Rambling Thoughts

Sometimes, I feel entirely inadequate as a mom. I mean, I have these two, soon to be three, precious souls who depend on me for so much, and so many times I fall short.

I see the moms on Pinterest, Facebook, blogs who sit on the floor playing for hours on end, no laptops or deadlines in sight I see the spotlessly clean houses and “easy organizational steps” and look around my hopelessly cluttered house, even sometimes dirty house, realizing I will never attain that level of perfection. I read about moms making homemade kefir and sourdough bread from scratch and sigh as I pop a frozen pizza in the oven – again – because the meat for dinner did not thaw fast enough or someone needed an emergency run to urgent care.

But truthfully, those things are superficial. Where I really feel my failure is in the fact that I often do not feel connected to my kids. I am happy when they are playing on their own or napping. I do not long for them to wake up so we can play. I do not burst with creative ideas for engaging games we can do together. I turn on the TV far too often. I do not revel in the chance to play I Spy for the 100^th time. I love them as much as life itself, but I do not always feel like I connect with them.

Then there is work. Work and parenting seem to be in direct conflict with one another. I can be a good writer or I can be a good mom, but some days it does not feel like I can be both. I know what my priority should be, and I try to keep that in mind at all times, yet we need this income. Private school is expensive. Healthy food is expensive. Doctor’s bills are expensive. Mommy has to work.

I do not feel like a good mom. I do not feel like the kind of mom who wears her child on her hip like a badge of honor. In fact, I rarely wear my child on my hip – she weighs nearly 45 pounds and I am pregnant for goodness’ sake!

Yet, when my child gets sick, she wants only one person – mom. Miss M has had pneumonia and then the stomach flu back to back, so she’s had a rough time of it for a few weeks. She’s on the mend now, but she wanted nothing but mom. I sat for hours watching videos on my computer because all she wanted was mom’s touch. I was the one who knew she was not breathing right and needed to see the doctor right now.

It is in those moments when I realize an important truth: I may not do everything perfectly. There are probably many superior moms out there who would do a much better job of raising my kids creatively. But, nothing will ever change the fact that these three precious girls are mine, they need me, and I need them. In this crazy life we live, I will always be their source of comfort. I hope to be their confidant. I pray that they know that even though mommy does work a lot, mommy also loves them dearly, and I will always be here for them, even if I do not play on the floor for hours on end.

25 Weeks

Ok, so I am late this week. It's been CRAZY around here. Doctor's appointments, pneumonia, stomach flu (both Miss M), and work work work have left little time for blogging, let alone energy for it!

Baby News: Got the official word that I have a 7:30 appointment to deliver baby on May 17. I kind of like knowing the day ahead of time. I am such a planner!

How far along? 25 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Kids are not sleeping means mommy is not sleeping.

Best moment this week: The girls got to see my belly dancing. That's still pretty rare at this stage but they got to see it. Miss M is fascinated by where the baby's parts are and asks me all the time where her head, feet, ears, etc. are. I was glad to have had a scan Monday so I knew the answer. I know where the baby is (in my belly) but I am not good at figuring out positions.

Movement: Still very active.

Gender: Confirmed Monday that she is for sure female.

Labor Signs: Nope

What I miss: Sleep.

What I am looking forward to: ?

Weekly Wisdom: ? It's been survival mode this week.

Milestones: Definitely in viability mode!

Complications Update: So, I had a growth scan Monday and she is "on track" the nurse said. She was clearly sucking her hands/thumb and that was so sweet. I also had a more complex test this week to test for proteins and sugars in my urine, and that came back clear. So, all in all, things are where they should be! Yeah!

It's All About the Attitude

Up until about a year ago, discipline was fairly straightforward in this house. The child disobeyed, there was a consequence. The child obeyed, there was praise. Simple as that.

Now, it's all about the attitude. We get obedience, but it's with a tossed head, rolled eye, and a "FINE!" The sass is quite impressive, actually.

I know this is not biblical obedience, yet I struggle with the proper way to address the behavior. We have prayed, we have had heart to heart discussions, and we have been firm, but it is not making any headway. If anything, the problem is getting worse.
Ignoring it does not work either, as it just gets louder and more persistent.
Any seasoned mommies found a way to deal with attitude?

Miss M Funnies

It's been a while since I have recorded some of the funny things my kiddos have said. Miss M is definitely in that stage at 3 1/2.

One of the cutest things she says is "bless you." Not when someone sneezes to be polite, but rather that is what she calls the sneeze. We were talking the other morning about covering our coughs, and she says, "And your bless yous?"

Part of what makes a conversation with Miss M so entertaining is the way she talks. She still doesn't quite have her pronouns right, and she has a very distinct way of saying things that is just her way.

The other day sister got her first behavior mark in school. She has been very proud of not getting any behavior marks, and she is so much like me I thought it would be devestating to her when it did happen, so I was very surprised she hadn't said anything to me. So, I asked about it. This was the conversation that followed:

Mommy: It says here you lost a snowflake. What happened?
Miss N: I was talking.
Mommy: Oh, I see.
Miss M: Natee, you need somefing, you raise your hand
Miss N: I didn't need something, I just couldn't hold it in!
Miss M: You talk out?
Miss N: Yeah, I talked out. I tried not to but it just happened! (she is very chatty so I am surprised she went this long without this problem!)
Miss M: You no talk out, my teacher say that. That naughty.

Ok, maybe it was only funny to me, but I was cracking up.

A few months ago we got this gem:

Miss M: Mommy, I's gots a best friend!
Mommy: Really? What's her name?
Miss M: Um, hers name is, I don't know!

She is very curious about the baby. From time to time she will look at me and say, "Yous gots a baby in your belly. Why yous gots a baby in there?"

She was, and sometimes still is, my challenging child in many ways, but she is so funny. I love her to pieces.

24 weeks

Baby News: My c-section has been officially scheduled for May 17, provided we can keep all complications at bay. So mark your calendars - ha!

How far along? 24 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep. And some are starting to not cover my belly. Sigh, the joys of having a long torso while pregnant.

Sleep: Lots lots better. Not sure what the insomnia was all about but I am glad it is gone.

Best moment this week: Swelling went away!!!!!

Movement: Still very active.

Gender: She's a girl!

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Nothing really this week.

What I am looking forward to: Picking a name. We need to get on this.

Weekly Wisdom: Sometimes, it is best not to rush to the doctor when your kid is sick, no matter how hard it is!

Milestones: In the most technical sense of the word, I believe we are now considered viable.

Complications Update: So, the doctor upped my prescription again at my last appointment. It took me a few days to remember to take it properly, but then I started feeling incredibly dizzy. If I stood up, I would nearly pass out, yet when I took my bp it was normal. After a few days of this and one really bad day I called them and they are lowering the dose. At my appt. yesterday it was only 110/70, which is really low for me, even on the lower dose. Part of me wants to lower it again for myself, but I don't have confidence to do this without the doctor's oversight. I hate all of this playing with meds - my baby's life is dependent on getting this right! Waiting for another high-risk scan soon and another test this week to make sure my liver/kidneys are working properly.

23 weeks

How far along? 23 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Slept on the couch for the first time ever. The dog was sooooo loud and I couldn't make her be quiet without waking Tim, who had already gotten up to let her out once, so I just went to the couch.

Best moment this week: My sweet big girl wrapping her arms around me when I was sobbing on the couch about a cut up check.

Movement: She's an active little thing, but is nice to her momma at night so far. Miss M would kick me all night long! I don't remember about Miss N.

Gender: She's a girl!

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Walking without hip pain. Not having swollen feet.

What I am looking forward to: Reaching viability. I think I will feel so much better!

Weekly Wisdom: If your child cuts up a huge check, the bank can reissue one, and maybe even without fees. If you receive a huge check from a client, the piano is not the place to set it. Even though your child never touches the mail and knows she is not to touch the mail, she will find it. The top of the refrigerator sounds like a safe place.

Milestones: Getting mostly over the anxiety issue (I hope!)

Complications Update: I guess I will add this category since I know there are a few of you who care. My doctor had to change my bp medication this week. It has times throughout the day where it spikes too high. Now I feel like I am on soooo much medication. She is not thrilled that I am swelling this early, so next week we do another test to make sure I am not dumping any proteins. I am also supposed to get another ultrasound at the high risk place to check growth and placenta health, I am assuming. Over all, I feel pretty good, but I am starting to feel more and more strongly that we will not make it all the way to May. Because of this, I am trying to figure out the best way to broach this subject with my brand new clients. Not an easy thing!

Be Still My Anxious Heart

The Internet can be a scary place, and of necessity due to my work I spend a lot of time on it. When I was first pregnant with this baby I came across post after post where a seemingly healthy pregnancy and baby died at 12-19 weeks. Even Michelle Dugger lost her baby late in her pregnancy. It freaked me out, even though I know I have very little in common with her.

I am feeling pretty confident all will be well as we inch closer to viability. At this point, even if I got really, really sick, they could probably use drugs to keep her inside for a couple more weeks. That is worst case scenario of course, but it helps put my mind at ease.

During this pregnancy I have struggled with anxiety more than ever before, with the exception of my battle with depression after I had Miss N. I blame hormones, drugs, and a host of other things, but it is a very real issue and something I am struggling with.

Now, I am starting to feel anxious about how I will manage with a newborn. Of course, the Internet is not helping. I was reading a blog that is normally very funny and uplifting, and turns out she just brought home a newborn. And she is struggling. A lot. With anxiety, anxiousness, and the inability to "do it all." I find that panic feeling in my chest and the wonder of, "will that be me?"

I am concerned about summer. I want the girls to have fun, have playdates, enjoy themselves. The waterpark is out with a newborn, and most of their school friends have working moms, so that kills the option for playdates with school friends. With a newborn I am not sure how much getting out I will be wanting to do, but they are going to need some activity. They don't do well cooped up at home day in and day out. And truthfully, neither does mommy.

I am so thankful for this baby. Yet, there are days, like yesterday when my youngest decided to cut up a rather substantial check from a client, sending me into a panic attack, when I wonder what on earth we were thinking and what I have gotten myself into. I barely keep my head above water with the two fairly self-sufficient kids I have. Why on earth did I think I could add a newborn to the mix?

There is one thing I know, though, and that is that God will not give us more than we can bear. Because of this, I will just keep doing the next thing, and trust that He will give me the strength to make it through the tough newborn days with grace. The toilet my not get cleaned weekly, but I trust my family will be fed and loved. And for today, I am going to spend a little time in the Word before I start my busy morning. That, I think, is the best way to deal with anxiety.