Harms Family News

Today, my baby is on my mind . Maybe it's because we haven't moved on in the way of successfully having another on the way. Maybe it's because so many of my friends are preparing to welcome their June or July babies. Perhaps it's the slew of ultrasounds on Facebook lately. It could be from the large number of pregnant women I saw at the waterpark. It could also be the newborns I had the chance to hold a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure the reason. I just know that I was due around the beginning of July. And that date is fast approaching. And deep down inside, I am still sad. Does the sad ever go away? I am praying that my arms, or at least my belly, are filled with a new babe before the November anniversary rolls around. . . Is that wrong? And what if God says no?

Sometimes I still think about my baby. Sometimes I wonder how he or she would have fit into this family. Sometimes, I wish I were shopping for maternity clothes rather than rejoicing in lost inches through T-Tapp. Sometimes, when those around me who are pregnant announce their genders, some getting the much-desired gender they do not have, I wonder if that baby was “our boy.” Will I never know the joy of raising a son here on this earth? Sometimes, I wonder how I will feel when those who got pregnant around the time I did are giving birth. Yet, sometimes, I am so grateful I am not expecting right now. There has been a lot going on. I am not coping with some of it well. My hands feel full. And when I feel those feelings, I feel tremendous guilt. How could I be glad my baby is gone? I never named the baby. I know a lot of women who lose a baby do. For me, because I do not know his/her gender, he/she doesn’t have a name. Then, in a way I feel like I am letting that baby down. I guess I ne...