About Me

I am a proud wife and mother, and a born again Christian. I work from home as a writer while taking care of Miss N, our six-year-old, Miss M, our four-year-old and Miss C, our newest bundle of joy. Life is crazy but so much fun!

Friday, September 30, 2011

A Few Thoughts

Ok, so now that the cat is out of the bag and I can finally confidently say I am pregnant, I have a few thoughts i want to get out there.

It's amazing how different I feel this time around. I wanted my other babies, of course, but this time, I so desperately prayed for this pregnancy and the ability to finally put November behind me, it feels like a true miracle. I was specifically praying to be pregnant before November, and then I specifically prayed to hear the heart beat yesterday, even though it was early, and God graciously answered. He did not have to - He could have chosen to teach me through more waiting, but He answered these prayers in the way I wanted.

As far as pregnancy updates, I am going to try to curb them to the blog and not post them on face book. I know all too well how hard it can be after a loss or when dealing with a period of time in which you cannot get pregnant to read pregnancy update after pregnancy update. I do not think anyone is wrong to put them out there on facebook, but I know I have friends who are struggling with loss and infertility, and I want to protect them. So, if you are curious about my pregnancy news (hi family!) then you can read here. If you prefer not to know about it, then feel free not to read. I feel this is the best way to be able to journal my thoughts, feelings, and news without bringing unnecessary pain to people.

And finally, I want to be pregnant! So, if you catch me complaining, please remind me how badly I wanted this! I know I have a tendency to complain and I am determined not to - that was another painful thing for me, particularly right after November. Logging on to facebook and hearing pregnant women complain about their symptoms was so hard because I wanted to trade places with them so badly. So, no complaining here! And if I slip up, someone give me a nice slap upside the head.

Last night Miss N decided to tell the cashier at pizza hut "My mommy has a baby in her tummy!" I guess she is excited! That makes me happy, although she really wants a baby brother. Hopefully she will be happy either way!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Telling the Girls

Well, I totally intended to wait to tell the girls about the baby a little bit, but the cat got out of the bag fast when they saw the ultrasound picture on the table. (oops) Miss N already knew I was getting pictures taken of my insides this morning, and she wanted to know what the "big hole" on the picture was. I was not able to answer her honestly without telling her the whole truth, so I told them.

Miss N responded with a big smile and a "I hope it's a brother." and Miss M responded with, "I see the hole in your tummy mommy?" and asking me to lift my shirt. Then Miss N said, "Mommy, I love you. I will love you no matter how big you get." Oh my, crazy girl! I am glad she loves me. Then she was very worried about something, "Mommy, my teacher told us to raise our hands if our mommies had a baby in their tummies, and I said no because I didn't know." I think she thought she had lied. . . I assured her she was fine :)

We Have a Heart Beat!

So, this morning I headed off to the doctor, after being totally scared by my doctor's report yesterday. The ultrasound at first showed just an empty sac. I was getting so discouraged! I knew that was not necessarily "bad" for how far along I thought was, but I still wanted further confirmation that all was well. I was praying very specifically for a heart beat to show up.

The ultrasound tech could not get one of the images she wanted using the one type of probe, so at the end she switched over to the other type (that is usually less detailed). She wasn't trying to get a picture of the pregnancy, but she did take another look. Then she started to look closer. I saw something flickering on the screen that was faster than my own heart beat (which I could also see on the screen.)

"Is that?" I couldn't finish the question. I have learned sometimes that the techs are not allowed to say what they are seeing or what stuff means.

She then switched back to the first probe to try to get a better look. It didn't work. So she went back to the less detailed one. Then it was forever before she could get that little flicker back. Finally, there it was, a little blob with a little heart beat. I felt the tears in the corners of my eyes. At first she could not get a reading on it, but then she was able to - 113. Later, the nurse practitioner said that was on the "low end of normal" which was perfect for how far along I was measuring - 6 weeks, 1 day. That measurement lines up with where I think things should be at this point.

I am so thankful for God answering my specific prayer to see a heart beat today. It helps me to relax, gives me permission from Tim to share our news, and also stops the every-other-day trips to the doctor.

Six weeks is still REALLY early, and I know that, but I also know that a heart beat is one of the best indicators of a viable pregnancy. It absolutely amazes me that at just six weeks gestation and measuring a half of a centimeter (stop and think about just how small that is!) the baby has a beating heart. Many women do not even know they are pregnant at this time!

So, we are expecting baby #5, which would be baby #3 to join us here on this earth. The "official" due date is May 23, so Tim got his wish - I will not be pregnant at all through the summer!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Mixed News

Well, the nurse called today (Wednesday) with my blood draw results from Monday. Only, she wouldn't tell me what they were. All he said was, "Your numbers went up, and Dr. H wants you to come in today instead of tomorrow for your ultrasound." That was, however, impossible, because I was out in the boondocks on a field trip with Miss M. So, I wait until tomorrow morning.

I am perplexed why she wouldn't tell me what the results were. It makes me think they were bad. On the other hand, with the ectopic, they said, "Get someone to watch the children and come here NOW." so if they were worried about that, I don't think they would have been OK with me not dropping everything and coming in.

I have a decent amount of pain, and I don't think it's just normal "growing" pains. That scares me. But I can usually find a "reason." And it's not doubling over, falling on the floor type pain that I have been told is what will happen with ectopic pain.

Only a few more hours until I will have my question answered. I pray that it's all OK. If it's another ectopic, I don't know what I will do. I don't know how I would survive that, honestly.

I am not freaking out right now. I am fairly calm. I am also feeling like there is less hope than there was two weeks ago. I just have a "something's not right" feeling. But, I'm a pessimist quite often, and a worrier, so maybe that's just coming from me. . . I don't know.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

I am not good at waiting. I remember one Christmas when I knew where the gifts were stored, I would sneak in there and peak when my mom was off picking up the babysitter. I wanted to know NOW!

I am waiting this morning on my blood results from yesterday. If I took an honest look inside my heart I would say my gut says this baby is OK. But, I cannot help but wonder if I am being wistfully ignorant. And truthfully, my lack of faith or lack of belief in God's goodness, not sure which, wonders if He doesn't want me to continue learning lessons through trials. That maybe I didn't learn whatever November was supposed to teach me since I am still sad so maybe I have to do it again. Now that my naivity is gone and I know just how many things can go wrong at 6 weeks pregnant, I am scared.

I am analyzing every little ache, pain, and discomfort. I am happy to feel sick to my stomach, panicked when I sneeze and feel intense abdominal pain, albeit fleeting.

This little baby is in God's hands. In my head I know that those are the best possible hands to hold and care for him. Yet, in my heart I wish there were something more I, as his mommy, could do. I have limited caffeine, am trying to eat healthy and avoiding all of the right things, am getting all my blood draws, and am taking my vitamins. There isn't anything else I can do, and yet, it is still hard. I face each day with this breathless sense of anticipation, jump when the phone rings, hold my breath when I see the Dr. on the caller ID. I haven't really had any bad news, except that one scary day when the nurses didn't agree, but I am still jumpy. I hope that soon, I will be able to calm down. Less than 48 hours until my next ultrasound. That's not long at all!

This song has been a tremendous encouragement to me these last few weeks. I cannot post a mp3 of it, so I will post the lyrics. It is on a CD I have from the Wilds.

And this we know in the journey of life. Whether green, rolling hills or the desert bare and dry. In all things God works for our good, for those who love the Lord.

In the lush, verdant valleys where we walk sure and strong, or the rugged terrain unsafe and long. God has promised His help, "Fear not, I will guide you. Take my hand, for my promises are true."

And this we know in the journey of life. Whether green, rolling hills or the desert bare and dry. In all things God works for our good, for those who love the Lord.

In the seasons of life, times of joy or despair, victory and defeat. "I know the plans I have for you," says your God. "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Believe in me, trust in me, for I am your God."

And this we know in the journey of life. Whether green, rolling hills or the desert bare and dry. In all things God works for our good, for those who love the Lord.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Peace, Sort Of

I went away this weekend. After hearing from my doctor that she was not at all concerned on Friday, I decided to go.

It's amazing how much peace I felt just hearing she was fine with everything. Yes, I think about the baby/pregnancy constantly, but it's not so much a panic as it is a soft concern. I am beginning to accept that there is nothing I can do about this. If the baby is meant to survive, he will; if it is not, he won't. I am even coming almost to the point where if I lose this baby, I think I would be able to stomach trying again. I think realizing there is such a small chance, maybe even no chance at all at this point, that it is an ectopic helps. People have blighted ovums (traditional miscarriage reason) all of the time and there is nothing they or their bodies have done to cause it, so trying again is not a danger.

I am praying very specifically for two things this week. They are:

1. That my blood work will not do anything funny Monday. I will get that result Tuesday.
2. That we will be able to see something definite, preferably a heart beat, on Thursday at the ultrasound.

Choosing to trust God in this has become a minute by minute ordeal. Google has not been a friend to me. It makes me crazy and I am trying to stay away. But sometimes I cannot.

Finding out this early (probably before 4 weeks even!) has been a mixed blessing. The early testing is great but it is also incredibly maddening. Praying we will soon be released from all of this testing and treated like a normal, healthy pregnancy.

I have known I was pregnant for almost two weeks now. It sure feels like a lot longer than that!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Miss M Funnies

Miss M is certainly the little comedian. Here are a couple from just the last two days!

We were in the locker room at swimming lessons and Miss M was very interested in seeing all of the other ladies. Now, you need to understand that i am by no means a skinny-minnie. In fact, there is very much in that regard I would like to change, and my kids understand what a curvy woman looks like. Anyways, this woman comes out of the adult changing area in her bathing suit. She was very nice and was chatting with the girls. Then she goes over to wash her hands and Miss M says, "mommy, why dat lady got big butt?"

I wanted to crawl in a hole and laugh at the same time. I said, "Miss M, everybody's bodies are different." Then of course after the lady left (quite quietly) I told her, "If you want to ask a question about someone's body, please wait until we are in the car."

Then this morning I was telling her she could not wear her rain boots because yesterday she was packing them full of rocks. Then she said, "I frow rocks at boys heads and I frow rocks at girls heads. That funny!"

"That's not nice, your friends won't like that!"

"It funny mommy!"

"No, it's not funny."

"Miss C (the K4 teacher) like it, She say it funny."

Too much! I love this little girl so much. We are breaking through some of our stubbornness issues and she is becoming so much fun!

Scares, Relief

What a roller coaster the last two weeks have been!

So, here is where things stand. My Dr. is pretty sure it is not an ectopic. Now we just have to give it time to see if it will stick or not. As with any pregnancy there is always that chance of miscarriage.

I had an ultrasound yesterday and it looks like a sac is developing where it is supposed to develop. Nothing in it to be seen yet but that's normal for this stage of the game (probably right at 5 weeks). However, the practitioner I saw (not my Dr.) freaked me out by telling me that I had a 50/50 chance at this point. Then, when I called later to ask a question, the nurse on the phone (not my normal nurse) scared me even further saying that my numbers are not doubling anymore (which is typically bad).

I had to wait until today to hear from my doctor, because she was at the hospital yesterday with surgeries. She called first thing (literally, 8:01 and they open at 8) this morning. She said she is not worried at all yet and we just need to be patient. I asked about the number and she said it does not worry her. I asked about the 50/50 chance and she said that she thinks we are much higher than that at this point. So, positive news. Of course, I don't think I will feel 100 percent positive until I see that beating heart but I will take what I can get.

For now, I pray for my baby to grow, be healthy, and for the ability to trust God. It is an hour by hour process. I cannot just say "I am going to trust God" and boom, it happens. I have to constantly surrender my fear to Him. It is NOT easy!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Learning to Trust

I find myself saddled with fear through the first weeks of this pregnancy. November was very traumatic. I am so scared it will happen again.

Over the weekend i started feeling some pains, the same pains that sent me in for the ultrasound on November and got the ball rolling to finding the ectopic diagnosis. The pains were in the exact same spot. In November the doctor finally did say those pains were not related to the baby, but it was still scary.

So, I called this morning, feeling a little foolish because I figured it was nothing to worry about, but still, I was worried.

They wanted me to come in, so I found someone to watch the girls and in I went.

The visit started with an ultrasound. I knew it was too early to see anything, but I still had hope. They took all of the measurements but there was nothing to see.

Then the doctor called me back. I was very surprised because my bp was only 133/80, which is high-ish but not through the roof. I was VERY nervous, so maybe that means my bp will stay OK this time around.

The first words out of her mouth were, "I don't see anything scary." I felt a similar sense of relief as I felt on Friday when the nurse called to say my numbers were perfect. Like I could breathe again. She did not really give me an explanation for the pain (which is not intense or anything, just nagging) but she did say, "I think we got it this time. I really think this pregnancy is going to be just fine."

I wish I had her confidence. I almost wish I hadn't taken a test so early. It's probably at least another week before we can see anything on ultrasound, and then two more before a heartbeat is possible to be seen. Which means three weeks before we can tell, three weeks before I can feel more peace, and a very, very long wait for this momma. I really, really want to tell Miss N, because she is noticing differences in me - I'm more tired for instance (when was the last time this mommy took a nap?) But, I don't want to tell her until I see that beating heart. So, we wait. and wait. and wait.

I wish I could trust better. I know I serve a great God. I know He has a perfect plan for me and my little family. And I do trust him, but I also know that heartache is sometimes in His plan. Obviously, because we went through November. So, I am trying to cast my anxieties on his capable shoulders when they pop up, but I am not going to be ashamed of them. I think it's normal. I think it's a human response to a horrific circumstance. I think the answer lies in what we do with our fears - do we dwell on them, or do we turn them over to the God who can truly care for them.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Top 10 Reasons I Love My Kids' School

My kids attend a great little Christian school nearby. I love it. I mean, I really love it. Here are some of the reasons:

1. It is five minutes from my house.
2. The principal really cares. I caught him trying to learn the names of the K3 kids this week. K3 kids can easily slip through the cracks.
3. The teachers really love the kids and it shows.
4. The teachers are great about communicating with parents. The K5 teacher even gave all the parents her cell phone number at the beginning of the year. Now that's trust.
5. It is a Christian school without the over emphasis on rules rules rules.
6. I am FB friends with several teachers. Which is nice because I feel more confident in trusting them with my precious girls. Also, they are willing to chat with me if I have a question or concern.
7. It allows me to send my kindergartener only half days. Big deal to this momma.
8. They plan really fun field trips and let me come along.
9. My kids love going there.
10. They use the curriculum I would use if I homeschooled.

Putting my kids in school was not actually an easy decision. Many moms I highly respect homeschool, and I am certainly qualified to do so. But with Tim’s leadership and a good, hard look at where we stand right now with schedules and such, school is the right decision, and I am so glad I have a great one to turn to! My only complaint is that it stops at 8th grade. I guess my kids will have to be high school dropouts! (Just kidding of course)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Pregnancy Post 2

Well, today I went in for blood draw #2. I had a bit of a scare this morning. I had to go to a clinic to get a proof of pregnancy and they said the urine test was negative. So glad i had heard back from the doctor yesterday that I was "early pregnant." They re-read the urine test and it was positive. Not sure what happened there but it left me with fast heartbeat for a while.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I find out if my numbers are doing what they should. Tomorrow I call my mom to tell her what the results were regardless. Oye, my brother is going to kill me.

For the most part I feel peace, a good vibe, whatever you want to call it, but, well, I have these moments. Moments when I wonder if God will let me keep this baby. Moments I doubt my own faith if He says "no." Moments I feel extreme guilt for being this fearful about what could be my third baby when people I care about cannot have any or have just one and cannot have more.

Tomorrow. Twenty-four more hours. Then probably a couple of weeks for an ultrasound to see if there is a heartbeat. Be still, my heart, God is in control.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Pregnancy Post 1

Well, it has happened. I have gotten a positive pregnancy test. I have such a hard time saying, "I'm pregnant" because I am nervous, but all in all I feel pretty peaceful. There is that nagging turning over feeling in my stomach, but I do feel pretty positive.

We are waiting to tell people until at least the first round of blood draws. The first one was today (Tuesday, Sept 13). If the blood work seems good, we will have to tell family. We will probably wait until the first ultrasound to tell too many friends, but they will likely do one fairly early to date the pregnancy. Some of my issues will make it impossible to date without a little peek inside.

Just a few days ago I started praying very specifically that God would allow me to be pregnant before November 15, the anniversary date of when I found out something was probably wrong with my baby. While I do not know if I will be able to keep this baby, God has answered that prayer. Now, i pray for safety and for a calm spirit.

The due date, should God allow us to keep this baby, is not at all at a good time. But I trust God's will in this matter. And, of course, I am beyond elated to finally be pregnant. It has been a long two months.

My doctor said in her 20 years of doing OB/GYN work, she has never had two back-to-back ectopic pregnancies in a patient. I pray I am not her first.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Rejoicing!

So i have some praises to share!

First, remember this post? About how I was not ready to go through the pastor search? Well, our pastor officially resigned June 30. Here it is the beginning of September, so only two full months, and we already have one! No drama, and he was voted in with just one negative vote. Tim and I really, really like him and his wife. I think they are a perfect fit for our happy loving little church. We are so excited. We will continue to miss our former pastor and his wife but are excited to be moving forward.

Second, remember this post? Well I found a pediatric opthamologist only about an hour away who not only is trained in vision therapy, but also takes the girls' insurance. And we have an appointment Wednesday. God is so good and I am so thankful I bit the bullet and called around. I hate making phone calls but in this case it likely saved us thousands of dollars, or the decision to not pursue something our child needs due to finances.

There is a third praise about something that I cannot share. but let's just say I was dreading something and praying about it and it was not as bad as I thought. God gave grace.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Thoughts on Prayer

I have something on my mind and heart that I have been praying about for a while, but I decided last night during my quiet time to start praying much more specifically. While I do not desire to share on this blog the specifics of the request, it left me to think.

Praying specifically is scary for me. It is easy to pray generically, “God, please be with such and such need and work it out in your timing and give grace.” Then, no matter what the answer, it was simply “God’s will.”

So why is praying specifically so scary?

Because God doesn’t always work on our time table, and I know that. I have seen that. A sweet friend who lost her foster child to the system showed me that very, very clearly a few years ago. Other friends who are battling diseases and not yet seeing healing have shown me that.

The bible even says, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Is 55:9)

Yet, I always hear that we are to pray specifically. In thinking about it, though, I cannot think of a particular verse that says so. I can think of “The effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” But that does not necessarily say what the “much” is.

So am I wrong to pray very specifically? Am I wrong to ask God for something in, well, my time frame, while readily acknowledging His ways are best? I know He has the power to grant this desire, but I am beginning to wonder if He has the desire to do so.

I guess deep down in my heart, I am afraid of what I will feel if God says “no.”

Yet, I know God wants to know our desires, and we should bring our requests before Him, so for now, I will pray specifically.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Sadness


Miss N had her second eye exam today. A year ago I found out she had a severe deficiency in one eye, to the point of having some permanent vision loss. I was a bit floored and did not ask at that appointment why or what that meant.

Today I did.

I am sad because had I caught her problem earlier, we might not have a permanent vision issue.

The doctor explained it like this: If you take a toddler and pin their arm to their chest, the muscles in the arm will atrophy. The eye is a muscle, and it gets exercise by visual stimulation. When the visual stimulation is not coming in accurately, the muscle atrophies. Therapy and glasses can help, but cannot restore the lost vision completely.

I realize this is not a serious issue. She can read, she can color, she can do puzzles, so obviously she can still see. I just wish we had caught it earlier. "Permanent vision loss" sound so, well, permanent and serious. I thought they screened preemies for these types of problems? Somehow she slipped through the cracks until age 4, when I went with my gut and had her checked. When he flashed the letters up on the screen for what I think was 20/40 vision, even with her glasses she could not read them. This made me sad.

He did explain that doctors do not prescribe the full prescription a child needs when they first get glasses. They typically work their way up. So her eyes haven't changed, but he is upping the prescription again. Before it was like 60 percent of what she needs, now it will be more like 90 or 95. That was interesting to me.

Miss N needs therapy for her vision, which will be expensive and cannot be done locally, but what is a parent to do? My kid has to be able to see! I am glad for one thing - she has a lazy eye, but apparently they are steering away from the patches for that problem these days. He said that is like giving an aspirin for a migraine headache. It may help, but it is not enough. So she will not have to wear a patch which I am thankful for.

In two weeks I take M to be checked, because this problem can run in families. I am already dreading this. She is getting calmer every day, but she is not one to sit still in a chair for a long time. Wish me luck!