Showing posts from November, 2010

Even more to be thankful for

So last night I was doing a little research on ectopic pregnancies to get some of my questions answered. I found something yet again to make me incredibly thankful for God's hand watching over me. During ectopic pregnancy, aggressive exercise, like running, makes it more likely that you will have a rupture. Women who are treated with the shot, like I was, are not supposed to exercise until they are certain the pregnancy is over. My doctor didn't tell me this, but I have even more to thank God for. See, my appointment, that i almost cancelled, was on November 15. November 20 I was scheduled and signed up and registered to run my second 5k. Had i missed that appointment, I would have run that 5k, and I would have been pushing myself the week prior to improve my time. Now, my doctor didn't tell me not to exercise, but I just felt to yucky to do the race. Then, I was too far behind on my paying work to run last week. I would have, though, had I not been so far behind. God wa

Thanksgiving Cuteness

(Sharing some sister snuggles before Mommy and Daddy got up) My kids constantly crack me up. This is the first holiday ever that we did not have family to go to. It was strange, but also nice. Growing up once we moved away from California, holidays were almost always just us. While I would have preferred not to have the circumstances that forced us to stay home and would have loved spending time with Tim's sister and family, today was nice. (Miss M said, "More?" at this point - she wasn't so sure about the way the tree looked :) ) Our plan: Buffet restaurant for lunch, Thanksgiving craft, putting up the tree, watching Toy Story 3. I am happy to announce all were accomplished. At the restaurant, my kids pigged out. They haven't b een to many buffets, since mommy finds it silly to spend that much money on food when you can't take home your leftovers, but they loved being able to pick and choose what they ate. (Can I just say she looks way too grown up al

Two Things

Unless I have to have another shot next week, this should be my last post about this situation. I am doing much better, honestly, and am ready to move on. But two things are going to haunt me, probably for a long time. First, did I do the right thing? The doctor never saw the pregnancy, even inside the tube. My numbers were high, not low which is typical for ectopics. Something was wrong, since the numbers were so high and they never saw anything, but how can we be sure we did the right thing? Second, when going over my risk factors for ectopics, my doctor asked me if I smoke (never), drink (never,) have had pelvic infections (nope), and have had c-sections (check!) Megan's birth was via c-section, and honestly it was elective. I had my doctor's advice about it, and she said after seeing M's size and position that it was the right decision, but she was head-down and I could have tried a natural delivery. So, if the c-section caused scar tissue that blocked baby's tri

Last Night I Dreamed

The crazy thing about this process is that my body still has pregnancy hormones coursing through it. So, in some ways I am still acting like a pregnant woman with many of the symptoms (thankfully no nausea or vomiting ), even though my baby is gone. I am hoping that does not mean that I will need another shot, but we will know that early next week. Last night I dreamed that the doctor made a mistake and, by some miracle, my babe was still growing inside me. It was a beautiful dream, and waking to the reality that it was just a dream was, well, painful. I am ready for this to be over, ready to get the go-ahead to move on and start planning the future. On the other hand, knowing that I am at an increased risk for this happening again (about 25 percent) gives me pause. Tim and I will need to pray and discuss the realities of our future. I'm also very (VERY) worried about the financial aspects of this. To make a long story short, we do not yet have maternity coverage. That should be


This past week has been a whirlwind of emotions, many negative. I lost my baby and could have lost my life. I have struggled to respond to my chlidren well, and the results of the chemotherapy shot made me literally crazy. But, I need to be thankful. There is so much to be thankful for: I kept my checkup on Monday, even though I almost cancelled it since I was pregnant. If I hadn't gone to the checkup, I would not have found out about the ectopic until it burst and my life was in danger. My little girl, sensing my emotional struggle yesterday, threw her arms around me and said, "I can tell you are having a tough morning, Mommy. I love you very much." My friend had invited my children for a sleepover last month. The date - this past Friday. The day after the big day, when I was an emotional mess, my kids were at someone's home having fun and being loved on by someone who had the ability to do so. A gal in my church has also had the medication they gave me, and she was

Seeing God's Hand in Grief

PS 14:8-10a, 11 "I have set the LORD always before me: Because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoicesth: my flresh also shall rest in hope. For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; Thou wilt show me the path of life; in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." The intensity of the grief I have been feeling has surprised me greatly. One minute I'm fine, and the next some thought comes into my head and I am reduced to the hugging my knees to my chest on the couch, sobbing giant tears. I told tim, "I'm a blubbering mess" and he said, "Don't say that, it makes me think of fat whales. Whales have blubber." He's been so good to me and so strong and I love him so much. It doesn't make sense - I have walked the path of pregnancy loss before and I was fine. one day of crying, and it was done and I moved on with my life, we got pregnant with Meg

The What If

The morning after I am plagued with "what if". Did I do the right thing? Was my doctor right? SHE NEVER SAW ANYTHING. I trusted her, but was she right? Lord, you know my heart. You know I was trusting in my pro-life, Christian doctor. Please, forgive me if I did something wrong. You know I wanted my baby. You know my heart. Will this feeling be part of me for the rest of my life?

Final Potential Pregnancy Post

Today as I was getting the girls ready to go to my husband's shop so he could check the fluids in the van before our trip for Thanksgiving, my doctor called. I have been seeing the nurse practitioner up until today, but she was off today so it was the doctor. She said the numbers were not good and I needed to come in now. Her words, "Assign someone to watch the kids, and come here now. I am very concerned." I was shaking the whole way to the town where Tim works. In the back of my head is the "what if" because she didn't actually see the tubal pregnancy. The protocol for this is to inject you with a drug to terminate the pregnancy so that your body will reabsorb the cells before the tube ruptures and has the potential to kill you. I took the girls to Grandma's, got Tim, and we went over. The doctor confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy, even though they couldn't see it yet. She said that what the ultrasound tech thought was a sac was not and t

Possible Pregnancy Post 3

Well, this drama just keeps getting more interesting. I wasn't expecting any call back from my doctor's office today, as they need two separate blood draws to make any conclusions from what I understood. However, she did call today. She said my numbers were really good, as in high. She said that this means they should have seen something on the ultrasound. I saw the nurse practitioner, and so she went to the doctor to see what to do. The doctor also said something should be visible based on the numbers in the blood work. So, tomorrow (wednesday) I go back in for another ultrasound and more blood work. According to my hormones, I am pregnant. According to the ultrasound on Monday, we don't know. I am feeling a bit anxious. I want to know what is going on - is my life in danger or is there a baby in there that's just too little to see? It's hard to concentrate on work today. I am thankful I have a Heavenly Father I can turn to in prayer when my heart starts to ge

Potential PRegnancy Post

Well, it has been about two weeks since I first got the positive test. Ok, well, maybe a week and a half. It's been a long week and a half since Tim asked me not to tell until we were more sure! I went in today for a routine appointment with my OB, but since I was there I mentioned the positive test. During the exam I had some pain she thought was odd, and I was explaining some other pain I was having. She opted to do an ultrasound. I was excited. According to my calculations I should be about 6 weeks, and at that time they can often see the heartbeat via an ultrasound. The ultrasound was inconclusive. They didn't see much at all, except the potential for a gestational sack. My doctor is concerned about a possible etopic pregnancy. So I had blood drawn and will return Wednesday for another blood draw. If my levels are doubling nicely, then that means I am most likely pregnant and just not as far along as I thought. If my numbers are not doubling nicely it is possible it is

The Test

SO, I just took a pregnancy test. It came back positive. I am not ready to announce this to the world yet. Last time I did that, well, we miscarried. I'm elated. I'm not sure when I should tell Tim. See, this wasn't our "plan." But, I've had the "baby bug" for a while now. It's not going away. And, well, knowing it was a possibility this month made me a very happy, albeit nervous, woman. Now we shall see if this little babe sticks. Whew, our house is going to be crowded if it does. Crowded, but full of love. So many thoughts. I guess I will just save this for now and see what comes. . .

Of Goosebumps, Dizziness, and Hypersensitive Children.

So I have determined that my eldest has hyper-sensitivity issues. Not a “disorder,” but an extreme sensitivity to pain and textures. Lately, she has refused to wear jeans because they hurt her belly and pinch her thighs, even though they are definitely large enough. So I have indulged her and purchased khakis or stretch pants for now. The last few days she has been getting goosebumps. The first time it happened she was warm as toast in her fleece sweat suit, but she was covered in goosebumps. No fever, no draft in the room – it makes no sense. Now, a normal child would probably grab a blanket and cover up and be done with it. Not my sensitive one. She had to cry and call me. This has happened at least four times in the last week – unexplained goosebumps that bother her enough that she has to point out to us. I just called the nurse and they didn’t have any “red flags” from the goosebumps, but they did say I can “bring her in” if she is really bothered by it or if I am worried. I do