reason of avoiding pain.

“It is the first duty of parents to make the Bible precious and the Lord delightful to their children” – This quote really stood out to me! In order for this to be true, WE as moms must find the Bible precious and the Lord delightful. We also must talk about Scripture at positive times, not just when we are dealing with a discipline issue. I have often thought ‘what will my children learn about God when the times I use scripture are only when disciplining?’

Another section of this chapter that really stood out to me was her take on praying for your children’s salvation. She used Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” and John 15:7 “If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will and it shall be done unto you” to come to the conclusion that a parent who is diligently pointing her child towards Christ and praying for his salvation will most likely see that child accept God’s gift of salvation. This was something I had never really thought about before in light of these two passages of scripture, but it made sense to me.

She ends the chapter by giving six foundational responsibilities for Christian parents, which are:

· Love your children (deeply, sacrificially)
· Discipline your children.
· Motivate, build up, and encourage your children.
· Diligently train your children.
· Provide a living example of all you teach for your child.
· Have the utmost concern for the eternal soul of your child.

These six foundational responsibilities are the basis for much of the remaining part of the book.

I feel this summary has not at all done this chapter justice! There were so many tidbits and quotes I simply could not cover. I cannot more highly recommend this book so you can get the full benefit. You can get your copy on Ironwood Camp’s website.

Motivating a Food-Motivated Child

2011-04-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

My littlest one loves to eat.

She loves to eat and isn't too picky either.

She is highly motivated by food.

She will pick candy over any other treat or prize. When we go to chuck-e-cheese, she could have 300 tickets and she will spend them all on candy, not a single other thing.

But, the "experts" all say not to use food as a reward. Now, I am not one to follow what the "experts" say on everything, but I am one who struggles with her weight, so my kids are going to be prone to that too, and I will do what I can to help them not have those struggles. We limit candy in this house (they get one piece per day as their dessert, and occasional treats when given by others like at school or the doctor), mostly because my oldest gets sick if she eats too much.

But here is the dilemma. The little one will do just about anything for a candy. Sometimes, when discipline does not work with her, offering her a reward of an M&M for good behavior does. Nothing but candy treats worked for potty training. She could have cared less about stickers, trinket toys, praise, etc. She just wanted the treat.

My hubby spends less time reading "experts" than I do, and he has offered her rewards (food rewards) for some things. And the thing is, often it works. She is very sad if she looses her candy treat.

So what's a mom to do? I don't want my kid to struggle with being overweight, but there are some things, like the naptime battle, where we are really struggling to find what works with her! Treats work. But offering treats as a reward is a parenting no-no. This mommy is torn!

Book Review Date

2011-04-22T06:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have only had one person say they were interested in the book review/study, but to give you a heads up, I am going to try to have my first post ready on Wednesday, and then do a post every Wednesday until I finish the book.

Please note, if you are curious about this book, it is biblical, which means it does discuss the form of discipline mentioned in Proverbs 22:15. That said, it is full of grace and mercy as well, something that, to me, has been missing in many parenting books I have read with a biblical stand.

If you are not sure what book I am referring to, please see this post. The book is only available through Ironwood Camp, and I am not being compensated in any way for this. I just want the accountability to get it finished and also the discipline of writing down my thoughts, which helps solidify them in my mind.

I Found It!

2011-04-20T11:44:00.000-07:00

My dream home. Chances we will ever be able to move into it are probably zilch - it will be gone long before our debts are paid and we can move. But here it is:

My Dream Home

Sure, it needs new paint and definitely needs to be rid of some nasty walpaper, but look at the character! I LOVE the staircase. New roof too. Fenced in yard. BIG windows. I love it. I love the little town it is in - I have always wanted to live there. It would be midway between church and Tim's work. It says it has a dining room and plumbing for a second bathroom - those are the two things that make this little house difficult for us right now. Even with just two kids, having just one potty often creates a challenge.

At this price, we wouldn't even be increasing our mortgage payemnt, at least not by much.

The biggest problem: We cannot put our home on the market until we take care of some very big issues it has. Houses just aren't moving quickly right now. Too many foreclosures at basement prices. We have a minimum we would need to get for this one to be able to move. Those cost money to fix. So, we are stuck until we have our debts paid off.

I really love this house. Is it crazy to pray about it when we won't be looking at a move for (at least) two years?

What We're Talking About

2011-04-18T18:28:00.000-07:00

This morning when Miss N woke up, she said, "Mommy, I was praying." I asked her what she was praying about. "I was praying that if no one wants to play with me, I will be OK because I am a Christian so I will be ok."

I am still not sure what she meant by being a Christian made it ok. I tried to probe a little but didn't get any real answers, other than that sometimes her friends want to play something she doesn't want to play and don't want to play horses. We talked about strategies she could use to ask them to play or join in what she was playing, and what she could do if she didn't want to play what they were.

That made me think, though, about how often she describes a little girl as her "best friend." This has become rather consistent, and as far as I can tell there is no problem, but I realize that at five years old, it is time to talk about making good friend choices. Even in her class at a great little Christian school, there are some kids who have attitudes I would not want her to copy. I don't believe it is too early to have her start thinking about what makes a good friend.

This was one of the best conversations we have ever had. I asked her, "So-and-so is your best friend. What do you think makes her a good friend?"

I got the typical answer, "She likes to play horses with me."

I went a little further, "Did you know the Bible talks about making wise friends? It says, "He that walks with wise men shall be wise, but a companion of fools will be destroyed." I explained what some of those terms meant, and then I asked her, "What do you think makes a wise friend?"

"Someone who obeys the teacher and doesn't be mean to other people."

"Yes, you are right!" Then I reminded her of a Patch the Pirate CD we have about good friends/bad friends. "You know in the CD about the cat and the pig, were they friends with some of the pirates. But were they good friends? Why not?"

"Well, all they wanted to do was watch TV."

"Is watching TV bad?"

"No."

"Were they kind to the other pirates? Did they listen to the captain?"

"No, a good friend is kind to your friends and listens to your teacher or your captain pirate."

What surprised me was whats she said next. It wouldn't mean anything to you, but she related to a new CD we just purchased and pointed out a character on that one who was not a good friend, and she gave a very good reason.

This is a conversation I plan to continue. I certainly don't want her to think that someone has to not be her friend if they have a bad day and sass the teacher once. I also want her to realize that she must be kind to all of her classmates, but I think it is important for her to think about the fact that God cares about who her best friends are, that they impact her behavior and attitude, and that it is OK to choose friends because they are wise friends, not just because they like to play what you like to play. Although that helps, of course!

The Prayers of a Child

2011-04-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

In about two weeks, we are having Miss N's birthday party. outside.

We had Miss M's birthday party outside (at the same park) in July. It was not only almost rained out, it was almost flooded. We were able to have it, but it was pretty muddy and Tim had to run out to the park to make sure it wasn't flooded before we went.

Miss N is REALLY looking forward to her party. And winter just returned to the midwest, complete with snow.

This morning I told her we need to pray for the weather. I heard her say, "I really want to have nice weather for my birthday party, AMEN!"

I'm scared. I admit it. I know, "Oh me of little faith." But I am scared that the weather will be bad, she won't have a party (and we won't get our money back so having it another day at the park will be a big expense), and then she will wonder why God didn't answer her prayer. Yet, I know God loves children and finds them even more precious than we do, so I know He wants to hear her prayer, even at five years old.

Pray for me, that I will not be worried and will have faith in my great God who made the weather. He answered my prayers for Miss M's party - we had it in spite of torrential rains the week before.

Songs from the Heart

2011-04-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

Most of the time when we are in the car, I have Christian music playing. However, sometimes one of the children will request a quiet ride, and usually I oblige. This usually means the other child will beg for music, so we have been taking turns choosing - one chooses on the way to the destination, and the other choosing on the way home.

Tonight on the way to church we were having a quiet ride. Miss N decided to burst out into song. First she sang "Jesus Loves Me" and "I'm in the Lord's Army." Then she started making up some songs of her own. I wish I had a tape recorder:

Lord, I love you, you are my sa-a-vior. You love me because you told me soooooooo. I am going to Heaven with You. You will baptize me and I will live forever.

Pardon the improper theology there. We are working on that :)

You died for me to save my soul. I love you Lord. And you love meeeeeee.

I can't help but smile during my drive while listening to that. Then she says, "Mommy, are those made-up songs?"

"I think so," I say. "I haven't heard them before."

"Well, they are real songs now because I singed them!"

Book Review - God Gave Us You!

2011-04-14T05:37:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to review an adorable children's picture book called "God Gave Us You!" by Lisa Tawn Bergren and illustrated by Laura J. Bryant.

Little polar bear asks the question every parent expects but dreads "Mommy, where did I come from?" In this sweet story full of a parent's love for her child, Mommy Polar Bear answers the question in a very age appropriate way.

I felt the authors of this book understood the preschool set. There were a lot of "why?" questions that are common for little kids to ask. For instance, Mommy Polar Bear says,

"I felt something different one day. You wanted out!" "I did!" Little Cub asked. "How did you know?" "God gives mama bears special signals. We raced to the hospital."

I thought that was a very truthful, but very age appropriate answer. Actually, I was wishing I had had this book on my shelf when Miss N, my five-year-old, was asking some very similar questions that I was not sure how exactly to best answer in a truthful way without going into too much detail.

In addition to the excellent writing, the illustrations in this book and others in the series are appealing. They are sweet and calming and full of big bear hugs.

This is the second book in this adorable series that we have read. My friend gave us the God Gave Us Two book when I was expecting Miss M to read with Miss N. It was just as sweet and I highly recommend the series.

You can get your copy of God Gave Us You here. In the interest of full disclosure, I was given a free copy of this book to review from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group through their Blogging for Books program. I was not compensated in any other way for this review, and it reflects my personal feelings and impressions of this book.

Coloring = Love

2011-04-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

"Mommy, can we print color pages?" she asks in eager anticipation.

Inwardly, I sigh. I don't feel like doing color pages for the umpteenth time. I am running out of places to post these masterpieces when they are finished. Yet, her hopeful eyes brim with excitement.

Reluctantly, I say, "Yes." and we gather around the computer to find pictures of horses, unicorns, donkeys, cows, and hippos that have not been colored already before.

Then the little one awakes and wants pictures of Minnie, Daisey, Barney, and Elmo. We print. We wait. We collect them off of the printer tray. The entire process takes about 20 minutes. Then we dig out the box of crayons and markers. I make a mental note that our "next house" will have a place to do art rather than the kitchen table.

We spread out our things, throw away the markers that didn't get their caps put back on, and they start working, asking for help with cutting and gluing from time to time, but for the most part entertaining themselves and sharing nicely.

I turn towards dinner, when it hits me. This daily routine, for it happens every day, bores me, yet it brings them so much joy. When they complete a paper and hand it to me, I can see the sense of accomplishment behind those blue eyes, and I lovingly stick it on the refrigerator between the school paper from the day before and the color page from last week. I make antoher mental note to clear off some space after bedtime, taking care to place other trash over the papers so no one's heart is broken.

If this is all it takes for me to let these little girls develop a hobby that keeps them entertained while creating something beautiful, what right do I have to complain inwardly about the sameness of it? While I may tire of the daily routine, it brings them joy, so out of love we will continue.

Soon the interest will be video games and TV shows and calling friends on the telephone. For now, I want to revel in the fact that they want to be with me, create something for me, and use their intellect to make something beautiful. There are far worse ways they could be spending their time! And, as an added bonus, I can participate while cleaning the kitchen! Maybe I don't want that "place" to do art after all.

Naptime Battles Update

2011-04-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in this post that I have been reading an excellent book about parenting with wisdom. One of the things I have taken from this book is that we need to get to the motivation behind our children's behavior, rather than reacting to and/or disciplining the behavior alone.

I think this is very wise. If a child is just being, well, childish, it is not a sinful action and is not something that requires parental attention, other than perhaps redirection.

I have been praying even before reading this book about the naptime battle I blogged about a while ago. It was not getting better. I had discussed with a friend about it and one suggestion she made was wondering whether or not Miss M was getting enough "mommy time." I thought about this for a while and decided that was part of the problem, so I have been making a concerted effort to give her more of this. Yet, it was not helping.

So, the other day when we were in the midst of a fit I was praying and thinking. Suddenly it hit me - is wanting her mommy a sinful motivation? No, it is not. It is normal and natural. Two year olds want their mommies. Her behavior was sinful, because screaming and throwing a fit when you do not get your way is selfish and acting out of anger, but the motivation behind the behavior I could honestly say was not sinful, selfish, or otherwise wrong.

In light of this, I have changed my tactics. Now, as long as she is resting quietly I will sit in her room until she falls asleep. I simply take my book in there or my computer to start working and sit on her floor. Inconvenient? Possibly. Impossible? Nope.

The first several day I have done this she has fallen asleep within 20 minutes with no fight. This also allows me to calmly and carefully redirect her when she starts getting herself all worked up and playing instead of resting. Once I can get her still for five minutes, she falls asleep.

If, however, she is throwing a fit I will not go in there. So, I am giving her what she needs (mommy) while not allowing her to behave in a sinful way (throwing a fit) and even getting my work done (taking computer with me). This seems to be a very workable solution leading to a peaceful naptime in this house once again!

Book Review!

2011-03-31T10:58:00.000-07:00

I am planning to do a book review of an excellent parenting book I am in the midst of reading. It is from Ironwood Camp and is written by Debi Pryde. I have read her books before, but this is my first time reading her book for mothersl, and I know her daughter so I am certain Mrs. Pryde did something right as a mom. The book is titled Parenting with Wisdom and you can purchase it at this link. Here are a few interesting tidbits about the book:

It is written by a mother for mothers. She understands us!

It is FILLED with scripture. Most statements are made after presenting scripture, and those that are her opinion are clearly marked as such. There is none of this "XYZ is what you need to do, thus saith the Lord" unless the Lord really did say so.

It is easy to read and not at all stuffy.

It has case studies that could easily be used as discussion in a Bible study/mom's group type setting.

It recognizes that while dads are vital to the raising of children, much of the true task of parenting falls on the mom's shoulders, and provides mom with careful instruction on how to do her job well.

It provides hope for a mommy struggling with maintaining control at times.

It does NOT require you to let your infant scream for hours on end in order to be a "good parent" - while I do believe letting an older baby cry comes into play at some point, I always balked at the books that recommend doing so with a newborn. I just never quite could do that.

I am already halfway through the book and could start right away, but I was curious if anyone was interested in reading along with me and doing a discussion? If you are, leave a comment and I will wait a couple of weeks to start the study to give you time to get a copy. If not, I will do my own review/summary in an attempt to consolidate my thoughts before they flee. If you do get a copy, have your highlighter ready!

T-Tapp Week 5

2011-03-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

So this was my worst week for inch loss, but still good - 5 1/2 inches. That makes a total of 35 inches! My clothes are fitting better for sure, and I hope for my first SIZE loss this coming month.

It's kind of hard to judge size loss, though, because i think I was refusing to be the size I truly was. So I said I wore a certain size, but probably wore the size above. So who knows. What I do know is I can button shirts I've been wearing as jackets, without a gap. I can sit all day to work in my "skinny" jeans without having to unbutton them, and my family noticed.

We spent the day in the car yesterday which always causes me to be, well, bloated. I also missed one day of exercise because I had a very sore back. so I am happy.

Sometimes

2011-03-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I still think about my baby.

Sometimes I wonder how he or she would have fit into this family.

Sometimes, I wish I were shopping for maternity clothes rather than rejoicing in lost inches through T-Tapp.

Sometimes, when those around me who are pregnant announce their genders, some getting the much-desired gender they do not have, I wonder if that baby was “our boy.” Will I never know the joy of raising a son here on this earth?

Sometimes, I wonder how I will feel when those who got pregnant around the time I did are giving birth.

Yet, sometimes, I am so grateful I am not expecting right now. There has been a lot going on. I am not coping with some of it well. My hands feel full.

And when I feel those feelings, I feel tremendous guilt. How could I be glad my baby is gone?

I never named the baby. I know a lot of women who lose a baby do. For me, because I do not know his/her gender, he/she doesn’t have a name. Then, in a way I feel like I am letting that baby down.

I guess I need to rely in the fact that God knows what I can handle, had something He wanted me to learn or still learn from that experience, and will give us another child if and when He feels it is the right time.

I know for a fact that I have more compassion now than I did before for those struggling with loss or dealing with infertility. While I am not dealing with infertility, I do think I have a slight grasp of some of those emotions. The joy you feel for your friends combined with the intense sadness for yourself, then the thought that you are being selfish.

When I was pregnant with Miss N, my very close friend was also expecting. She ended up losing that baby. I never quite knew what to do – I was heartbroken for her, yet rejoicing for myself. Maybe I can understand her emotions somewhat more than I did before.

Unexpected Fears

2011-03-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, my children surprise me with their fears. I picked up my littlest one from Mom's Day Out the other day to learn that she had had a complete meltdown at lunch time.

The culprit?

"Owls say whoo whoo."

We had heard an owl that morning when getting into the car, and apparently it had scared her, unbeknownst to me. She has talked about that quite a bit since then, and it didn't really stop until I found and showed her a picture of an owl. I don't think she knew what they were.

A couple of nights ago I was putting the girls to bed and we were starting in on the brushing teeth/going potty part of the process. I think I said I was tired or yawned, and Miss N said, "Why are you so tired?"

"I must be getting old," I joked, in the way you can when you are 30 and tired.

She got a horrified look on her face and started to tear up. "Mommy, you are NOT old. I don't want my mommy to be old, You are NOT old."

She ran over and gave me a hug and said, "I love you mommy."

I was touched by this and of course assured her that I was making a joke and am not, in fact "old."

Sometimes, I sit back and look at then and just wonder, what are their precious little minds thinking?