Today as I was getting the girls ready to go to my husband's shop so he could check the fluids in the van before our trip for Thanksgiving, my doctor called. I have been seeing the nurse practitioner up until today, but she was off today so it was the doctor. She said the numbers were not good and I needed to come in now. Her words, "Assign someone to watch the kids, and come here now. I am very concerned."
I was shaking the whole way to the town where Tim works. In the back of my head is the "what if" because she didn't actually see the tubal pregnancy. The protocol for this is to inject you with a drug to terminate the pregnancy so that your body will reabsorb the cells before the tube ruptures and has the potential to kill you.
I took the girls to Grandma's, got Tim, and we went over. The doctor confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy, even though they couldn't see it yet. She said that what the ultrasound tech thought was a sac was not and that with the numbers I was having with my blood work, they needed to deal with the ectopic pregnancy today or risk a rupture and internal bleeding and a life threatening situation.
While I completely understand that medically there was no chance for that baby to survive, it didn't change the fact that it was my baby. It didn't change the fact that the shot that saved my life also stopped the growth of my baby. I lost it when that realization hit me. I was signing my consent for my baby to be killed. I think that was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I am so thankful that I am fully confident that my doctor is pro life and that she wouldn't have told me to do this if there was any chance of an actual viable baby being in there. But it still hurt.
After I got over that somewhat, we were able to see some humor in some things. I think part of it was nerves, but the nurse was surprised how calm we were. I can't say that I was happy about it all, but by the time (over an hour we were waiting) the shot arrived, I was over most of my tears and was able to calmly accept the medication. I will say I had to force myself not to think about what the drug would do when she was injecting it, and I started to feel a little dizzy, but I did OK.
In spite of all of the negative emotions I am feeling, I have much to be thankful for. I almost cancelled my appointment on Monday since I knew that we would be going in at 10 weeks, and I figured that they could just do the annual exam then. If I hadn't, there is a good chance the rupture would have occurred next week when we would be out of town. God protected me by giving me the desire to go ahead with that appointment.
I am also thankful that Tim asked me not to tell many people about the pregnancy. When I had an early miscarriage before Megan, that created a few uncomfortable situations with people not knowing and saying something that was uncomfortable.
God is good, but I am still hurting. I now have two babies waiting for me in heaven, assuming the chemotherapy shot I got today did its job already. we will not be going out of town for Thanskgiving, as sometimes people need to have the shot twice for it to work, and if the baby is still growing in the wrong place in spite of the shot, I need to be here near my doctor.
I will never get a chance to meet you in this life. I only knew of your existance for two short weeks. For some reason God wanted you with Him instead of here on earth with me. Even though you were a surprise, I wanted you very badly. I cried when I knew I couldn't have you yet. I know God is in control, and I know you will be waiting for me someday. Until then, please know that your momma loved you very much for as long as I knew about you. Hug your brother or sister that I never got to meet for me, and I will see you some day.
Mercy: Help When We Are Weak
6 months ago