Learning to Trust

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I find myself saddled with fear through the first weeks of this pregnancy. November was very traumatic. I am so scared it will happen again.

Over the weekend i started feeling some pains, the same pains that sent me in for the ultrasound on November and got the ball rolling to finding the ectopic diagnosis. The pains were in the exact same spot. In November the doctor finally did say those pains were not related to the baby, but it was still scary.

So, I called this morning, feeling a little foolish because I figured it was nothing to worry about, but still, I was worried.

They wanted me to come in, so I found someone to watch the girls and in I went.

The visit started with an ultrasound. I knew it was too early to see anything, but I still had hope. They took all of the measurements but there was nothing to see.

Then the doctor called me back. I was very surprised because my bp was only 133/80, which is high-ish but not through the roof. I was VERY nervous, so maybe that means my bp will stay OK this time around.

The first words out of her mouth were, "I don't see anything scary." I felt a similar sense of relief as I felt on Friday when the nurse called to say my numbers were perfect. Like I could breathe again. She did not really give me an explanation for the pain (which is not intense or anything, just nagging) but she did say, "I think we got it this time. I really think this pregnancy is going to be just fine."

I wish I had her confidence. I almost wish I hadn't taken a test so early. It's probably at least another week before we can see anything on ultrasound, and then two more before a heartbeat is possible to be seen. Which means three weeks before we can tell, three weeks before I can feel more peace, and a very, very long wait for this momma. I really, really want to tell Miss N, because she is noticing differences in me - I'm more tired for instance (when was the last time this mommy took a nap?) But, I don't want to tell her until I see that beating heart. So, we wait. and wait. and wait.

I wish I could trust better. I know I serve a great God. I know He has a perfect plan for me and my little family. And I do trust him, but I also know that heartache is sometimes in His plan. Obviously, because we went through November. So, I am trying to cast my anxieties on his capable shoulders when they pop up, but I am not going to be ashamed of them. I think it's normal. I think it's a human response to a horrific circumstance. I think the answer lies in what we do with our fears - do we dwell on them, or do we turn them over to the God who can truly care for them.

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