Showing posts from September, 2011

A Few Thoughts

Ok, so now that the cat is out of the bag and I can finally confidently say I am pregnant, I have a few thoughts i want to get out there. It's amazing how different I feel this time around. I wanted my other babies, of course, but this time, I so desperately prayed for this pregnancy and the ability to finally put November behind me, it feels like a true miracle. I was specifically praying to be pregnant before November, and then I specifically prayed to hear the heart beat yesterday, even though it was early, and God graciously answered. He did not have to - He could have chosen to teach me through more waiting, but He answered these prayers in the way I wanted. As far as pregnancy updates, I am going to try to curb them to the blog and not post them on face book. I know all too well how hard it can be after a loss or when dealing with a period of time in which you cannot get pregnant to read pregnancy update after pregnancy update. I do not think anyone is wrong to put them out

Telling the Girls

Well, I totally intended to wait to tell the girls about the baby a little bit, but the cat got out of the bag fast when they saw the ultrasound picture on the table. (oops) Miss N already knew I was getting pictures taken of my insides this morning, and she wanted to know what the "big hole" on the picture was. I was not able to answer her honestly without telling her the whole truth, so I told them. Miss N responded with a big smile and a "I hope it's a brother." and Miss M responded with, "I see the hole in your tummy mommy?" and asking me to lift my shirt. Then Miss N said, "Mommy, I love you. I will love you no matter how big you get." Oh my, crazy girl! I am glad she loves me. Then she was very worried about something, "Mommy, my teacher told us to raise our hands if our mommies had a baby in their tummies, and I said no because I didn't know." I think she thought she had lied. . . I assured her she was fine :)

We Have a Heart Beat!

So, this morning I headed off to the doctor, after being totally scared by my doctor's report yesterday. The ultrasound at first showed just an empty sac. I was getting so discouraged! I knew that was not necessarily "bad" for how far along I thought was, but I still wanted further confirmation that all was well. I was praying very specifically for a heart beat to show up. The ultrasound tech could not get one of the images she wanted using the one type of probe, so at the end she switched over to the other type (that is usually less detailed). She wasn't trying to get a picture of the pregnancy, but she did take another look. Then she started to look closer. I saw something flickering on the screen that was faster than my own heart beat (which I could also see on the screen.) "Is that?" I couldn't finish the question. I have learned sometimes that the techs are not allowed to say what they are seeing or what stuff means. She then switched back to the

Mixed News

Well, the nurse called today (Wednesday) with my blood draw results from Monday. Only, she wouldn't tell me what they were. All he said was, "Your numbers went up, and Dr. H wants you to come in today instead of tomorrow for your ultrasound." That was, however, impossible, because I was out in the boondocks on a field trip with Miss M. So, I wait until tomorrow morning. I am perplexed why she wouldn't tell me what the results were. It makes me think they were bad. On the other hand, with the ectopic, they said, "Get someone to watch the children and come here NOW." so if they were worried about that, I don't think they would have been OK with me not dropping everything and coming in. I have a decent amount of pain, and I don't think it's just normal "growing" pains. That scares me. But I can usually find a "reason." And it's not doubling over, falling on the floor type pain that I have been told is what will happen with

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

I am not good at waiting. I remember one Christmas when I knew where the gifts were stored, I would sneak in there and peak when my mom was off picking up the babysitter. I wanted to know NOW! I am waiting this morning on my blood results from yesterday. If I took an honest look inside my heart I would say my gut says this baby is OK. But, I cannot help but wonder if I am being wistfully ignorant. And truthfully, my lack of faith or lack of belief in God's goodness, not sure which, wonders if He doesn't want me to continue learning lessons through trials. That maybe I didn't learn whatever November was supposed to teach me since I am still sad so maybe I have to do it again. Now that my naivity is gone and I know just how many things can go wrong at 6 weeks pregnant, I am scared. I am analyzing every little ache, pain, and discomfort. I am happy to feel sick to my stomach, panicked when I sneeze and feel intense abdominal pain, albeit fleeting. This little baby is in God

Peace, Sort Of

I went away this weekend. After hearing from my doctor that she was not at all concerned on Friday, I decided to go. It's amazing how much peace I felt just hearing she was fine with everything. Yes, I think about the baby/pregnancy constantly, but it's not so much a panic as it is a soft concern. I am beginning to accept that there is nothing I can do about this. If the baby is meant to survive, he will; if it is not, he won't. I am even coming almost to the point where if I lose this baby, I think I would be able to stomach trying again. I think realizing there is such a small chance, maybe even no chance at all at this point, that it is an ectopic helps. People have blighted ovums (traditional miscarriage reason) all of the time and there is nothing they or their bodies have done to cause it, so trying again is not a danger. I am praying very specifically for two things this week. They are: 1. That my blood work will not do anything funny Monday. I will get that resul

Miss M Funnies

Miss M is certainly the little comedian. Here are a couple from just the last two days! We were in the locker room at swimming lessons and Miss M was very interested in seeing all of the other ladies. Now, you need to understand that i am by no means a skinny-minnie. In fact, there is very much in that regard I would like to change, and my kids understand what a curvy woman looks like. Anyways, this woman comes out of the adult changing area in her bathing suit. She was very nice and was chatting with the girls. Then she goes over to wash her hands and Miss M says, "mommy, why dat lady got big butt?" I wanted to crawl in a hole and laugh at the same time. I said, "Miss M, everybody's bodies are different." Then of course after the lady left (quite quietly) I told her, "If you want to ask a question about someone's body, please wait until we are in the car." Then this morning I was telling her she could not wear her rain boots because yesterday s

Scares, Relief

What a roller coaster the last two weeks have been! So, here is where things stand. My Dr. is pretty sure it is not an ectopic. Now we just have to give it time to see if it will stick or not. As with any pregnancy there is always that chance of miscarriage. I had an ultrasound yesterday and it looks like a sac is developing where it is supposed to develop. Nothing in it to be seen yet but that's normal for this stage of the game (probably right at 5 weeks). However, the practitioner I saw (not my Dr.) freaked me out by telling me that I had a 50/50 chance at this point. Then, when I called later to ask a question, the nurse on the phone (not my normal nurse) scared me even further saying that my numbers are not doubling anymore (which is typically bad). I had to wait until today to hear from my doctor, because she was at the hospital yesterday with surgeries. She called first thing (literally, 8:01 and they open at 8) this morning. She said she is not worried at all yet and we

Learning to Trust

I find myself saddled with fear through the first weeks of this pregnancy. November was very traumatic. I am so scared it will happen again. Over the weekend i started feeling some pains, the same pains that sent me in for the ultrasound on November and got the ball rolling to finding the ectopic diagnosis. The pains were in the exact same spot. In November the doctor finally did say those pains were not related to the baby, but it was still scary. So, I called this morning, feeling a little foolish because I figured it was nothing to worry about, but still, I was worried. They wanted me to come in, so I found someone to watch the girls and in I went. The visit started with an ultrasound. I knew it was too early to see anything, but I still had hope. They took all of the measurements but there was nothing to see. Then the doctor called me back. I was very surprised because my bp was only 133/80, which is high-ish but not through the roof. I was VERY nervous, so maybe that means my

Top 10 Reasons I Love My Kids' School

My kids attend a great little Christian school nearby. I love it. I mean, I really love it. Here are some of the reasons: 1. It is five minutes from my house. 2. The principal really cares. I caught him trying to learn the names of the K3 kids this week. K3 kids can easily slip through the cracks. 3. The teachers really love the kids and it shows. 4. The teachers are great about communicating with parents. The K5 teacher even gave all the parents her cell phone number at the beginning of the year. Now that's trust. 5. It is a Christian school without the over emphasis on rules rules rules. 6. I am FB friends with several teachers. Which is nice because I feel more confident in trusting them with my precious girls. Also, they are willing to chat with me if I have a question or concern. 7. It allows me to send my kindergartener only half days. Big deal to this momma. 8. They plan really fun field trips and let me come along. 9. My kids love going there. 10. They use the curriculum I

Pregnancy Post 2

Well, today I went in for blood draw #2. I had a bit of a scare this morning. I had to go to a clinic to get a proof of pregnancy and they said the urine test was negative. So glad i had heard back from the doctor yesterday that I was "early pregnant." They re-read the urine test and it was positive. Not sure what happened there but it left me with fast heartbeat for a while. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I find out if my numbers are doing what they should. Tomorrow I call my mom to tell her what the results were regardless. Oye, my brother is going to kill me. For the most part I feel peace, a good vibe, whatever you want to call it, but, well, I have these moments. Moments when I wonder if God will let me keep this baby. Moments I doubt my own faith if He says "no." Moments I feel extreme guilt for being this fearful about what could be my third baby when people I care about cannot have any or have just one and cannot have more. Tomorrow. Twenty-four more hours. Then prob

Pregnancy Post 1

Well, it has happened. I have gotten a positive pregnancy test. I have such a hard time saying, "I'm pregnant" because I am nervous, but all in all I feel pretty peaceful. There is that nagging turning over feeling in my stomach, but I do feel pretty positive. We are waiting to tell people until at least the first round of blood draws. The first one was today (Tuesday, Sept 13). If the blood work seems good, we will have to tell family. We will probably wait until the first ultrasound to tell too many friends, but they will likely do one fairly early to date the pregnancy. Some of my issues will make it impossible to date without a little peek inside. Just a few days ago I started praying very specifically that God would allow me to be pregnant before November 15, the anniversary date of when I found out something was probably wrong with my baby. While I do not know if I will be able to keep this baby, God has answered that prayer. Now, i pray for safety and for a calm


So i have some praises to share! First, remember this post ? About how I was not ready to go through the pastor search? Well, our pastor officially resigned June 30. Here it is the beginning of September, so only two full months, and we already have one! No drama, and he was voted in with just one negative vote. Tim and I really, really like him and his wife. I think they are a perfect fit for our happy loving little church. We are so excited. We will continue to miss our former pastor and his wife but are excited to be moving forward. Second, remember this post ? Well I found a pediatric opthamologist only about an hour away who not only is trained in vision therapy, but also takes the girls' insurance. And we have an appointment Wednesday. God is so good and I am so thankful I bit the bullet and called around. I hate making phone calls but in this case it likely saved us thousands of dollars, or the decision to not pursue something our child needs due to finances. There is a t

Thoughts on Prayer

I have something on my mind and heart that I have been praying about for a while, but I decided last night during my quiet time to start praying much more specifically. While I do not desire to share on this blog the specifics of the request, it left me to think. Praying specifically is scary for me. It is easy to pray generically, “God, please be with such and such need and work it out in your timing and give grace.” Then, no matter what the answer, it was simply “God’s will.” So why is praying specifically so scary? Because God doesn’t always work on our time table, and I know that. I have seen that. A sweet friend who lost her foster child to the system showed me that very, very clearly a few years ago. Other friends who are battling diseases and not yet seeing healing have shown me that. The bible even says, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Is 55:9) Yet, I always hear that we are to pray


Miss N had her second eye exam today. A year ago I found out she had a severe deficiency in one eye, to the point of having some permanent vision loss. I was a bit floored and did not ask at that appointment why or what that meant. Today I did. I am sad because had I caught her problem earlier, we might not have a permanent vision issue. The doctor explained it like this: If you take a toddler and pin their arm to their chest, the muscles in the arm will atrophy. The eye is a muscle, and it gets exercise by visual stimulation. When the visual stimulation is not coming in accurately, the muscle atrophies. Therapy and glasses can help, but cannot restore the lost vision completely. I realize this is not a serious issue. She can read, she can color, she can do puzzles, so obviously she can still see. I just wish we had caught it earlier. "Permanent vision loss" sound so, well, permanent and serious. I thought they screened preemies for these types of problems? Some