About Me

I am a proud wife and mother, and a born again Christian. I work from home as a writer while taking care of Miss N, our six-year-old, Miss M, our four-year-old and Miss C, our newest bundle of joy. Life is crazy but so much fun!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Seeing God's Hand in Grief

PS 14:8-10a, 11 "I have set the LORD always before me: Because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoicesth: my flresh also shall rest in hope. For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; Thou wilt show me the path of life; in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore."

The intensity of the grief I have been feeling has surprised me greatly. One minute I'm fine, and the next some thought comes into my head and I am reduced to the hugging my knees to my chest on the couch, sobbing giant tears. I told tim, "I'm a blubbering mess" and he said, "Don't say that, it makes me think of fat whales. Whales have blubber." He's been so good to me and so strong and I love him so much.

It doesn't make sense - I have walked the path of pregnancy loss before and I was fine. one day of crying, and it was done and I moved on with my life, we got pregnant with Megan, and our hearts were full. I rarely think of that pregnancy and that baby.

Is it because I have such a deep longing for another child right now? With Megan, I knew it was a good time to add another child, but it wasn't such a deep longing.

But this is different. For ways I understand but do not wish to write, and also because of my body. My hormone levels were very high. They injected me with chemotherapy. Physically things are happening that affect my emotions.

In spite of it all God's hand is still seen. Yesterday I could barely function. after googling my condition and finding some pro-life sites that said a few painful things, I had convinced myself we had done something horrible. Google is a dangerous tool when you are dealing with a physical health issue. Everyone has an opinion.

I managed to get three press releases done for clients, but that was all I could do. About a month ago a friend from church with girls my girls' ages invited them over to sleep over, and the date was last night. this was before we knew of the pregnancy or anything. God knew what was coming, and He knew I would need a quiet house in which to grieve.

My pastor's wonderful wife came over and listened to me and assured me we did the right thing. She hugged me and helped me understand what my body is going through. Then she cleaned! I don't know if she will ever know how much that helped me - coming home last night to a liveable kitchen and living room just really made a big difference in how I was feeling.

Tim and I went out last night. We watched a stupid movie and ate at Olive Garden (we had a gift card). I had fried lasagna. Can we say probably the most unhealthy thing on the menu? But it was good. It was the best thing I had tasted all day, and I refuse to feel guilty about it. I did eat salad - doesn't that help?

I am going to be reading Psalms for a while until my heart stops hurting so intensely. Revelations, which I had been reading before Monday, just isn't cutting it right now.

Will you pray one thing? Pray that I don't have to have that shot again. I want my body to get back to normal, and if my levels haven't dropped enough on the Monday after Thanksgiving, I will have to have it again. Both my doctor and the nurse at the hospital told me it was a possibility, which makes me worry that it is a strong possibility.

I don't think I've ever been through the grieving process like this before. I have lost grandparents, but this is so different. Maybe because I expected them to pass on? I don't know. Grief is intense and hard to understand, but God is good and I will rest in that as we enter this season of life. I know one thing is true - Thanksgiving is going to be bitter sweet for many years after this one.

2 comments:

S.A. said...

I'm sorry you're going through this time. I know hormones can really affect your body. I'll be praying they level out. The Psalms are a good choice of reading. When you get those thoughts that make you cry, remember that all thoughts are not from God. Some are meant to be immediately dismissed. I hope you feel better soon.

Tancy Griffin said...

So many things are running through my head as I read your post.

While I have never been through an etopic pregnancy, I understand the feelings of upheaval you are going through.

It sounds like Tim is being fantastic. I cherish the moments of my husband's sweetness.

I am glad you are surrounded with those who love and care for you.

I know that we don't know each other well, but I want you to know I would be an open ear. I understand the hurt.