About Me

I am a proud wife and mother, and a born again Christian. I work from home as a writer while taking care of Miss N, our six-year-old, Miss M, our four-year-old and Miss C, our newest bundle of joy. Life is crazy but so much fun!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

23 weeks

How far along? 23 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Slept on the couch for the first time ever. The dog was sooooo loud and I couldn't make her be quiet without waking Tim, who had already gotten up to let her out once, so I just went to the couch.

Best moment this week: My sweet big girl wrapping her arms around me when I was sobbing on the couch about a cut up check.

Movement: She's an active little thing, but is nice to her momma at night so far. Miss M would kick me all night long! I don't remember about Miss N.

Gender: She's a girl!

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Walking without hip pain. Not having swollen feet.

What I am looking forward to: Reaching viability. I think I will feel so much better!

Weekly Wisdom: If your child cuts up a huge check, the bank can reissue one, and maybe even without fees. If you receive a huge check from a client, the piano is not the place to set it. Even though your child never touches the mail and knows she is not to touch the mail, she will find it. The top of the refrigerator sounds like a safe place.

Milestones: Getting mostly over the anxiety issue (I hope!)

Complications Update: I guess I will add this category since I know there are a few of you who care. My doctor had to change my bp medication this week. It has times throughout the day where it spikes too high. Now I feel like I am on soooo much medication. She is not thrilled that I am swelling this early, so next week we do another test to make sure I am not dumping any proteins. I am also supposed to get another ultrasound at the high risk place to check growth and placenta health, I am assuming. Over all, I feel pretty good, but I am starting to feel more and more strongly that we will not make it all the way to May. Because of this, I am trying to figure out the best way to broach this subject with my brand new clients. Not an easy thing!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Be Still My Anxious Heart

The Internet can be a scary place, and of necessity due to my work I spend a lot of time on it. When I was first pregnant with this baby I came across post after post where a seemingly healthy pregnancy and baby died at 12-19 weeks. Even Michelle Dugger lost her baby late in her pregnancy. It freaked me out, even though I know I have very little in common with her.

I am feeling pretty confident all will be well as we inch closer to viability. At this point, even if I got really, really sick, they could probably use drugs to keep her inside for a couple more weeks. That is worst case scenario of course, but it helps put my mind at ease.

During this pregnancy I have struggled with anxiety more than ever before, with the exception of my battle with depression after I had Miss N. I blame hormones, drugs, and a host of other things, but it is a very real issue and something I am struggling with.

Now, I am starting to feel anxious about how I will manage with a newborn. Of course, the Internet is not helping. I was reading a blog that is normally very funny and uplifting, and turns out she just brought home a newborn. And she is struggling. A lot. With anxiety, anxiousness, and the inability to "do it all." I find that panic feeling in my chest and the wonder of, "will that be me?"

I am concerned about summer. I want the girls to have fun, have playdates, enjoy themselves. The waterpark is out with a newborn, and most of their school friends have working moms, so that kills the option for playdates with school friends. With a newborn I am not sure how much getting out I will be wanting to do, but they are going to need some activity. They don't do well cooped up at home day in and day out. And truthfully, neither does mommy.

I am so thankful for this baby. Yet, there are days, like yesterday when my youngest decided to cut up a rather substantial check from a client, sending me into a panic attack, when I wonder what on earth we were thinking and what I have gotten myself into. I barely keep my head above water with the two fairly self-sufficient kids I have. Why on earth did I think I could add a newborn to the mix?

There is one thing I know, though, and that is that God will not give us more than we can bear. Because of this, I will just keep doing the next thing, and trust that He will give me the strength to make it through the tough newborn days with grace. The toilet my not get cleaned weekly, but I trust my family will be fed and loved. And for today, I am going to spend a little time in the Word before I start my busy morning. That, I think, is the best way to deal with anxiety.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Miss N's Eyes

They say hindsight is always 20/20.

Looking back, there are so many signs that Miss N had an eye problem. I remember her first puzzle. It was a little one with animals and underneath the piece was an identical image of the animal. She could figure out which hole they went in, but it took her a very long time to figure out she had to turn the animal to fit it in the hole. I remember telling her, "Put the eyes with the eyes" and she just didn't get it, but she was a toddler and I figured it was just her developmental stage.

Then there was the difficulty writing neatly. But she was 3 and 4 and I figured it was just developmental, or that she had inherited my poor handwriting. Plus, she's left handed, and my lefties when I taught always struggled a little with handwriting.

Then there were the eye spy books. She couldn't find the pictures. Again, I assumed it was just developmental.

Then there were the headaches. That was the sign I finally realized meant there was a problem. But she was only barely 4. How could she go to the eye doctor?

If I had had Miss M first, I would have known. Miss M could do all of these things by three. She can write some clear letters, put together a 50-piece puzzle with ease, and find all of the images in an Eye Spy book. These were not developmental issues. Miss N could not see.

Yesterday was our every four month excursion to Chicagoland for her visit with the pediatric eye specialist. Her right eye is the bad eye, and it has gotten worse. Even with her glasses on she was unable to see the 20/40 images. The next step up she could see. She will be getting a new prescription and wearing an eye patch two hours a day in an attempt to train the brain to use the lazy eye and not just the good eye.

This makes me, as her mom, so sad. My child has a vision problem, and chances are had I noticed the signs, it would not be this bad. All of those years of struggling to see with her one good eye have left her with this weak eye. I guess as a parent it always makes you feel sad when your child has a struggle, but when I feel I could have prevented that struggle, it's even more difficult.

I am also confused. The optometrist we saw in our town that wanted her to do the vision therapy (hundreds if not thousands of dollars a month) said eye patching was like giving tylenol for a migraine. This ophthalmologist has a different take, and she said that there is no scientific evidence that the therapy works. Frankly, we do not have thousands of dollars a month to spend on therapy, so I want to trust the ophthalmologist, but these conflicting reports are hard to accept. But, I can stomach less than $10 a month for patches a lot better than the cost of therapy.

Thankfully, Miss N is thriving in school and does not seem to have any problems as a result of this vision issue yet. But, it still makes me sad.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

21/22 weeks

Ok, so I failed last week in posting my update. There was a lot going on and it just didn't seem important. I almost failed this week because suddenly the work is flowing, but this week it seems more important to me, so here it is!

We are at the 22 week mark as of yesterday. I feel baby kicking all of the time. We have learned she is a girl, and her nickname (not real name) is "Lucy," as Miss M named her. So maybe I will call her that on the blog until she is born. I'm not calling her that much at home because I don't want to confuse Miss M.

How far along? 22 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Doing OK with the exception of getting up with all of the sickies of late.

Best moment this week: Tim got to feel Lucy kicking for the first time! I'm hoping the girls will be able to feel it soon.

Movement: Daily. I find it reassuring which is nice. I found it creepy with my other babies.

Gender: She's a girl!

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Being emotionally normal LOL

What I am looking forward to: Reaching viability, my anatomy scan on my birthday next Wednesday. Getting scheduled at the high risk clinic to get my mind put at ease.

Weekly Wisdom: Sometimes, God tries our faith, and as James says the trying of our faith worketh patience. I have had some major faith trying moments in the last two weeks that I am not ready to share or blog about yet, but I have learned one thing: God will take you to the point where you think you have been pushed too far, but the truth is He will not push you too far and will give relief before you break.

Milestones: Tim feeling kicks for the first time.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Three Girls. . .

I have a friend with three girls. She is a hair dresser, nail technician, girly girl.

I am also going to have three girls.

I am not a girly girl, not one bit. The other day Miss N asked me to put at "twist" in her hair, and I had no idea what she was talking about. I barely know how to even do a French braid. I have never once curled their hair. We are lucky if they have matching hair bows most days. I have not invested in a stash of boutique bows for my girls. If I do get around to painting my nails, it's a day or two before they are a chipped mess, and they usually stay that way for at least a week. I am a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal, although I do try to stay looking feminine. I have a husband who wants me to look like a lady after all.

My bedroom "colors" are green. I had green as the primary color in my wedding. I don't "do" lace and frills. The most "girly" thing I do is scrapbooking, and that's only if I am lucky because I rarely have time.

And I am going to be the mom of three girls.

Guess it's time to learn to be a little girly.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Miss N's Response

Before I forget, here's Miss N's response. "now you don't have to switch out all of the clothes for boy clothes. I was very worried about that." Funny kid.

Be Careful Little Lips What You Say

When I was expecting Miss N, I was a teacher. I had a great, small group of kids to teach. They always wanted to know what I wanted to have, and my answer was, "A boy. I love you girls but girls are too catty!" Of course, we all know that Miss N was a girl.

I should have never said anything.

Because come May, I will be the mom of three girls.

Meet baby girl #3


She is healthy and weighs approximately 13 ounces, which apparently they measure by measuring the femur.

Tim's response: "Well, this will be a lot cheaper!"

Miss M's response: "I gonna have two sisters? I will call her Lucy. Why we not gets a brover?"

I haven't gotten to confirm with Miss N yet.

I am totally cool with this. I think the events of the last year and a half made gender less of an importance to me than having a healthy baby I can hold. God knows whether or not we are the right family for a boy, and at this point he said nope, we get another girl. I love watching my two sisters grow up, and adding another can't be so bad, can it?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Blessing

Last week I received an email from a client indicating they would be dropping rates across the board in the new year. This represented a sizeable drop in income from a client that was bringing in a huge chunk of my monthly pay. While this client was not high paying, thye did have ongoing, steady work, which made it worthwhile to stick with them. The new pay rate was well below my minimum.

I started to panic. I am having a baby in four months, and I was planning to rely on this client to keep some money coming in when I took time off from my other clients after the baby was born.

Yet, this is turning out to be a blessing.

There is an amazing group of online freelancers I have connected with through a friend, and I went to them to "vent." They immediately offered support, not only through virtual hugs, but also through helping me spruce up my cover letter (which is vital in this line of work, no matter how experienced you are) and start finding new opportunities.

Currently, I am testing for three new jobs, one of which is very well paying for me, and all three of which I feel well qualified to do. These are not jobs I have "gotten" yet, but they are jobs I feel confident I can do well. One actually has basically agreed to take me on, but I am waiting to see if the pay is within my acceptable range.

If these come through, I will end up with less work and more income, because they are far better paying than the job that I am letting go.

I was in near panic mode last week, and now I am hopeful. Even if these jobs are not the right ones, I know that I am now in a position that I can land new positions. I do have the skills I need, and I will get through this. God has made this negative experience into something amazing, and in a very short time.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

20 Weeks Update

Technically I will not be 20 weeks until tomorrow, but I opted to do this tonight while I have a little extra time. I went to the doctor (not the high risk doctor, just the regular one) today and got some answers to some questions. She was fine with where my readings are, for the most part, and wants to play with the timing of my medication to optimize its effectiveness. It seems the goal is not necessarily to lower my numbers significantly but rather to stop the continual increase they were seeing, as numbers naturally increase in the third trimester.

All in all I am feeling much calmer about the whole thing. We also got a peek at the baby and are fairly certain on the gender, but his/her legs were closed pretty tightly so the ultrasound tech didn't want to make an "official" call yet. I will share when we get that "official" call. :)

How far along? 20 weeks

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Sleep: Hubby hasn't been sleeping well and keeps nudging me. Not sure if I am snoring or if he finds me sleeping on my back (which was true one night) and he wants me to roll over for the baby's safety. Otherwise sleeping pretty well.

Best moment this week: Ultrasound. Got a cute picture of a little foot.

Movement: Daily.Definitely not as strong as Miss M's, so this child may not be as active as she was and is.

Gender: Most likely known.

Labor Signs: No way!

What I miss: Eating without heartburn. The heartburn has already started. Boo!

What I am looking forward to: Reaching viability, my anatomy scan on my birthday next Wednesday. Getting scheduled at the high risk clinic to get my mind put at ease.

Weekly Wisdom: Proverbs 3:5-6

Milestones: Halfway done! Actually probably less than halfway since I will be delivering at least a week before my due date due to the c-section.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Blood Pressure Update

So, this blood pressure thing - it is making me crazy!

The medicine seems to be working at a higher dose. When I take it, after a while I start getting readings of 118/72. Those are good readings.

But, and here's the real kicker, it seems to wear off before it is time to take it again. I take it first thing in the morning and first thing before bed. In the morning, my readings are high right after I get up. How can sleeping make your blood pressure go up? I have gotten some readings over 140 and over 100. Those are high.

Then, again, in the evening before I take it it is high again. I am sure it goes down after I take the medicine, but i am sleeping.

If I sit and do nothing except work it goes lower, but the minute I get up to move it spikes. I know these spikes are not good for me or baby, but I can't live my life sitting on my tushy with two little ones relying one me.

All of this does not bode well for staying off of bed rest. Tim and I talked about our options if that happens to have the kids cared for, and I can honestly say I am not a fan of most of them. They will be expensive, right at a time when work is dropping significantly for me. Oh yeah, that situation is not helping my blood pressure one bit!

Wednesday I reach 20 weeks. That is when I can have an "official" diagnosis of pre-eclampsia. Oh, how I pray that does not happen. How would you do the NICU thing with two kids and a business to run? The kids can't go with you to the hospital (kids are too germy to be around NICU babies). But, I don't even want to think like that until I reach viability.

Last night I dreamed that hey took the baby. The baby was in the NICU at just 18 weeks gestation. They said they had some miracle device that would keep the baby alive until viability, when they would go into the traditional NICU. In this dream I still did not know the gender of our baby. The nurse said, "It's a boy so we named him Henry." Then looked at her chart and said, "Wait, no it's a girl so we named her Megan." That is what the NICU does - it takes away your ability to be the parent to your child. Of course, not the ability to name your child, but it was just a dream. While I am thankful for the NICU and Miss N's health, I want to avoid going there again at all costs. Yet, bed rest with kids at home - how do you manage.

My sister in law said, "They will just have to learn to be more independent." But I have two, who fight, and one who is too little to perform even some basic hygiene on her own. I do not see how I could take care of them, even poorly, with my butt glued to the couch. We would have to have help, and help is something we cannot afford. I think unless you have been on complete bed rest, it is nearly impossible to understand just what that means. I have, but it was before I had any born children (N was tucked away inside).

Yes, I am worried about this. Yes, I know that whatever God has in store is best, but I am still worried. I already lost one baby in the past year and a half. Losing this one is something I cannot even fathom. High blood pressure puts a lot of risk on the baby, including placenta failure and cut toff of blood flow to the baby, so it is a serious thing. At least one risk, slow growth, is not something I am too worried about - as big as my babies tend to be it would be just fine for this one to grow a little slowly (said in jest of course).

I am waiting for the high risk unit at the hospital to call and schedule me. It has taken forever for the insurance approval and the regular doctor to get my information over there. Tim will go with me to that appointment, so we should get some answers, I hope! If you took the time to read all of this, please pray they call soon! I just want to know what the plan is and that my baby is OK. I don't think I can take more meds since it does come down so nicely, but maybe I can spread out the dosing a little differently to avoid these spikes. But I am no doctor so I cannot make these changes until I talk to one.