Rambling Thoughts

Sometimes, I feel entirely inadequate as a mom. I mean, I have these two, soon to be three, precious souls who depend on me for so much, and so many times I fall short.

I see the moms on Pinterest, Facebook, blogs who sit on the floor playing for hours on end, no laptops or deadlines in sight I see the spotlessly clean houses and “easy organizational steps” and look around my hopelessly cluttered house, even sometimes dirty house, realizing I will never attain that level of perfection. I read about moms making homemade kefir and sourdough bread from scratch and sigh as I pop a frozen pizza in the oven – again – because the meat for dinner did not thaw fast enough or someone needed an emergency run to urgent care.

But truthfully, those things are superficial. Where I really feel my failure is in the fact that I often do not feel connected to my kids. I am happy when they are playing on their own or napping. I do not long for them to wake up so we can play. I do not burst with creative ideas for engaging games we can do together. I turn on the TV far too often. I do not revel in the chance to play I Spy for the 100^th time. I love them as much as life itself, but I do not always feel like I connect with them.

Then there is work. Work and parenting seem to be in direct conflict with one another. I can be a good writer or I can be a good mom, but some days it does not feel like I can be both. I know what my priority should be, and I try to keep that in mind at all times, yet we need this income. Private school is expensive. Healthy food is expensive. Doctor’s bills are expensive. Mommy has to work.

I do not feel like a good mom. I do not feel like the kind of mom who wears her child on her hip like a badge of honor. In fact, I rarely wear my child on my hip – she weighs nearly 45 pounds and I am pregnant for goodness’ sake!

Yet, when my child gets sick, she wants only one person – mom. Miss M has had pneumonia and then the stomach flu back to back, so she’s had a rough time of it for a few weeks. She’s on the mend now, but she wanted nothing but mom. I sat for hours watching videos on my computer because all she wanted was mom’s touch. I was the one who knew she was not breathing right and needed to see the doctor right now.

It is in those moments when I realize an important truth: I may not do everything perfectly. There are probably many superior moms out there who would do a much better job of raising my kids creatively. But, nothing will ever change the fact that these three precious girls are mine, they need me, and I need them. In this crazy life we live, I will always be their source of comfort. I hope to be their confidant. I pray that they know that even though mommy does work a lot, mommy also loves them dearly, and I will always be here for them, even if I do not play on the floor for hours on end.