Harms Family News

How far along? 19 weeks Maternity clothes? Yep. Sleep: Decent Best moment this week: Christmas! It wasn't "perfect" but it was fun! Movement: Daily. I remarked yesterday to the girls that the baby was kicking me, and Miss M said, "The baby kicking - it want to come out!" Gender: Unknown. Labor Signs: No way! What I miss: Being a regular OB patient. I found out today I'm getting a referral to a high risk specialist. The bp medication was not as effective as she wanted, and I got some scary high readings, so she upped the dose (which so far seems to be working) but because of this I have to go to a specialist. What I am looking forward to: Maybe getting an ultrasound (finding out gender) a little sooner. I think that's one of the tests the high risk specialist does. Weekly Wisdom: Proverbs 3:5-6 Milestones: Not happy ones, but the carpel tunnel and intense (sporadic) hip pain has started. Isn't it early for that? Not fun!

Ah, Christmas. This year I made msyelf all stressed out trying to make it perfect for my kids. It really was a beautiful Christmas. We woke to sweet girls waiting patiently in their beds (I told them to wait until we came to get them). We started the morning reading Luke 2, then we allowed them to open their stockings, and Miss N was thrilled to find Bella Sara (horse game) trading cards in it. She's been wanting these very badly for quite a while. When I was getting Miss M dressed for church, I told her, "It's Christmas!" She got a very worried look on her face. "Aren't you excited?" I asked. "I no want see Santa. I no want sit on his lap." She was very worried she would have to see and sit on Santa since it was finally "Christmas." I assured her we would not make her do that ;) After cinnamon rolls (frozen, not homemade, I can only do so much), it was off to church. All of their friends kept asking them what they got, and they were ...

So, I am a weepy mess with this pregnancy! It's crazy! You can ask my husband, I am not one prone to crying. Sure, I have the emotional outburst occasionally (don't all women?), but it's not a regular thing with me. Not so anymore. I mean, just today at church a friend said Merry Christmas and gave me a hug and I was almost in tears. How embarrassing! The other night something fairly minor happened and I was fighting back tears the whole night in a public situation. Caused a few people to worry that something was wrong with the baby and it really was something minor. This week a sweet friend offered to come and help with some stresses I was having, and I found myself in tears again because of her sweetness and my inability to manage it all. That inability led to a huge meltdown later in the week. And don't even get me started on the Target.com fiasco! What's a girl to do? I do not remember being THIS emotional any of the other times I was expecting. After they were...

At night the girls take turns praying for the meal. We let either one pray if they want, actually. Tonight Miss M prayed, "Dear Jesus, thank you for this food. Help mommy's baby come out so we hold it. Amen. " So sweet! They have been to two appointments without an ultrasound being done (I got spoiled early on) so they are really missing "seeing" their baby sibling. Three weeks until the "big" ultrasound! Actually, as long as my bp meds do their job, three weeks before I go back again (doc wanted to see me in two but she's out of town and apparently does not want me seen by anyone else).

Kids are on break and my kitchen is a disaster (can anyone keep a clean kitchen while baking?) so this will be short. 18 weeks today! How far along? 18 weeks Maternity clothes? Yep. Sleep: Decent Best moment this week: Having a day when I didn't feel the baby kick (which was also the most stressful day of the week so that added stress didn't help) and as I was reading my Bible that night, it gave me some real strong kicks to let me know all was well. Movement: Daily Gender: Unknown. Labor Signs: No way! What I miss: Not thinking about my bp every second of every day, not taking it three times per day. What I am looking forward to: Getting good news on my test results today because it WILL be good, right? Weekly Wisdom: I definitely am not drinking enough water. Let's just leave it at that and not go into why I have come to know this. Thanks. Milestones: None I can think of.

So, Miss N's sixth birthday is coming up in the beginning of March. I know that is two months away, but since we have a tiny house and need to have the party elsewhere, and venues tend to book quickly and are expensive, I have already been thinking about it. And now I am left with a quandary. As a child, especially as a teen, I was always the one not invited. I was the excluded one. The "big" parties either invited everyone, and then I was included, or not, and then I was excluded. It hurt. Now that I am the mom planning the parties, I do not want to inflict that pain on any child. But, this brings up a difficulty. We have a lot of kid friends. We have school, and her class has 17 kids in it this year I believe. We have a handful of same aged friends at church. We have a group we have been friends with since toddlerhood. We have a smattering of friends here and there as well. Last year, I invited everyone. I ended up with over 50 people at her party when you counted the p...

Ok it's Wednesday, and that means time for that weekly update post! So, blood pressure update. It's been all over the map, but I'm still not sure I am reading or taking it accurately. Friday I go back in for a bp check, so I plan to take the two machines/cuffs I have with me and compare readings. Yesterday I got 140/100 for my evening measurement, then this morning (laying in bed) it was 120/70. I am very nervous about ending up on bed rest. Sheesh, I have two small kids, a husband who cooks only using the grill (and it's winter), and a thousand responsibilities. How will we eat? How will my kids get bathed, fed healthy food, dressed, lunches packed, out the door on time? How will the laundry get done??? I know others have ended up on bed rest with little kids, but I am praying it does not happen to me. But a b/p reading of 140/100 seems very high. Hopefully I am just not taking it right. Tim is convinced it is stress and worry making my bp high. . . How far along? 17 ...

Well today's appointment has come and gone. My weight gain was less than desirable, but with the goodies of the season I am not surprised. The doctor could not find the heartbeat so off to Ultrasound I went (again). Baby was VERY active and HR was 154. I asked it it was too early to see the gender, and she said she would try. Baby was busy playing with the cord and sucking his/her hands. Sadly, the cord was running right between the legs so she couldn't call it. I personally thought it looked pretty girl-ish, but I guess we will have to wait another four weeks to try again. I opted out of the quad screen. This one tests for genetic abnormalities, but, well, it's not going to change anything for me, and the really bad (aka fatal) abnormalities, like the trisonomies, are detectable, at least in part, on the 20-week ultrasound. It just didn't feel important. Now for the bad part - my bp was high (138/74) - that is not terrible I guess but it is higher than the doctor wants...

I love listening to my kids sing. Here are a few treasures from my oldest for the season. Away in a Manger "Be near me Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay Close by me forever And love me I pray Bless all thy dear children In Thy Blender care, And fit us for heaven to live with Thee there." Silent Night "Silent night, holy night All is calm, all is bright Round young version Mother and child Holy infant so tender and mild Sleep in Heavenly peace Sleep in Heavenly peace." Angels We Have Heard on High (chorus) "Glooooo-ooooo-ooo-oooo-ria In and out each day-o Glooooo-ooooo-ooo-oooo-ria In and out each day-o." Gotta love the way they hear things!

How far along? 16 weeks Maternity clothes? Yep. Sleep: Rough week with sick kids and hubby. Best moment this week: Feeling those flutters Movement: I think so Gender: Unknown. Labor Signs: No way! What I miss: Pants that don't fall down all the time. I am not a fan of maternity pants. What I am looking forward to : Appointment tomorrow! Weekly Wisdom: You need to stop and do a craft project every once in a while. Milestones: Pretty sure I have felt those early flutters.

I have a very smart little girl. Without getting boastful, let's just say that she does very well in school. From everything I can tell her sister will be doing so as well when she gets to real school age. I did very well in school, so this is not surprising to me. What is surprising is the new questions it has raised in my mind as a parent. As a teacher, I always tried to find ways to praise my students for their accomplishments. I felt it encouraged them to try harder and push themselves next time. What never occurred to me was the issue of pride. Now that I am a parent on the other end of the child's life, I am beginning to wonder what role pride plays in school accomplishments. Here are a few things I know: God hates pride. It is a very despicable sin in His eyes. In Proverbs 6 it is listed with murder as one of the sins considered an abomination. That's serious talk! Pride is easy and natural for sinful humans. Our abilities are gifts from God and are intended to be us...

My oldest has always had a sensitive heart. Sometimes, it is difficult as her parent because it is so easy to hurt her even when it is completely unintentional, but other times it is the sweetest thing to watch. On the way home from our Kansas City trip, I heard her say, "Miss M, will you please forgive me for all of the times I was mean to you?" It touched my heart to realize that she has a sensitive spirit to this, even after the fact. A couple of days ago I raised my voice at nap time. I had to apologize to Miss N because I let stress about my workload impact my attitude toward her. She forgave me, and then the next day when I was laying her down (yes, she's almost six and still naps most days) she prayed, "Please help mommy to get all her work done while we rest." That sure motivated mommy to be diligent that day!

So, blogging about pregnancy was the last thing on my mind while in Kansas City this past week. Really, these two weeks are not much different, so I will just make one update. How far along? 15 weeks Maternity clothes? Yep. And I am sad because it appears I will need to buy some. I was really hoping to avoid that. Sleep: Up once per night usually but not too bad. Best moment this week: Eating dessert like a normal person and not getting sick! Movement: Too early Gender: Unknown. Labor Signs: No way! What I miss: Not being winded all the time. I wish I knew for a fact this was normal. The baby isn't big enough to be causing this yet. My doctor said "You are just out of shape" but I was pretty well out of shape before I got pregnant and didn't have this problem. What I am looking forward to : Feeling movement. Should be happening sometime in the next few weeks. Feeling a baby moving inside of me kind of creeps me out, but it's also very reassuring that all is we...

What a refreshing Thanksgiving we had! We traveled to KC to be with my family, including my brother and his fiance, my dad's parents, and my mom's mom. There were 11 total people for Thanksgiving dinner! My girls were so well behaved, they adored Jen (Joey's fiance) and I felt like we really got to relax. I took minimal work with me so it was great! I am thankful we had the chance to get to know Joey's fiance a little better, as we likely will not see them again until the July wedding. The girls are so excited about being flower girls! (this picture cracks me up - we were playing Mad Gab) While we were there we went to Crown Center. Miss N saw a sign for Seussical, a musical dedicated to Dr. Seuss. She asked if we could go, and we found out that the Saturday performance would gain us one free ticket. We got the tickets and I am so glad we did (thanks mom and dad)! It was adorable. This play (I think there are more than one) was based on the Horton books (Horton Hears a ...

When I was five years old we moved completely across the country from California to Massachusetts. All of our family was in California. For the first time ever, it was just us. Holiday traditions had to be just our little nuclear family. We didn't know other people to invite into our home to share the day with us when we first moved. It was just us. My mom was amazing at creating traditions. We watched parades, ate certain things, read certain stories, decorated our home with our preschool artwork, set up the tree after Thanksgiving and pulled it down before my birthday in January. She really had a knack for making things special. Sometimes, I think I have failed my own children in this regard. It's not that I don't want to have traditions, it's just that holidays are spent bouncing back and forth between different family's homes. It is hard to bring traditions with you when you are spending Christmas in Missouri or when Christmas schedules are dictated by your near...

How far along? 13 weeks Maternity clothes? Yep. Sleep: Crazy, crazy dreams. Last night I dreamed that my SIL was adopting a baby, and I found out in her annual Christmas letter. I told Tim and he said, "I know, I've known for five weeks." I was so livid that I started screaming, crying, and hitting him. I was mad that he kept a secret from me. Best moment this week: Going almost the whole week without needing a nap. Movement: Too early Gender: Unknown. I think I have come to peace with either way, honestly. I just wish people would stop pushing me with "I bet you are hoping for a boy!" Makes it hard to stay focused on being content with a healthy baby, regardless of gender. Labor Signs: No way! What I miss: Not having to eat constantly. What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving trip to visit family Weekly Wisdom: Praying in the morning, even just for 5 minutes, focuses my mind and helps me be much more patient with my kids. Milestones: Depending on where...

Last night I was laughing so hard I nearly snorted my roll! Before I get into the story, here is a little setup. We have one child who is particularly interested in saying the word "poopie." I decided I did not want her saying this word all of the time, so I have tried to be consistent in saying that it is a word to be used in the bathroom. Last night this child had to use the bathroom during dinner. If you have been to our house then you know that we can see the bathroom from our dinner table. She went in and was sitting on the potty proudly proclaiming "poopie! poopie! poopie!" Daddy told her she needed to finish and come back to the table and stop saying poopie, to which she replied "But I in the bafroom, so it OK say poopie!" Then, she shut the door. "You can't see me! Poopie! Poopie! Poooooooopeeeeeeeee!" She continued to say the beloved word and giggle her head off for about 10 minutes. Meanwhile, we were all, big sister included, crack...

I am pro-life. I believe that opting to kill your baby in the womb is murder. While I do not believe that to be any “worse” of a sin than, say, lying in the eyes of God, it is still wrong. Yet, I allowed the doctor to kill my baby. Honestly, I still feel guilt about that. Growing up, all of the pro-life discussions and sermons I heard would ridicule laws that said, “except for cases to save the life of the mother.” I believed with my entire being that God was the only one who had a right to decide whether the mom or the baby should live. I believed, and still do, that moms who choose not to pursue cancer treatment, for instance, in order to save their baby’s life did the right thing. But what about a situation where God decides the baby cannot live simply by where the baby implants? What about an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy? This is a situation where the ending the pregnancy is necessary to preserve the life and future fertility of the mother. If the situation is caught early, like it wa...

One year ago . . . . . . . I sat in the doctor’s office, breathlessly waiting in hopes they would give me an ultrasound to see my unborn child for the first time. . . . I winced in pain as she did the exam. . . . I heard the words, “I just don’t see anything.” . . . I was assured it was probably too early, but I knew better. . . . The suggestion that maybe I was having twins, one viable one not, was presented. . . . I left the doctor’s office confused, scared, and unsure of where to turn. . . . I began a process of waiting, hoping, and praying. . . . I loved my baby as much as I could as I waited. A year and three days ago . . . . . . I received a phone call that shook me to my core. . . . I sat in a hospital room waiting to sign permission to kill my baby. . . . I received a dose of chemotherapy. . . . I desperately asked God “why?” but felt no answer. . . . I dropped my kids off with friends for a pre-arranged sleepover. SO thankful for that time. Little did we know when we made the...

This is a general service announcement. If you are the type of person who feels it is OK to use vulgar words in public, including f-bombs and such, you have a responsibility to determine whether or not there are small children standing directly next to you before you do. If you decide to drop an f-bomb and those children happen to be mine, I will say something. This momma does not appreciate hearing people curse around my babies. I do not care if someone dented your car. I do not care if you are angry. I do not care. They are innocent children and you have no business talking like that in front of them. Thank you, Upset momma. (I cannot believe how many people have no qualms about swearing in front of their children. It makes me so sad. However, should you choose to swear in front of mine, I will stand up for them.)

Ok, you all know how scared I was that there would be bad news today. Amazingly, I was very calm when the time came for today. All day I was calm. At my appointment, my bp was up. Not sure if it was because I was nervous or what, but my doctor seemed a little concerned and said, "We wll have to keep an eye on this." It was 134/78, which isn't that bad, right? The weight check was great! I only gained half a pound in four weeks! That is a total of 4 pounds the entire pregnancy so far. I am very happy with this. I tend to gain a lot early on. Maybe my inability to eat sweets is helping! The doctor told me right away that she was going to try to hear the heartbeat, but that it might not be possible yet. She was not able to hear it. Again, I was amazingly calm. I think having the girls there was a good distraction. So, I had an ultrasound. I don't think I have seen any of my babies at 12 weeks. It was amazing. There were little feet and arms. Miss N thought it was pretty ...

Well, I Was going to wait until tomorrow and what WILL be a good doctor's visit, but I had some extra time today so here is my update! I cannot believe I am now 3 months pregnant, and I also cannot believe so many women wait this long to tell their news! I am taking the girls to my appointment tomorrow. I could drop them somewhere, but it woudl be very inconvenient with a 4:00 appointment, and, well, their presence or lack of presence will not change the outcome of my appointment. I have no reason at all to think anything is wrong, so I am going to embrace faith and take them along. How far along? 12 weeks Maternity clothes? Yep. Sleep: Definitely not the best this week. Best moment this week: Enjoying some time on the old treadmill. Movement: Too early Gender: Unknown Labor Signs: No way! What I miss: Being able to walk without getting winded. I really think it's too early for this but others have said they experienced it early. I still plan to ask about it. . . What I a...

I was just reading a blog post from a friend who has had two recent miscarriages, and was reading the encouraging comments from her readers. Yet again, I found in one of those comments someone who had seen the heartbeat from their baby at 6 and 8 weeks, then had the baby die at 12 weeks. This makes the third or fourth similar story I have read in the last week. Is God trying to tell me something, or is Satan trying to get in my head? I am not looking for these stories, but they keep finding me! Friday's appointment cannot come soon enough! Please, keep praying for our little baby.

So, last night we were cleaning up, and afterwards the girls were wrestling downstairs. Miss N said, "Hang on, I need to get on the computer for a minute. I need to write 10 articles." She sat down at her computer and typed a bit then went back to playing. At first I smiled. This is what mommy does, and she was mimicking mommy. Then I worried (surprised?). Do I work too much? Was she saying that mommy is always working? This balance is so hard. I want to be a good mom - the best mom. But i have to work. I try to work when they are sleeping and do not need me, but as they get older this is not always possible. Sometimes, I have to work while they self entertain. And, to be honest, I don't think that is bad. I don't remember my mom sitting on the floor playing with me constantly. I was playing with the neighbor girl, making mud pies outside, riding my bike, doing art. Since we don't have a neighbor girl to play with, my girls have each other. And that's OK. But ...

This is a bit of a hodgepodge post. Today. . . My children got up from quite time, watched a short video, then played dollhouse. Dollhouse consisted of of setting up scenes and taking pictures of them using their kid tough camera. My oldest helped me pick up toys with a happy spirit, willingly asking, "what should I pick up next mom?" We went outside to get some fresh air. I contemplated how far I want them to be able to go - if they can only ride their bikes in the driveway, how will they learn? We came inside and they sat and colored and played with stickers while I fixed supper. Now, they have sheet music out and are singing along with a Sunday School songs CD. They think they are reading music. These are the things I want to remember on my blog. Miss N is learning so much in kindergarten and loving every minute of it! Every day she is more than happy to show me what she has learned. I love it! I am not really sure who her "best friends" are going to be. It seems...

OK, blogfriends , I am going to be honest. I am starting to get worried again. I mean, it's been three weeks since i have seen/heard the baby. And, not at all intentionally, but in my working and surfing lately I have read about at least three women who saw the heartbeat at 6-7 weeks, then had the baby die. I have no reason to think anything is wrong, but I am scared! I wish I had a different personality and could just let whatever will be, well, be. I have an appointment on the 11 th . This many weeks between appointments is torture! So, anyways, here is the 11 week update. How far along? 11 weeks Maternity clothes? Yep. Tim vetoed an outfit tonight because he said it made me look 30 weeks pregnant. Oye . Sleep: Not too bad. Best moment this week: Eating a tiny bit of chocolate and not getting sick! Movement : Too early Gender : Unknown Labor Signs : No way! What I miss : Having a neck that does not ache. What I am looking forward to: Appointment next week. Weekly Wisdom...

My two girls really are the best of friends, and I love it! We have our moments (don't all siblings?) but if you get right down to it, they love each other deeply. On Saturday we were playing in the leaves. The first time Tim threw N in, she sunk down past her head. She thought it was hilarious, but M was so upset about losing her sister! I thought it was so sweet how concerned she was. Sunday night N was not feeling well so we let her stay home. I had nursery duty in the morning service so I took M to church so I could hear some preaching, and Tim stayed home with N so she could rest. When we got home the first thing M did was run to her sister for a big hug! This morning after everyone got up and got the grumpies from first thing in the morning out of the way, they went skipping down the hall holding hands to help each other pick out fits. I love moments like this! I remember wishing for boys, with both of my pregnancies, but I am so thrilled to be raising sisters and best friend...

I am at the 10 week mark! I know a lot of women who wait until they are 12 weeks to announce, and I am sure glad we didn't! I am already showing and it would be really hard to hide! I guess the extra "fluff" I was carrying around is getting pushed up and out by the baby! I am taking growth as a good sign and refusing to worry even though I haven't been to the doctor in about two weeks, which feels strange after the frequent visits before. How far along? 10 weeks Maternity clothes? Yep. And apparently just wearing them makes me look pregnant because I am getting lots of comments. Not that I mind :) Sleep: Not too bad. Best moment this week: Being able to pick up my babies again! It came at a good time too with one feeling pretty puny. Movement : Too early Gender : Unknown Labor Signs : No way! What I miss : Chocolate. I guess that might be the only thing I miss for a while! What I am looking forward to: The second trimester! Weekly Wisdom: Read this this we...

Ok fellow moms, I need help! How do you go about meal planning? I find myself struggling in this. Here is what I have tried. First, I tried a six-week rotation. It for some reason was really hard to stick with, and most nights I didn't feel like cooking whatever was on that night's list. Then I tried e-mealz. Great concept, but we really found we were not enjoying the majority of the meals, or they were not the type of food I prefer to feed my family (filled with processed stuff. Now I am no natural food all the way type of person, but we are trying to make small changes and when your menu revolves around cream of xyz and Velveeta cheese, it's hard to stick with your goals). I am probably going to cancel my membership within the next month or two. So, now I am stuck again! Part of the problem is my tummy is so upset that thinking about cooking and food is just hard. I also struggle to try new dishes because the kids never like them, and it's so hard to psend that time a...

Wednesday is my "flipping" day, or the day I change "weeks" in the pregnancy. Not much has changed but here is my "for me" update. How far along? 9 weeks Maternity clothes? Got out the maternity jeans this week. They are adjustable waist so they are working pretty well. Not tops yet. No "basketball" to fill them. I'm definitely in the "is she gaining weight?" stage of pregnancy! Sleep: Good as long as I don't let my afternoon nap go too long. Best moment this week: Miss M getting very excited when the doctor called with my preliminary blood work and it was "healthy." Movement : Too early Gender : Unknown Labor Signs : No way! What I miss : Picking up my kids! Only one more week of restricted lifting if all continues going well. What I am looking forward to: The second trimester! Weekly Wisdom: Being pregnant does not give you a right to be rude to your husband. Milestones : None I can think of.

Well, Miss M has had her first ER trip. Here is the story. We had been having such a lovely day. I let the kids stay up during nap since they were obviously not tired, but they let me get work done, and in the morning while N was at school Miss M played so nicely and allowed me to get my chores done. By about 2:00 I was tired of working and chores and decided to bake some pumpkin muffins. Miss N was playing computer and needed my help, so I went downstairs to help her. While I was down there, Miss M found the cinnamon that I had left out and poured some in a bowl. She was having a lot of fun measuirng it and pouring it with the utensils I had left out. I was annoyed at the mess but it was already there, so I let her play. She was having so much fun. After a while she was pretty covered in it. She wanted more but I obviously didn't want to waste all of the cinnamon, so I gave her some flour. She played for probably an hour. When she was done I was cleaning her off. She had been play...

Today I had my first official OB appointment. Everything went amazingly well. The little bean (size of a kidney bean at 8 weeks) is measuring about two days ahead, so might be another big baby, who knows. My blood pressure was great, I haven't really gained any weight in spite of all I have been eating, and the heart beat was right there beating along (181 ). Also, since my problems of earlier seem to have cleared up, I am only having to be on the modified rest for two more weeks instead of four! Woo hoo! I am now officially a "normal" OB patient. That means no more weekly trips to the doctor, no more worries (ha!), and no more scans every time I go in. That last part is a little sad, but I am so thankful to be having a healthy pregnancy! So, I am going to start to blog weekly about my pregnancy. This is mostly for me, so feel free to ignore if you are bored by it :) How far along? 8 weeks Maternity clothes? I'm thinking it's time. . . at least for the pant...

This was too funny not to share. We were out to lunch yesterday with my parents who are visiting, and Miss N was telling my mom all about the baby and how much she wants a baby brother. My mom said, "Well what if it is a girl?" Miss N: "Well, then we will just give the baby to someone else! We have enough girls in this house!"

So, my husband is the best. Sorry, ladies, he's taken! I have a confession to make. I am irritable with this early stage of pregnancy. Part of it is nerves, and part of it is hormones, and part of it is the exhaustion. Also, part of it is sin and I am praying daily to watch my tongue and patience with my kids. But I'm grumpy. I was telling Tim last night about how I feel about this, and his response, "It's all a part of the process." So accepting and simple. Instead of being highly annoyed with me (as perhaps he had a right to be) he just accepts this as par for the course for growing a baby. Miss N took the ultrasound pictures to school today (she wanted to, it was not my suggestion, and I cleared it with her teacher first, who of course was out today but what can you do?) She is very excited about the baby. Although, the other night when I was having my issue and we could not go to church, I told her we couldn't go because mommy wasn't feeling well. Her ...

Well, we have told, we have told the girls, and now I wonder if we did the right thing. Sure, there was a beating heart, but really, I saw nothing that looked like a baby. Now, I have read about women who had losses after seeing the beating heart. Remember when I said that trusting God had to be a minute by minute thing? I am starting to have one of those days today. I think because the tiredness is not as intense, so I "feel" less pregnant. Maybe part of it is that it has been nearly a week since I have been to the doctor, heard good or bad news, etc. I cannot see what is going on inside me. I am having to give Him everything. My biggest fear? Honestly, it's no longer how I will survive another loss should it happen. It's how I will tell my kids. Both of them are excited and are talking about "the news" as Miss N says and "You have a baby in your belly" as Miss M says. Update: Last night I had some signs of a possible complication. I called the do...

So, it seems every time I have been pregnant the "do and don't eat" list has changed. Lunch time is a huge struggle for me right now! My go-to meal is usually a nice salad, but right now scares of listeria and lettuce make me nervous. So, my second go-to meal is a turkey sandwich, but lunchmeat is a no-no unless you heat it (not my favorite). So, I also love tuna, and i remembered you were allowed some tuna but not tons when I was pregnant with Miss M. Google says otherwise - apparently that rule has changed as well! So tell me, what's a girl to eat? I guess it is going to be PB&J or grilled cheese for the next nine months!

Ok, so now that the cat is out of the bag and I can finally confidently say I am pregnant, I have a few thoughts i want to get out there. It's amazing how different I feel this time around. I wanted my other babies, of course, but this time, I so desperately prayed for this pregnancy and the ability to finally put November behind me, it feels like a true miracle. I was specifically praying to be pregnant before November, and then I specifically prayed to hear the heart beat yesterday, even though it was early, and God graciously answered. He did not have to - He could have chosen to teach me through more waiting, but He answered these prayers in the way I wanted. As far as pregnancy updates, I am going to try to curb them to the blog and not post them on face book. I know all too well how hard it can be after a loss or when dealing with a period of time in which you cannot get pregnant to read pregnancy update after pregnancy update. I do not think anyone is wrong to put them out t...

Well, I totally intended to wait to tell the girls about the baby a little bit, but the cat got out of the bag fast when they saw the ultrasound picture on the table. (oops) Miss N already knew I was getting pictures taken of my insides this morning, and she wanted to know what the "big hole" on the picture was. I was not able to answer her honestly without telling her the whole truth, so I told them. Miss N responded with a big smile and a "I hope it's a brother." and Miss M responded with, "I see the hole in your tummy mommy?" and asking me to lift my shirt. Then Miss N said, "Mommy, I love you. I will love you no matter how big you get." Oh my, crazy girl! I am glad she loves me. Then she was very worried about something, "Mommy, my teacher told us to raise our hands if our mommies had a baby in their tummies, and I said no because I didn't know." I think she thought she had lied. . . I assured her she was fine :)

So, this morning I headed off to the doctor, after being totally scared by my doctor's report yesterday. The ultrasound at first showed just an empty sac. I was getting so discouraged! I knew that was not necessarily "bad" for how far along I thought was, but I still wanted further confirmation that all was well. I was praying very specifically for a heart beat to show up. The ultrasound tech could not get one of the images she wanted using the one type of probe, so at the end she switched over to the other type (that is usually less detailed). She wasn't trying to get a picture of the pregnancy, but she did take another look. Then she started to look closer. I saw something flickering on the screen that was faster than my own heart beat (which I could also see on the screen.) "Is that?" I couldn't finish the question. I have learned sometimes that the techs are not allowed to say what they are seeing or what stuff means. She then switched back to the fi...

Well, the nurse called today (Wednesday) with my blood draw results from Monday. Only, she wouldn't tell me what they were. All he said was, "Your numbers went up, and Dr. H wants you to come in today instead of tomorrow for your ultrasound." That was, however, impossible, because I was out in the boondocks on a field trip with Miss M. So, I wait until tomorrow morning. I am perplexed why she wouldn't tell me what the results were. It makes me think they were bad. On the other hand, with the ectopic, they said, "Get someone to watch the children and come here NOW." so if they were worried about that, I don't think they would have been OK with me not dropping everything and coming in. I have a decent amount of pain, and I don't think it's just normal "growing" pains. That scares me. But I can usually find a "reason." And it's not doubling over, falling on the floor type pain that I have been told is what will happen with ec...

I am not good at waiting. I remember one Christmas when I knew where the gifts were stored, I would sneak in there and peak when my mom was off picking up the babysitter. I wanted to know NOW! I am waiting this morning on my blood results from yesterday. If I took an honest look inside my heart I would say my gut says this baby is OK. But, I cannot help but wonder if I am being wistfully ignorant. And truthfully, my lack of faith or lack of belief in God's goodness, not sure which, wonders if He doesn't want me to continue learning lessons through trials. That maybe I didn't learn whatever November was supposed to teach me since I am still sad so maybe I have to do it again. Now that my naivity is gone and I know just how many things can go wrong at 6 weeks pregnant, I am scared. I am analyzing every little ache, pain, and discomfort. I am happy to feel sick to my stomach, panicked when I sneeze and feel intense abdominal pain, albeit fleeting. This little baby is in God...

I went away this weekend. After hearing from my doctor that she was not at all concerned on Friday, I decided to go. It's amazing how much peace I felt just hearing she was fine with everything. Yes, I think about the baby/pregnancy constantly, but it's not so much a panic as it is a soft concern. I am beginning to accept that there is nothing I can do about this. If the baby is meant to survive, he will; if it is not, he won't. I am even coming almost to the point where if I lose this baby, I think I would be able to stomach trying again. I think realizing there is such a small chance, maybe even no chance at all at this point, that it is an ectopic helps. People have blighted ovums (traditional miscarriage reason) all of the time and there is nothing they or their bodies have done to cause it, so trying again is not a danger. I am praying very specifically for two things this week. They are: 1. That my blood work will not do anything funny Monday. I will get that result T...

Miss M is certainly the little comedian. Here are a couple from just the last two days! We were in the locker room at swimming lessons and Miss M was very interested in seeing all of the other ladies. Now, you need to understand that i am by no means a skinny-minnie. In fact, there is very much in that regard I would like to change, and my kids understand what a curvy woman looks like. Anyways, this woman comes out of the adult changing area in her bathing suit. She was very nice and was chatting with the girls. Then she goes over to wash her hands and Miss M says, "mommy, why dat lady got big butt?" I wanted to crawl in a hole and laugh at the same time. I said, "Miss M, everybody's bodies are different." Then of course after the lady left (quite quietly) I told her, "If you want to ask a question about someone's body, please wait until we are in the car." Then this morning I was telling her she could not wear her rain boots because yesterday she ...

What a roller coaster the last two weeks have been! So, here is where things stand. My Dr. is pretty sure it is not an ectopic. Now we just have to give it time to see if it will stick or not. As with any pregnancy there is always that chance of miscarriage. I had an ultrasound yesterday and it looks like a sac is developing where it is supposed to develop. Nothing in it to be seen yet but that's normal for this stage of the game (probably right at 5 weeks). However, the practitioner I saw (not my Dr.) freaked me out by telling me that I had a 50/50 chance at this point. Then, when I called later to ask a question, the nurse on the phone (not my normal nurse) scared me even further saying that my numbers are not doubling anymore (which is typically bad). I had to wait until today to hear from my doctor, because she was at the hospital yesterday with surgeries. She called first thing (literally, 8:01 and they open at 8) this morning. She said she is not worried at all yet and we jus...

I find myself saddled with fear through the first weeks of this pregnancy. November was very traumatic. I am so scared it will happen again. Over the weekend i started feeling some pains, the same pains that sent me in for the ultrasound on November and got the ball rolling to finding the ectopic diagnosis. The pains were in the exact same spot. In November the doctor finally did say those pains were not related to the baby, but it was still scary. So, I called this morning, feeling a little foolish because I figured it was nothing to worry about, but still, I was worried. They wanted me to come in, so I found someone to watch the girls and in I went. The visit started with an ultrasound. I knew it was too early to see anything, but I still had hope. They took all of the measurements but there was nothing to see. Then the doctor called me back. I was very surprised because my bp was only 133/80, which is high-ish but not through the roof. I was VERY nervous, so maybe that means my bp w...

My kids attend a great little Christian school nearby. I love it. I mean, I really love it. Here are some of the reasons: 1. It is five minutes from my house. 2. The principal really cares. I caught him trying to learn the names of the K3 kids this week. K3 kids can easily slip through the cracks. 3. The teachers really love the kids and it shows. 4. The teachers are great about communicating with parents. The K5 teacher even gave all the parents her cell phone number at the beginning of the year. Now that's trust. 5. It is a Christian school without the over emphasis on rules rules rules. 6. I am FB friends with several teachers. Which is nice because I feel more confident in trusting them with my precious girls. Also, they are willing to chat with me if I have a question or concern. 7. It allows me to send my kindergartener only half days. Big deal to this momma. 8. They plan really fun field trips and let me come along. 9. My kids love going there. 10. They use the curriculum I ...

Well, today I went in for blood draw #2. I had a bit of a scare this morning. I had to go to a clinic to get a proof of pregnancy and they said the urine test was negative. So glad i had heard back from the doctor yesterday that I was "early pregnant." They re-read the urine test and it was positive. Not sure what happened there but it left me with fast heartbeat for a while. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I find out if my numbers are doing what they should. Tomorrow I call my mom to tell her what the results were regardless. Oye, my brother is going to kill me. For the most part I feel peace, a good vibe, whatever you want to call it, but, well, I have these moments. Moments when I wonder if God will let me keep this baby. Moments I doubt my own faith if He says "no." Moments I feel extreme guilt for being this fearful about what could be my third baby when people I care about cannot have any or have just one and cannot have more. Tomorrow. Twenty-four more hours. Then probabl...

Well, it has happened. I have gotten a positive pregnancy test. I have such a hard time saying, "I'm pregnant" because I am nervous, but all in all I feel pretty peaceful. There is that nagging turning over feeling in my stomach, but I do feel pretty positive. We are waiting to tell people until at least the first round of blood draws. The first one was today (Tuesday, Sept 13). If the blood work seems good, we will have to tell family. We will probably wait until the first ultrasound to tell too many friends, but they will likely do one fairly early to date the pregnancy. Some of my issues will make it impossible to date without a little peek inside. Just a few days ago I started praying very specifically that God would allow me to be pregnant before November 15, the anniversary date of when I found out something was probably wrong with my baby. While I do not know if I will be able to keep this baby, God has answered that prayer. Now, i pray for safety and for a calm sp...

So i have some praises to share! First, remember this post ? About how I was not ready to go through the pastor search? Well, our pastor officially resigned June 30. Here it is the beginning of September, so only two full months, and we already have one! No drama, and he was voted in with just one negative vote. Tim and I really, really like him and his wife. I think they are a perfect fit for our happy loving little church. We are so excited. We will continue to miss our former pastor and his wife but are excited to be moving forward. Second, remember this post ? Well I found a pediatric opthamologist only about an hour away who not only is trained in vision therapy, but also takes the girls' insurance. And we have an appointment Wednesday. God is so good and I am so thankful I bit the bullet and called around. I hate making phone calls but in this case it likely saved us thousands of dollars, or the decision to not pursue something our child needs due to finances. There is a thir...

I have something on my mind and heart that I have been praying about for a while, but I decided last night during my quiet time to start praying much more specifically. While I do not desire to share on this blog the specifics of the request, it left me to think. Praying specifically is scary for me. It is easy to pray generically, “God, please be with such and such need and work it out in your timing and give grace.” Then, no matter what the answer, it was simply “God’s will.” So why is praying specifically so scary? Because God doesn’t always work on our time table, and I know that. I have seen that. A sweet friend who lost her foster child to the system showed me that very, very clearly a few years ago. Other friends who are battling diseases and not yet seeing healing have shown me that. The bible even says, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Is 55:9) Yet, I always hear that we are to pray speci...

Miss N had her second eye exam today. A year ago I found out she had a severe deficiency in one eye, to the point of having some permanent vision loss. I was a bit floored and did not ask at that appointment why or what that meant. Today I did. I am sad because had I caught her problem earlier, we might not have a permanent vision issue. The doctor explained it like this: If you take a toddler and pin their arm to their chest, the muscles in the arm will atrophy. The eye is a muscle, and it gets exercise by visual stimulation. When the visual stimulation is not coming in accurately, the muscle atrophies. Therapy and glasses can help, but cannot restore the lost vision completely. I realize this is not a serious issue. She can read, she can color, she can do puzzles, so obviously she can still see. I just wish we had caught it earlier. "Permanent vision loss" sound so, well, permanent and serious. I thought they screened preemies for these types of problems? Some...

What I Want to Be As a mom, I want to be: · Cheerful and loving · Engaging and creative · Someone they can turn to when they have a problem · A trusted confidant · Someone who is fun and fills my home with laughter · Someone who has a chaos-free, tidy home so I fee less stressed · Someone who disciplines well but out of love and out of a desire to see them grow into young women who love the Lord and respect others. But I am: · Sometimes moody and quick to chasten · Stuck in a rut · Someone who at times gets tired of the constant babbling and chatter · Someone who wants bedtime to be over so I can start working · Someone who is so serious minded that sometimes laughter eludes me · Someone who is constantly stressed about the mess – I really need someone to teach me how to keep my home so that it is not so overwhelming. · Someone who disciplines in frustration far too often. I have been reading a lot of blogs lately, blogs from moms who do things a bit differen...

One of the principles taught in Parenting with Wisdom (yes, I know I failed in my summaries, but I do so much better with interaction so I kind of gave up. I promise you will love the book if you read it!) is time-delayed teaching. It’s actually a concept I learned first on Michelle’s blog, but basically, the idea is that the teaching we do with our kids often doesn’t fully “sink in” right when we are teaching. I have seen this first hand recently. One thing I have been working on is helping my children se all of the things they should be thankful for. For instance, when they are complaining about something I do not do for them that they want, I point out all that I do actually do for them. It usually does not work to stop the complaining. But apparently it is working after all. A couple of weeks ago we were coming home from church. Miss M was overly tired for some reason, and she wanted me to open a door for her, but daddy did it. She started to wail as if we had taken awa...