Fearful

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My husband has been working hard to get the big girls' room ready for the big move-in. We are redoing it quite a bit so that Miss N does not feel like Miss M is "invading" her space. It is going very well and I am so thankful for a husband who works hard all day doing manual labor and comes home and is willing to do it all again, but with kids underfoot.

Yet I find myself fearful. It is time to start preparing for this baby. I mean, she is coming in less than 12 weeks max, and it takes time to redo things around the house when you have little ones underfoot. But, the "what if" thoughts are overwhelming.

What if we are doing all of this and we are not able to keep this baby. What if my bp goes crazy, the placenta dies, and she dies. What if. . .

I am sure many pregnant moms feel these thoughts, but I don't remember having them with either of my other girls. This time is still different. The loss makes it different. The Reality that sometimes, things do not go as planned makes it different.

She will have quiet, still periods, which I do know is normal, and I will get fearful. I will reach for some sugar or jiggle my belly to try to wake her up and get her to move. She usually obliges. Sometimes I will pray for a little, reassuring kick. She usually obliges. But, I wish I wasn't so fearful. I was reading online the other day about someone who lost a baby due to a chord accident at 27 weeks. I was reminded we are never truly "out of the woods." That is scary.

I do feel better being in viability zone. I do feel better with how stable everything seems right now. Yet, I wonder if it is ever possible to really, truly relax when you are expecting a rainbow baby?

This I know. My God is in control. He is trustworthy. He has blessed recently in ways I can never possibly hope to explain. His word says, "What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee." This is a verse I share with N quite often. It is a verse I am clinging to now.

Comments

Sarah Jones said…
I read in a book that asking "what if" is not dwelling on what is true (i.e. real). This thought comes from Phil. 4:8. If you are thinking this way, then you are not resting in your Savior. I know it's not easy when one is dealing with a pregnancy after losing a baby. But you must realize that God is in control, and He wants what is best for you, for your family, and for this new little girl. Even after she is born, you are not "out of the woods." I hate to throw that "downer" out there, but you never know what's going to happen. When it's our time to go, it's our time to go. So, think about what is TRUE/REAL. The here and now. Enjoy your girls and this pregnancy. Love you!
February 27, 2012 at 5:31 PM
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