About Me

I am a proud wife and mother, and a born again Christian. I work from home as a writer while taking care of Miss N, our six-year-old, Miss M, our four-year-old and Miss C, our newest bundle of joy. Life is crazy but so much fun!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Rambling Thoughts

Sometimes, I feel entirely inadequate as a mom. I mean, I have these two, soon to be three, precious souls who depend on me for so much, and so many times I fall short.

I see the moms on Pinterest, Facebook, blogs who sit on the floor playing for hours on end, no laptops or deadlines in sight I see the spotlessly clean houses and “easy organizational steps” and look around my hopelessly cluttered house, even sometimes dirty house, realizing I will never attain that level of perfection. I read about moms making homemade kefir and sourdough bread from scratch and sigh as I pop a frozen pizza in the oven – again – because the meat for dinner did not thaw fast enough or someone needed an emergency run to urgent care.

But truthfully, those things are superficial. Where I really feel my failure is in the fact that I often do not feel connected to my kids. I am happy when they are playing on their own or napping. I do not long for them to wake up so we can play. I do not burst with creative ideas for engaging games we can do together. I turn on the TV far too often. I do not revel in the chance to play I Spy for the 100th time. I love them as much as life itself, but I do not always feel like I connect with them.

Then there is work. Work and parenting seem to be in direct conflict with one another. I can be a good writer or I can be a good mom, but some days it does not feel like I can be both. I know what my priority should be, and I try to keep that in mind at all times, yet we need this income. Private school is expensive. Healthy food is expensive. Doctor’s bills are expensive. Mommy has to work.

I do not feel like a good mom. I do not feel like the kind of mom who wears her child on her hip like a badge of honor. In fact, I rarely wear my child on my hip – she weighs nearly 45 pounds and I am pregnant for goodness’ sake!

Yet, when my child gets sick, she wants only one person – mom. Miss M has had pneumonia and then the stomach flu back to back, so she’s had a rough time of it for a few weeks. She’s on the mend now, but she wanted nothing but mom. I sat for hours watching videos on my computer because all she wanted was mom’s touch. I was the one who knew she was not breathing right and needed to see the doctor right now.

It is in those moments when I realize an important truth: I may not do everything perfectly. There are probably many superior moms out there who would do a much better job of raising my kids creatively. But, nothing will ever change the fact that these three precious girls are mine, they need me, and I need them. In this crazy life we live, I will always be their source of comfort. I hope to be their confidant. I pray that they know that even though mommy does work a lot, mommy also loves them dearly, and I will always be here for them, even if I do not play on the floor for hours on end.


S.A. said...

Nicole, I'm often the same way. Your conclusion is true, God made you their mom not anyone else.

Bekah said...

You're too hard on yourself. I'm sure you're a great mom, simply because you worry about not being one! those moms who seem to have it all together really don't. I've learned that every one has struggles that can't always be seen, the grass always seems greener, but it's not!
Just be the best mom you can be with the circumstances you've been dealt. Engage with your kids fully when you are able. Watching some TV won't kill them.
the fact that your daughter wanted only you when sick says so much - you're her safe spot. that says a whole lot more about you being a good mom than having a clean house!