Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Maternity clothes? Yep. And starting to outgrow some :(
Sleep: Sleeping HARD. Tim even heard one of the kids before I did this week.
Best moment this week: Last night I was working and just happened to have my hand on my belly. I felt a definite elbow or knee (I'm thinking elbow unless she flipped from her last ultrasound) rub across my belly. I don't remember ever feeling that before.
Movement: Still very active. Seems to be the most active from about 7 until 9. Not keeping me up with movement though.
Milestones: Definitely movement can be felt from the outside now.
Labor Signs: Nope
What I miss: Being able to walk without waddling. The hip pain is in full swing. Oye.
What I am looking forward to: Getting new floors this week!!!!
Weekly Wisdom: Mommy is much more plesant when the dogs do not sleep in the master bedroom. Just sayin'.
Complications Update: Nothing new to report. Everything seems on track, swelling is minimal, and I have the Gestational diabetes test Friday. Curious about that one as I am definitely having issues if I don't get enough protein and get too much sugar.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Yet I find myself fearful. It is time to start preparing for this baby. I mean, she is coming in less than 12 weeks max, and it takes time to redo things around the house when you have little ones underfoot. But, the "what if" thoughts are overwhelming.
What if we are doing all of this and we are not able to keep this baby. What if my bp goes crazy, the placenta dies, and she dies. What if. . .
I am sure many pregnant moms feel these thoughts, but I don't remember having them with either of my other girls. This time is still different. The loss makes it different. The Reality that sometimes, things do not go as planned makes it different.
She will have quiet, still periods, which I do know is normal, and I will get fearful. I will reach for some sugar or jiggle my belly to try to wake her up and get her to move. She usually obliges. Sometimes I will pray for a little, reassuring kick. She usually obliges. But, I wish I wasn't so fearful. I was reading online the other day about someone who lost a baby due to a chord accident at 27 weeks. I was reminded we are never truly "out of the woods." That is scary.
I do feel better being in viability zone. I do feel better with how stable everything seems right now. Yet, I wonder if it is ever possible to really, truly relax when you are expecting a rainbow baby?
This I know. My God is in control. He is trustworthy. He has blessed recently in ways I can never possibly hope to explain. His word says, "What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee." This is a verse I share with N quite often. It is a verse I am clinging to now.
Friday, February 24, 2012
I have been waiting anxiously for the chance to carry on that legacy with my own children. We have read to them since they were old enough to enjoy it, but reading Mr. Brown Can Moo for the umpteenth time is not the same as progressing through a novel with your child.
Miss N, who is almost six, is finally ready. She has shown some interest in chapter books for a while, so we tried one about a puppy who ran away from home. Even with the interruptions of Christmas, she liked the story and was able to remember from session to session.
But now. Now I get to share true literature with my child. Together, we have cracked open the pages of one of my all time favorite stories: Misty of Chincoteague.
My girl is perhaps as horse crazy as I was as an older child. She loves everything about horses, so this book is perfect.
So far we are just two chapters in, basically to the introduction. We have not met the kids yet. We have not met the Phantom yet. And we certainly have not met Misty, but I am thrilled. I cannot wait to delve into this book with my girl and experience the magic of the friendly filly through her eyes for the first time.
Next up: The Chronicles of Narnia.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
How far along? 27 weeks
Maternity clothes? Yep. And starting to outgrow some :(
Sleep: Starting to get a bit uncomfy.
Best moment this week: At the funeral yesterday, our niece played a violin solo. This baby does not respond to music the way her sisters did, but she went nuts when the violin was playing. She settled right down as soon as it stopped, too. Interesting.
Movement: Still very active. It is not bothering me, but I do find it interesting that my doctor has commented on how active she is at my last two appointments. So, I am thinking she will take after her younger older sister rather than her oldest sister. . .
Labor Signs: Nope
What I miss: Sleep. Chalk it up to the dogs again this time, not sick kids, but it's been a while.
What I am looking forward to: Having my mom and MIL at my next ultrasound in early March.
Weekly Wisdom: Be careful what you discuss at my OB's office. The walls are paper thin. I had a very interesting time yesterday listening to another patient's appointment the next room over. Makes me wonder what other people overheard about me, especially when we had the tubal.
Milestones: No new ones to report.
Complications Update: Everything seems OK. The dizziness I was having was likely due to the pending stomach flu rather than blood pressure.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Sometimes, I feel entirely inadequate as a mom. I mean, I have these two, soon to be three, precious souls who depend on me for so much, and so many times I fall short.
I see the moms on Pinterest, Facebook, blogs who sit on the floor playing for hours on end, no laptops or deadlines in sight I see the spotlessly clean houses and “easy organizational steps” and look around my hopelessly cluttered house, even sometimes dirty house, realizing I will never attain that level of perfection. I read about moms making homemade kefir and sourdough bread from scratch and sigh as I pop a frozen pizza in the oven – again – because the meat for dinner did not thaw fast enough or someone needed an emergency run to urgent care.
But truthfully, those things are superficial. Where I really feel my failure is in the fact that I often do not feel connected to my kids. I am happy when they are playing on their own or napping. I do not long for them to wake up so we can play. I do not burst with creative ideas for engaging games we can do together. I turn on the TV far too often. I do not revel in the chance to play I Spy for the 100th time. I love them as much as life itself, but I do not always feel like I connect with them.
Then there is work. Work and parenting seem to be in direct conflict with one another. I can be a good writer or I can be a good mom, but some days it does not feel like I can be both. I know what my priority should be, and I try to keep that in mind at all times, yet we need this income. Private school is expensive. Healthy food is expensive. Doctor’s bills are expensive. Mommy has to work.
I do not feel like a good mom. I do not feel like the kind of mom who wears her child on her hip like a badge of honor. In fact, I rarely wear my child on my hip – she weighs nearly 45 pounds and I am pregnant for goodness’ sake!
Yet, when my child gets sick, she wants only one person – mom. Miss M has had pneumonia and then the stomach flu back to back, so she’s had a rough time of it for a few weeks. She’s on the mend now, but she wanted nothing but mom. I sat for hours watching videos on my computer because all she wanted was mom’s touch. I was the one who knew she was not breathing right and needed to see the doctor right now.
It is in those moments when I realize an important truth: I may not do everything perfectly. There are probably many superior moms out there who would do a much better job of raising my kids creatively. But, nothing will ever change the fact that these three precious girls are mine, they need me, and I need them. In this crazy life we live, I will always be their source of comfort. I hope to be their confidant. I pray that they know that even though mommy does work a lot, mommy also loves them dearly, and I will always be here for them, even if I do not play on the floor for hours on end.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Baby News: Got the official word that I have a 7:30 appointment to deliver baby on May 17. I kind of like knowing the day ahead of time. I am such a planner!
How far along? 25 weeks
Maternity clothes? Yep.
Sleep: Kids are not sleeping means mommy is not sleeping.
Best moment this week: The girls got to see my belly dancing. That's still pretty rare at this stage but they got to see it. Miss M is fascinated by where the baby's parts are and asks me all the time where her head, feet, ears, etc. are. I was glad to have had a scan Monday so I knew the answer. I know where the baby is (in my belly) but I am not good at figuring out positions.
Movement: Still very active.
Gender: Confirmed Monday that she is for sure female.
Labor Signs: Nope
What I miss: Sleep.
What I am looking forward to: ?
Weekly Wisdom: ? It's been survival mode this week.
Milestones: Definitely in viability mode!
Complications Update: So, I had a growth scan Monday and she is "on track" the nurse said. She was clearly sucking her hands/thumb and that was so sweet. I also had a more complex test this week to test for proteins and sugars in my urine, and that came back clear. So, all in all, things are where they should be! Yeah!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Now, it's all about the attitude. We get obedience, but it's with a tossed head, rolled eye, and a "FINE!" The sass is quite impressive, actually.
I know this is not biblical obedience, yet I struggle with the proper way to address the behavior. We have prayed, we have had heart to heart discussions, and we have been firm, but it is not making any headway. If anything, the problem is getting worse.
Ignoring it does not work either, as it just gets louder and more persistent.
Any seasoned mommies found a way to deal with attitude?
Friday, February 3, 2012
It's been a while since I have recorded some of the funny things my kiddos have said. Miss M is definitely in that stage at 3 1/2.
One of the cutest things she says is "bless you." Not when someone sneezes to be polite, but rather that is what she calls the sneeze. We were talking the other morning about covering our coughs, and she says, "And your bless yous?"
Part of what makes a conversation with Miss M so entertaining is the way she talks. She still doesn't quite have her pronouns right, and she has a very distinct way of saying things that is just her way.
The other day sister got her first behavior mark in school. She has been very proud of not getting any behavior marks, and she is so much like me I thought it would be devestating to her when it did happen, so I was very surprised she hadn't said anything to me. So, I asked about it. This was the conversation that followed:
Mommy: It says here you lost a snowflake. What happened?
Miss N: I was talking.
Mommy: Oh, I see.
Miss M: Natee, you need somefing, you raise your hand
Miss N: I didn't need something, I just couldn't hold it in!
Miss M: You talk out?
Miss N: Yeah, I talked out. I tried not to but it just happened! (she is very chatty so I am surprised she went this long without this problem!)
Miss M: You no talk out, my teacher say that. That naughty.
Ok, maybe it was only funny to me, but I was cracking up.
A few months ago we got this gem:
Miss M: Mommy, I's gots a best friend!
Mommy: Really? What's her name?
Miss M: Um, hers name is, I don't know!
She is very curious about the baby. From time to time she will look at me and say, "Yous gots a baby in your belly. Why yous gots a baby in there?"
She was, and sometimes still is, my challenging child in many ways, but she is so funny. I love her to pieces.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
How far along? 24 weeks
Maternity clothes? Yep. And some are starting to not cover my belly. Sigh, the joys of having a long torso while pregnant.
Sleep: Lots lots better. Not sure what the insomnia was all about but I am glad it is gone.
Best moment this week: Swelling went away!!!!!
Movement: Still very active.
Gender: She's a girl!
Labor Signs: No way!
What I miss: Nothing really this week.
What I am looking forward to: Picking a name. We need to get on this.
Weekly Wisdom: Sometimes, it is best not to rush to the doctor when your kid is sick, no matter how hard it is!
Milestones: In the most technical sense of the word, I believe we are now considered viable.
Complications Update: So, the doctor upped my prescription again at my last appointment. It took me a few days to remember to take it properly, but then I started feeling incredibly dizzy. If I stood up, I would nearly pass out, yet when I took my bp it was normal. After a few days of this and one really bad day I called them and they are lowering the dose. At my appt. yesterday it was only 110/70, which is really low for me, even on the lower dose. Part of me wants to lower it again for myself, but I don't have confidence to do this without the doctor's oversight. I hate all of this playing with meds - my baby's life is dependent on getting this right! Waiting for another high-risk scan soon and another test this week to make sure my liver/kidneys are working properly.