About Me

I am a proud wife and mother, and a born again Christian. I work from home as a writer while taking care of Miss N, our six-year-old, Miss M, our four-year-old and Miss C, our newest bundle of joy. Life is crazy but so much fun!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Refreshing Holiday

What a refreshing Thanksgiving we had! We traveled to KC to be with my family, including my brother and his fiance, my dad's parents, and my mom's mom. There were 11 total people for Thanksgiving dinner! My girls were so well behaved, they adored Jen (Joey's fiance) and I felt like we really got to relax. I took minimal work with me so it was great!

I am thankful we had the chance to get to know Joey's fiance a little better, as we likely will not see them again until the July wedding. The girls are so excited about being flower girls!

(this picture cracks me up - we were playing Mad Gab)

While we were there we went to Crown Center. Miss N saw a sign for Seussical, a musical dedicated to Dr. Seuss. She asked if we could go, and we found out that the Saturday performance would gain us one free ticket. We got the tickets and I am so glad we did (thanks mom and dad)! It was adorable. This play (I think there are more than one) was based on the Horton books (Horton Hears a Who and Horton Hatches an Egg). Both girls loved it, and I keep hearing Miss N singing, "A person's a person, no matter how small." That has to be my favorite Seuss quote of all time! It was N's favorite part of the whole trip. I grew up on Dr. Seuss and assumed every kid did, but I am finding that is not the case. The older I get, the more thankful I become for my childhood and my parents.

The girls really latched onto Jen, which was wonderful! They had to be near her at all times. I hope she was not overwhelmed by their clinginess! Miss M was a little under the weather but we managed to avoid the ER - Yeah for us!

Now we are home, mostly unpacked, and looking forward to setting up our Christmas tree! I am so excited for Christmas time - it is so much more fun when you have kids to share the magic with!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Family Traditions

When I was five years old we moved completely across the country from California to Massachusetts. All of our family was in California. For the first time ever, it was just us.

Holiday traditions had to be just our little nuclear family. We didn't know other people to invite into our home to share the day with us when we first moved. It was just us.

My mom was amazing at creating traditions. We watched parades, ate certain things, read certain stories, decorated our home with our preschool artwork, set up the tree after Thanksgiving and pulled it down before my birthday in January. She really had a knack for making things special.

Sometimes, I think I have failed my own children in this regard. It's not that I don't want to have traditions, it's just that holidays are spent bouncing back and forth between different family's homes. It is hard to bring traditions with you when you are spending Christmas in Missouri or when Christmas schedules are dictated by your nearby family.

Last year our Thanksgiving plans were thrown off by the loss of the baby and the fact that I was not allowed to leave home until they were sure the procedure had worked. This year is our year to be home for Christmas, but our local family cannot get together.

The past two years i have had the "just us" time I have been craving. And you know what's funny? I had no idea what to do with it! For Thanksgiving I was not up to cooking a big meal my kids would refuse to eat, so we went to a buffet where Tim and I could get turkey and the girls could get what they liked. This year Christmas is on a Sunday so we will spend it worshiping with our beloved church family.

Yet, somehow, I want to carve in some traditions, those things my girls will look back on and say, "Remember how we always did xyz?"

I am starting small. For Christmas, starting December 1, we will unwrap one book from under the tree and read it. They are Christmas themed books. It is a fun tradition to help us count down to Christmas, and it can go on the road the years we travel. I am also trying to start a tradition of making homemade cinnamon rolls Christmas morning. Not something I would spend the time or money on normally, so hopefully it will be special to them.We also try to decorate gingerbread houses at least once in the season, although that didn't happen last year.

What other easy-to-travel, flexible traditions do you have? I know I am not the only mom of little ones who goes to grandma's for Christmas. In fact, I am learning that our isolation of having holidays "just us" is somewhat unusual. Most people have time with extended family this time of the year, and it is a good thing. Yet, I want some fond memories of "just us" for my girls to look back on. And in order to do that, I need to be purposeful.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

13 weeks

How far along? 13 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Crazy, crazy dreams. Last night I dreamed that my SIL was adopting a baby, and I found out in her annual Christmas letter. I told Tim and he said, "I know, I've known for five weeks." I was so livid that I started screaming, crying, and hitting him. I was mad that he kept a secret from me.

Best moment this week: Going almost the whole week without needing a nap.

Movement: Too early

Gender: Unknown. I think I have come to peace with either way, honestly. I just wish people would stop pushing me with "I bet you are hoping for a boy!" Makes it hard to stay focused on being content with a healthy baby, regardless of gender.

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Not having to eat constantly.

What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving trip to visit family

Weekly Wisdom: Praying in the morning, even just for 5 minutes, focuses my mind and helps me be much more patient with my kids.

Milestones: Depending on where you look, I am in the magical second trimester!

Laughing at the Dinner Table

Last night I was laughing so hard I nearly snorted my roll!

Before I get into the story, here is a little setup. We have one child who is particularly interested in saying the word "poopie." I decided I did not want her saying this word all of the time, so I have tried to be consistent in saying that it is a word to be used in the bathroom.

Last night this child had to use the bathroom during dinner. If you have been to our house then you know that we can see the bathroom from our dinner table. She went in and was sitting on the potty proudly proclaiming "poopie! poopie! poopie!" Daddy told her she needed to finish and come back to the table and stop saying poopie, to which she replied "But I in the bafroom, so it OK say poopie!"

Then, she shut the door. "You can't see me! Poopie! Poopie! Poooooooopeeeeeeeee!"

She continued to say the beloved word and giggle her head off for about 10 minutes. Meanwhile, we were all, big sister included, cracking up. Who knew a forbidden word could be so much fun!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

On Being Pro-Life

I am pro-life. I believe that opting to kill your baby in the womb is murder. While I do not believe that to be any “worse” of a sin than, say, lying in the eyes of God, it is still wrong.

Yet, I allowed the doctor to kill my baby.

Honestly, I still feel guilt about that. Growing up, all of the pro-life discussions and sermons I heard would ridicule laws that said, “except for cases to save the life of the mother.” I believed with my entire being that God was the only one who had a right to decide whether the mom or the baby should live. I believed, and still do, that moms who choose not to pursue cancer treatment, for instance, in order to save their baby’s life did the right thing.

But what about a situation where God decides the baby cannot live simply by where the baby implants? What about an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy? This is a situation where the ending the pregnancy is necessary to preserve the life and future fertility of the mother. If the situation is caught early, like it was for me, the growth fo the baby can be stopped chemically. If it is caught too late, then nature takes its course and the baby explodes inside the mother, rupturing her tube and potentially killing her while almost certainly killing the baby. Either way, the baby dies.

While I still feel some guilt, I have come to peace with the fact that we did the right thing. Jeopardizing my life would not have given my baby a chance. My baby had no chance. Saving my life was the right and moral thing to do. I appreciated having a pastor who confirmed to us what we felt in our hearts and what our (pro-life) doctor told us. We did nothing wrong.

Yet, in my desperation to find someone who was pro-life and agreeing with me after last November, I spent time on Google. All I found was articles condemning me for having an “abortion” and not leaving my life in God’s hands. For an already heartbroken momma, that was the most painful little bit of “advice.”

This experience has caused me to change ever so slightly in the way I view the pro-life issue. I am still pro-life. After seeing my perfectly formed baby with its tiny hands and feet at just 12 weeks gestation, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is a person. Yet, I also believe that it is not always so cut and dried as preachers and advocates want to make it seem.

Are there other “save the life of the mother” situations where a viable baby would be killed? I am sure there are, although at this point I am not sure what they would be. But for my situation, my baby could not have lived. That part of the discussion is almost always left out on these pro-life issues. Even the recent “personhood” bill in Mississippi did not have it in there, although in later press releases the proponents claimed ectopic pregnancy treatment would be preserved. But, it gave me pause to consider whether I would be able to vote for a similar bill should it come to my state (not that it would happen in Illinois).

Perhaps we can be strongly pro-life without being so dogmatic about the rarest of situations. You cannot know what someone else experiences until you walk in his or her shoes. You cannot know all of the details of any situation until you have been there.

One Year Ago

One year ago . . . .

. . . I sat in the doctor’s office, breathlessly waiting in hopes they would give me an ultrasound to see my unborn child for the first time.

. . . I winced in pain as she did the exam.

. . . I heard the words, “I just don’t see anything.”

. . . I was assured it was probably too early, but I knew better.

. . . The suggestion that maybe I was having twins, one viable one not, was presented.

. . . I left the doctor’s office confused, scared, and unsure of where to turn.

. . . I began a process of waiting, hoping, and praying.

. . . I loved my baby as much as I could as I waited.

A year and three days ago . . .

. . . I received a phone call that shook me to my core.

. . . I sat in a hospital room waiting to sign permission to kill my baby.

. . . I received a dose of chemotherapy.

. . . I desperately asked God “why?” but felt no answer.

. . . I dropped my kids off with friends for a pre-arranged sleepover. SO thankful for that time. Little did we know when we made the plans what the day would be bringing, but God knew.

. . . I completely lost it on the drive home, barely making it home safely.

. . . I curled up on the couch in the fetal position feeling like the worst mother on the planet. I signed permission for them to kill my baby. And I claim to be pro life. I cannot count how many times I was told growing up that you cannot terminate a pregnancy to save the life of the mother, and that is exactly what I had just allowed to happen. The guilt was intense. So thankful for a friend who came to pull me out of that.

. . . I went on a preplanned date with my husband, ate the most horribly calorie packed item on the menu, and simply didn’t care.

. . . We watched MegaMind. I will never watch that movie again.

. . . I went to bed, knowing I had made a decision I would live with for the rest of my life, and still wondering if it was the right thing to do.

Today

. . . I remember the baby I wanted and lost.

. . . I praise God for the friendships that carried me through the past year. I am so blessed to have a few people in my life who truly understand and accept the fact that, regardless of how much time has passed, this event has changed me.

. . . I rejoice in the new life growing inside of me, a life that would not be here had November not occurred as it did one year ago.

. . . I can say even though I still do not understand that my God is good, has never ceased to be good, and has a perfect plan.

. . . I still wonder if I will ever fully understand


If you know someone who has lost a baby, no matter how early they were, the anniversaries are hard. It is especially hard if they had something active to do with the loss. I do not know if it gets easier with time, because this is the first anniversary for me, but the due date, the date of the loss, and even the date they found out they were pregnant are burned into their minds, and it is not easy to forget. One of the best things you can do is remember with them. Today, I remember our baby, and rejoice that I will someday see my child again.

If you are one of the friends who held me while I cried, offered your love and support, and remembered with me, you know who you are. Thank you is not enough. But it’s what I can say. You will forever mean the world to me, and I only hope I can offer similar help to someone else at another time.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Watch Your Language!

This is a general service announcement.

If you are the type of person who feels it is OK to use vulgar words in public, including f-bombs and such, you have a responsibility to determine whether or not there are small children standing directly next to you before you do.

If you decide to drop an f-bomb and those children happen to be mine, I will say something.

This momma does not appreciate hearing people curse around my babies.

I do not care if someone dented your car. I do not care if you are angry. I do not care. They are innocent children and you have no business talking like that in front of them.

Thank you,

Upset momma.

(I cannot believe how many people have no qualms about swearing in front of their children. It makes me so sad. However, should you choose to swear in front of mine, I will stand up for them.)

Friday, November 11, 2011

12 Week Appointment

Ok, you all know how scared I was that there would be bad news today. Amazingly, I was very calm when the time came for today. All day I was calm.

At my appointment, my bp was up. Not sure if it was because I was nervous or what, but my doctor seemed a little concerned and said, "We wll have to keep an eye on this." It was 134/78, which isn't that bad, right?

The weight check was great! I only gained half a pound in four weeks! That is a total of 4 pounds the entire pregnancy so far. I am very happy with this. I tend to gain a lot early on. Maybe my inability to eat sweets is helping!

The doctor told me right away that she was going to try to hear the heartbeat, but that it might not be possible yet. She was not able to hear it. Again, I was amazingly calm. I think having the girls there was a good distraction.

So, I had an ultrasound. I don't think I have seen any of my babies at 12 weeks. It was amazing. There were little feet and arms. Miss N thought it was pretty cool. The heartrate was in the 150s. Here is the picture.
The baby was moving a bit too. I loved seeing the baby, and was amazed at how unscared I felt. All in all it was a good appointment. I have a great doctor too - she came to check on me and see how the scan was going during the scan, and totally understood my desire to schedule the c-section so I could be at Miss N's kindergarten graduation. I really like my doctor. Now, I am at the "safe" zone and finally feel like I can relax!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

12 Weeks

Well, I Was going to wait until tomorrow and what WILL be a good doctor's visit, but I had some extra time today so here is my update! I cannot believe I am now 3 months pregnant, and I also cannot believe so many women wait this long to tell their news!

I am taking the girls to my appointment tomorrow. I could drop them somewhere, but it woudl be very inconvenient with a 4:00 appointment, and, well, their presence or lack of presence will not change the outcome of my appointment. I have no reason at all to think anything is wrong, so I am going to embrace faith and take them along.

How far along?
12 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Definitely not the best this week.

Best moment this week: Enjoying some time on the old treadmill.

Movement: Too early

Gender: Unknown

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Being able to walk without getting winded. I really think it's too early for this but others have said they experienced it early. I still plan to ask about it. . .

What I am looking forward to: Appointment TOMORROW!

Weekly Wisdom: No amount of worry can change the outcome of this pregnancy.

Milestones: I'm Three months pregnant!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Again?

I was just reading a blog post from a friend who has had two recent miscarriages, and was reading the encouraging comments from her readers. Yet again, I found in one of those comments someone who had seen the heartbeat from their baby at 6 and 8 weeks, then had the baby die at 12 weeks. This makes the third or fourth similar story I have read in the last week. Is God trying to tell me something, or is Satan trying to get in my head? I am not looking for these stories, but they keep finding me! Friday's appointment cannot come soon enough! Please, keep praying for our little baby.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

I Need to Get on the Computer

So, last night we were cleaning up, and afterwards the girls were wrestling downstairs. Miss N said, "Hang on, I need to get on the computer for a minute. I need to write 10 articles." She sat down at her computer and typed a bit then went back to playing.

At first I smiled. This is what mommy does, and she was mimicking mommy.

Then I worried (surprised?). Do I work too much? Was she saying that mommy is always working?

This balance is so hard. I want to be a good mom - the best mom. But i have to work. I try to work when they are sleeping and do not need me, but as they get older this is not always possible. Sometimes, I have to work while they self entertain. And, to be honest, I don't think that is bad. I don't remember my mom sitting on the floor playing with me constantly. I was playing with the neighbor girl, making mud pies outside, riding my bike, doing art. Since we don't have a neighbor girl to play with, my girls have each other. And that's OK.

But sometimes, the guilt that comes from being a work at home mom is hard to overcome. It's hard to separate the work from the family responsibilities. And I often am left to wonder if I am doing it right.

I am thinking ahead to summer. No school, an infant, and way less work time. Staying up later won't be an option with the lack of sleep. So, do I put them in daycare a few days a week? Bringing a babysitter here and going somewhere else to work won't really work with a nursing infant, and quite frankly I am not going to put a brand new baby in a daycare or babysitter situation. I need to be here to work and care for the baby. Putting them in daycare at their school is an option, but then we would not save any money on tuition through the summer.

So, that is what is on my mind. Guess it is time to think some things through.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Today




This is a bit of a hodgepodge post.

Today. . .

My children got up from quite time, watched a short video, then played dollhouse. Dollhouse consisted of of setting up scenes and taking pictures of them using their kid tough camera.

My oldest helped me pick up toys with a happy spirit, willingly asking, "what should I pick up next mom?"

We went outside to get some fresh air. I contemplated how far I want them to be able to go - if they can only ride their bikes in the driveway, how will they learn?

We came inside and they sat and colored and played with stickers while I fixed supper.

Now, they have sheet music out and are singing along with a Sunday School songs CD. They think they are reading music.

These are the things I want to remember on my blog.

Miss N is learning so much in kindergarten and loving every minute of it! Every day she is more than happy to show me what she has learned. I love it! I am not really sure who her "best friends" are going to be. It seems she plays with just about everyone. Where on earth are we going to have her birthday party?

Miss M is also learning a lot. I hear she is very quiet at school, but she comes home singing all sorts of songs about letters and numbers. She has learned how to write "A," "E," and "F." Interestingly, her behavior at home has improved tremendously since she started school. I really struggled with putting her in K3 because I did not with Miss N, but it was the right decision. She loves it and is doing great!

I am so thankful for their teachers. I can tell that both of them love my girls. It makes me so happy to send them to a school where their individual personalities are appreciated and cultivated. I was worried about Miss M because she can be a handful and you have to really appreciate her, but her teacher does. I love it!

Miss N funnies:

The other night we were talking about something and the name of a friend from church came up. This gal has a daughter who is newly in college. Miss M asked who she was, and I said, "She is so and so's mommy." Miss N piped up and said, "No, she's not her mommy anymore because she went to college."

Miss M Funnies:

This morning I was leaving and Miss M wanted to know where I was going. I told her I was going to the chiropractor. She likes going ot the chiropractor because she gets a sticker and an organic lollipop when she is done. She instantly grabbed her lower back and said, "My back huwts so bad!" She didn't fool me, she just got adjusted a few days ago :)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

11 Weeks

OK, blogfriends, I am going to be honest. I am starting to get worried again. I mean, it's been three weeks since i have seen/heard the baby. And, not at all intentionally, but in my working and surfing lately I have read about at least three women who saw the heartbeat at 6-7 weeks, then had the baby die. I have no reason to think anything is wrong, but I am scared! I wish I had a different personality and could just let whatever will be, well, be. I have an appointment on the 11th. This many weeks between appointments is torture!

So, anyways, here is the 11 week update.

How far along? 11 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep. Tim vetoed an outfit tonight because he said it made me look 30 weeks pregnant. Oye.

Sleep: Not too bad.

Best moment this week: Eating a tiny bit of chocolate and not getting sick!

Movement: Too early

Gender: Unknown

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss : Having a neck that does not ache.

What I am looking forward to: Appointment next week.

Weekly Wisdom:
As worried and scared as I feel, the act of worrying does nothing to change anything. I need to give it over to the One who can control the outcome of this pregnancy. That is not so easy for me!

Milestones: Starting to feel less sick.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Best of Friends


My two girls really are the best of friends, and I love it! We have our moments (don't all siblings?) but if you get right down to it, they love each other deeply.

On Saturday we were playing in the leaves. The first time Tim threw N in, she sunk down past her head. She thought it was hilarious, but M was so upset about losing her sister! I thought it was so sweet how concerned she was.

Sunday night N was not feeling well so we let her stay home. I had nursery duty in the morning service so I took M to church so I could hear some preaching, and Tim stayed home with N so she could rest. When we got home the first thing M did was run to her sister for a big hug!

This morning after everyone got up and got the grumpies from first thing in the morning out of the way, they went skipping down the hall holding hands to help each other pick out fits.

I love moments like this! I remember wishing for boys, with both of my pregnancies, but I am so thrilled to be raising sisters and best friends!

M recently asked me where the baby was going to sleep, and I explained that N and M would be moving into N's room with bunk beds, and the baby would sleep in the nursery. Neither one was excited about this. Normally I would worry, and I am thinking the first few days or weeks of the transition will be tough, but honestly, I think this will be really good for them!