Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

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I am not good at waiting. I remember one Christmas when I knew where the gifts were stored, I would sneak in there and peak when my mom was off picking up the babysitter. I wanted to know NOW!

I am waiting this morning on my blood results from yesterday. If I took an honest look inside my heart I would say my gut says this baby is OK. But, I cannot help but wonder if I am being wistfully ignorant. And truthfully, my lack of faith or lack of belief in God's goodness, not sure which, wonders if He doesn't want me to continue learning lessons through trials. That maybe I didn't learn whatever November was supposed to teach me since I am still sad so maybe I have to do it again. Now that my naivity is gone and I know just how many things can go wrong at 6 weeks pregnant, I am scared.

I am analyzing every little ache, pain, and discomfort. I am happy to feel sick to my stomach, panicked when I sneeze and feel intense abdominal pain, albeit fleeting.

This little baby is in God's hands. In my head I know that those are the best possible hands to hold and care for him. Yet, in my heart I wish there were something more I, as his mommy, could do. I have limited caffeine, am trying to eat healthy and avoiding all of the right things, am getting all my blood draws, and am taking my vitamins. There isn't anything else I can do, and yet, it is still hard. I face each day with this breathless sense of anticipation, jump when the phone rings, hold my breath when I see the Dr. on the caller ID. I haven't really had any bad news, except that one scary day when the nurses didn't agree, but I am still jumpy. I hope that soon, I will be able to calm down. Less than 48 hours until my next ultrasound. That's not long at all!

This song has been a tremendous encouragement to me these last few weeks. I cannot post a mp3 of it, so I will post the lyrics. It is on a CD I have from the Wilds.

And this we know in the journey of life. Whether green, rolling hills or the desert bare and dry. In all things God works for our good, for those who love the Lord.

In the lush, verdant valleys where we walk sure and strong, or the rugged terrain unsafe and long. God has promised His help, "Fear not, I will guide you. Take my hand, for my promises are true."

And this we know in the journey of life. Whether green, rolling hills or the desert bare and dry. In all things God works for our good, for those who love the Lord.

In the seasons of life, times of joy or despair, victory and defeat. "I know the plans I have for you," says your God. "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Believe in me, trust in me, for I am your God."

And this we know in the journey of life. Whether green, rolling hills or the desert bare and dry. In all things God works for our good, for those who love the Lord.

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