Peace, Sort Of

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I went away this weekend. After hearing from my doctor that she was not at all concerned on Friday, I decided to go.

It's amazing how much peace I felt just hearing she was fine with everything. Yes, I think about the baby/pregnancy constantly, but it's not so much a panic as it is a soft concern. I am beginning to accept that there is nothing I can do about this. If the baby is meant to survive, he will; if it is not, he won't. I am even coming almost to the point where if I lose this baby, I think I would be able to stomach trying again. I think realizing there is such a small chance, maybe even no chance at all at this point, that it is an ectopic helps. People have blighted ovums (traditional miscarriage reason) all of the time and there is nothing they or their bodies have done to cause it, so trying again is not a danger.

I am praying very specifically for two things this week. They are:

1. That my blood work will not do anything funny Monday. I will get that result Tuesday.
2. That we will be able to see something definite, preferably a heart beat, on Thursday at the ultrasound.

Choosing to trust God in this has become a minute by minute ordeal. Google has not been a friend to me. It makes me crazy and I am trying to stay away. But sometimes I cannot.

Finding out this early (probably before 4 weeks even!) has been a mixed blessing. The early testing is great but it is also incredibly maddening. Praying we will soon be released from all of this testing and treated like a normal, healthy pregnancy.

I have known I was pregnant for almost two weeks now. It sure feels like a lot longer than that!

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