The Internet can be a scary place, and of necessity due to my work I spend a lot of time on it. When I was first pregnant with this baby I came across post after post where a seemingly healthy pregnancy and baby died at 12-19 weeks. Even Michelle Dugger lost her baby late in her pregnancy. It freaked me out, even though I know I have very little in common with her.
I am feeling pretty confident all will be well as we inch closer to viability. At this point, even if I got really, really sick, they could probably use drugs to keep her inside for a couple more weeks. That is worst case scenario of course, but it helps put my mind at ease.
During this pregnancy I have struggled with anxiety more than ever before, with the exception of my battle with depression after I had Miss N. I blame hormones, drugs, and a host of other things, but it is a very real issue and something I am struggling with.
Now, I am starting to feel anxious about how I will manage with a newborn. Of course, the Internet is not helping. I was reading a blog that is normally very funny and uplifting, and turns out she just brought home a newborn. And she is struggling. A lot. With anxiety, anxiousness, and the inability to "do it all." I find that panic feeling in my chest and the wonder of, "will that be me?"
I am concerned about summer. I want the girls to have fun, have playdates, enjoy themselves. The waterpark is out with a newborn, and most of their school friends have working moms, so that kills the option for playdates with school friends. With a newborn I am not sure how much getting out I will be wanting to do, but they are going to need some activity. They don't do well cooped up at home day in and day out. And truthfully, neither does mommy.
I am so thankful for this baby. Yet, there are days, like yesterday when my youngest decided to cut up a rather substantial check from a client, sending me into a panic attack, when I wonder what on earth we were thinking and what I have gotten myself into. I barely keep my head above water with the two fairly self-sufficient kids I have. Why on earth did I think I could add a newborn to the mix?
There is one thing I know, though, and that is that God will not give us more than we can bear. Because of this, I will just keep doing the next thing, and trust that He will give me the strength to make it through the tough newborn days with grace. The toilet my not get cleaned weekly, but I trust my family will be fed and loved. And for today, I am going to spend a little time in the Word before I start my busy morning. That, I think, is the best way to deal with anxiety.