I've had so much on my mind lately, but not enough time or enough coherent thought to make a blog post. Sometimes I wish I could write beautiful posts like my friend "A" does on her blog (read it if you love beautiful writing), but I guess this is just my dumping ground.
And I guess it doesn't matter since no one reads here anyways.
I'm still sad. I'm functioning almost 100 percent normal and now that my pregnancy hormones are gone I am feeling back to normal, but I am still sad. I don't really understand it, and it's difficult to accept. And it's difficult when the world seems to be moving on around me unaware of this constant dull pain. I think I have never really thought about the pain others carry until this. Like the random stranger who was rude in the grocery store could have had a horrible diagnosis, lost someone they loved, or had hopes dashed. I guess it puts into perspective others around you. Sometimes I feel mad that those around me have forgotten, but then I realize that it was only to me that it was so incredibly personal.
I guess I'm doing a lot better, though, because Pastor mentioned baby loss this morning and I didn't cry.
Part of me thinks I will continue to be sad until and if we are able to have another baby. Who knows. I didn't feel this sad with my first loss. I still can't get over how different this is. But then, we were pregnant with Miss M so fast after the first loss, it hardly had time to get sad. We are two weeks away from the two-month mark from my first doctor's appointment. Oh, I'm not depressed or anything, I know personally what that's like. I'm just sad. I've started taking my prenatals again because the medication depletes all Folic Acid so I want that repaired, but it's so strange to be downing horse pills for "no reason." At least my two girls LOVE their own vitamins, so they are always reminding me to do them and that helps me remember.
I have been thinking about Job (in the Bible). Partly from my Sunday School class study at church, and partly from this blog post from my friend Michelle. Job asked God "why?" in regards to his myriads of sufferings. He didn't have the window into heaven that we are given as the modern day reader of Job. He didn't know why it seemed God had suddenly abandoned him.
I have been asking God "why?" also. In the end of the book God answered Job, but not with an explanation. Rather with a demonstration of His might and power through creation. Job's theology was off. God does not owe me an explanation. Rather, He is God, and because He is God, He does what He does. It's not always my place to know why. It's my place to accept, obey, and continue to honor my Lord even through pain. Maybe someday I will know "why," but God does not owe me an explanation.
I've learned a lot about myself recently. Good and bad. I am thinking on blogging about it, but I don't know if self-discovery is the point of a public online journal. Oh, and having an emotional crisis coupled with a physical crisis that forces you to stop running right before the biggest eating season of the year does not do good things for one's waistline. Oye, I've got my work cut out for me, but thankfully I have a working treadmill and I know how to use it!
My house is clean. Really, really clean since we had company tonight. Why won't it ever actually stay that way? Why is it impossible for me to keep it tidy? Contrary to the way it looks, I do try, but I do get overwhelmed.
Mercy: Help When We Are Weak
6 months ago